I want to die, my mind is going

[ferry1995]

I'm a little bit more lucid now, not brilliant but I feel slightly more stable after ringing a mental health crisis team, it's basically about holding out until monday when I can get my hands on some meds... it's just about coping until then....

[Buttercup]

We'll be here for you  %^% %^% %^% %^%

[Sweetpea]

Glad you have spoken to someone. As buttercup says we are here for you ((((( hugs ))))). S x x x x

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

[Owl]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more in control sweetie.

X

[ferry1995]

Thanks so much guys, you don't realise how much I appreciate all your help, my cousin is just having a tantrum about how he can't go out for longer than half an hour, kinda gets me angry that people get upset over such menial stuff.... does anyone else find this?

[Owl]

To be honest, at the moment most things that people do irritate me to a certain extent. Even if they just talk to me and I don't want them to.

Fox
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[ferry1995]

When I'm going through a good patch I need somone with me, but to be honest when I'm upset I just sit there and constantly think things over, as long as there's some hope on the horizon that's all that matters, only 61 hours to go!

[Owl]

Sweetie,

I know the feeling. When I was at my worst I stayed in bed without eating or washing for a whole week. I couldn't even talk to anyone and wished my life would just melt away. It is so easy to just sit and think with things. I had a great CPN who said that at times like that I needed to be with people to keep myself safe and to make me realise that there are people in my life which makes it matter. I didn't take his advice, but I really wish I had.

What are you wanting to come from your appointment on monday?

Fox
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[ferry1995]

Well hopefully some meds that ease the pain a little bit and getting myself on some good therapy which will hopefully get this derealisation cleared up...

Just to clarify this stuff can't send you mad can it? I don't want to spend the rest of my days in a psychiatric hospital

[Owl]

What stuff? The experience you're going through or medication and therapy?

I personally don't think in todays society there are many cases of true "madness". I'm coming to the end of my 8th week in a psychiatric hospital and I am managing very well to hold a conversation with people and manage everyday things very well. Just beware that medication can make you feel a whole lot worse before you get better and some can even contribute to the feelings of "derealisation" you are having.

Having been in a psychiatric hospital I have seen varying degrees of illness and these people have now come and gone home.

Don't worry, it is all going to be okay.

Fox
XxX

[ferry1995]

Thanks for that, that acutally made me feels loads better, I will go into a psych hospital if needs be, as long as I get to feel a bit better

And by stuff I mean this depersonalisation and depression i'm feeling, I mean i'm just gradually losing concentration and memories are kinda going... at what point would I actually be admitted?

[Owl]

It won't send you mad no. It's just a symptom.

Well I can tell you what led to me being admitted if that helps?

I had tried to cut my wrists back in may and had to return home to live with my family. The months following I just got into a darker and darker hole. I wouldn't get out of bed for days on end, I took no interest in my appearance, I did not eat, I did not talk where possible, some days I wouldn't even wash. Then all of a sudden I realised what I needed to do. It was as if a calmness had come over me. A started getting washed and dressed and things and one day when I thought my family were out I put a chair under the handle of my bedroom door so no one could get in and was about to kill myself.

Strangely my mother new something was wrong and came back into the house and made me open the door. From then we got an emergency appointment where I admitted to my intrusive thoughts and the voices in my head etc etc. I was sent straight to the hospital and admitted that night and I've been here ever since.

This was after about 2 and a half years of holding myself together and getting on with life despite the wild things I'd do when extremely happy and the horrid things I'd do to myself when sad. A big part of me still believes I am not and never have been ill.

I think if you were admitted the doctors would have to believe you couldn't look after yourseld and had the means to hurt yourself.

I hope that gives you some insight.

Fox
XxX

[Owl]

Sweetie,

How have you been today?

XxX

[ferry1995]

Sorry for the slow reply, tried to keep off the computer today, see if it helps

Well I've got to say today was a better day for yesterday, there was only really 2 hours or so where I was feeling bad/losing my mind, but I managed to hold onto the fact that 9 different medical professionals told me what was happening was just very severe anxiety and was totally treatable, so pretty soon those turned to hopeful thoughts, I just thought, hold out until monday, then i'll have some meds, and some therapy, and i'll be hopefully on the road to recovery, my parents have said they'd be with me every step of the way, and I actually got to speak to a few friends who reminded me of all the nice things I have to go back to when i'm well again :)

I was very happy, almost euphoric for an hour or so today, I don't know if I could be bi-polar, or just an overwhelming sense of relief that i'm not losing my mind, my biggest fear is that I forget my friends and family and stop loving them....

I think my mood is lifting, just this damn derealisation and confusion is becoming a real pain, although it's lifted a little today, I did begin to think mabye I have a brain tumour which is causing this sudden mood dip, but I've had a lot of blood tests/medical examinations so I'm hoping that'd rule that out, ( never thought i'd be happy to see my health anxiety return :) )  anyway, i'm gonna get a good night's sleep tonight, then i'm going to try to go into work for 4 hours tomorrow, take my mind off things, then have a nice relaxing afternoon, play my guitar, have a nice bath, watch some telly, have a good meal, go for a run ( I eat so much now )

Also I didn't need a cigarette today! And they've been getting me through these last few days

Sorry for that vent of feelings, it makes things a bit easier :) thanks for listening/your concern, hope you've had a good day x

[Owl]

Yay! I'm so glad things are getting better. From what I've been told recently bipolar disorder envolves "euphoria" which lasts more than an hour or so. At least four (ish) days I think... So don't you worry about that!! You're probably just relieved you're feeling better!

Fox
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