Since my diagnosis, I feel like I have been on mental health vacation. I haven't been avoiding things, more like just taking a break. My diagnosis of Borderline Personality disorder is life changing. Out of nowhere comes an almost instant understanding of some of the most troublesome times in my life. Many of the symptoms read like my own personal experiences. From that new understanding, comes one of the more peaceful and spiritual times of my entire life. You could say, I am mulling around at the entrance to a new chapter in my life. … Enjoying the view…. Delaying my entrance, probably fearing the unknown.
What I must remember is that I have spent 13 years in a major depressive state, totally removed from society, a self-enforced isolation. It’s only in the last 6 months that my depression has gradually improved. There was a major blip over Christmas but much of that was self-inflicted from decorating, when I wasn’t fit for it. The Agoraphobia has had all these years to manifest and there’s a reluctance to re-join life; improve my situation. I suppose I’m afraid. Everything feels new and strange, even my own perspective. And, I suppose, the agoraphobia does pose one or two hurdles
I cancelled seeing my Care Coordinator last week. Seeing her meant having to talk about my situation. I'm putting off organising a car because, when I have one, there is no longer an excuse for not getting different things organised. And, of course, there's the application for the Complex Needs Service. It's a marathon trying to complete that application; it's more in line with applying for a Managerial Post. It had a 2-week deadline and, of course, I'm late.
What am I so afraid of? I’m not sure. All I know is that I enjoy spending all this time on my own. But, I’m wise to know this is a cop-out. It must originate from a fear of re-joining life
Maybe my dilemma is pure and simple procrastination….oh and a car!
