I want to die, my mind is going

[ferry1995]

I'm not sure where else to turn, I'm out of options


Gradually everything is beginning to deteriorate, every moment that passes, everthing becomes more and more surreal, this is a nighmare world I’m living in and I feel like I can have no solace from this despair, I feel like there will be no light ever again, I feel unable to smile, Unable to think properly, I feel like there is no way out and my mind is just going to slip away, it’s a constant struggle to battle through even five minutes of this, I can’t take any pleasure from anything, the only solace I get is from sleep, as every minute passes I just want to die more and more, the only thing keeping me from it is the thought I’ll never see my parents again, I don’t care about anything else, people’s opinions don’t matter, the only thing I can constantly think of is this waking hell I’m going through, the world looks like a different place, I’m forgetting, I’m gradually losing touch with reality and I can’t take another second of it, I know for certain I’ll never be me again, I’m scared I’ll start forgetting my family, my surroundings, that I’ll become an empty shell, and I think the only way to prevent that is by dying with dignity, I feel totally and utterly unsafe everywhere, I feel like this monster is gradually tightening it’s grip on me and I can’t take another second of it, the time between my moment of lucidity are growing, I look into the mirror and I see someone different looking back, there is no reason behind this feeling, If I have to experience another day of this I’m sure I’ll want to die, please stop me, not for my sake, just for my parents.

I am sure I won’t be alright, nothing is ever going to be alright, nothing will provide me solace.

The only place i'd feel vaguely safe is a mental hospital, what do I do...

[Sweetpea]

Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel?  You really need to see your Dr as soon as you can and explain how you are feeling. Please take care. S x x x x

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[Zaf]

You really do need to speak to your doctor if you havent already xxx

[hopeful]

Hi Ferry,

I really feel for you, this is the place I was in just a few weeks ago. You are not losing your mind, you are describing symptoms of severe depression. This is a horrible illness which has both biological and neurological symptoms. If you feel desperate please go to A&E or call your local mental health crisis line (if you have trouble finding info feel free to PM me where you live and I'll try to find a number for you).

I know this may be hard to hear at the moment, but with support and medication you can start to get out this horrible place, I am living proof of this.

Take care, we are all here for you

xx

[ferry1995]

Thank you for the quick responses guys, I was pretty hysterical when writing this but I'm very slightly more lucid now

I used to suffer from really really bad health anxiety but this has just been replaced by crushing depression

I've rang the crisis team and currently waiting for a reply

for the first time in my life after 8 years of anxiety/depression I feel like i'll never escape this, the scary thing is I have no reason to be depressed, I just want to die...

[PaulaJo]

Hi Ferry,

I can really relate. A lot of what you write, I have felt similarly. It is really scary, and it could be a glorious day outside but inside it feels like the end of the world.
It is a frightening place to be, to feel like you have nothing left, and worse, the feeling that you won't get better.
Do your parents or friends know what you're going through?
Are you on medication, or seeing a GP or psychiatrist?

I'm glad you've called the crisis team.
I agree with Shaz and Zaf, making an appointment with your GP is really important, and as hopeful says, if it feels like you can't hold on, please go to A&E, or I highly recommend the Samaritans (despite the name, they are non-religious). Samaritans number is 08457 90 90 90. I can recommend them because I have called them a few times in the past and they really helped me feel better, just having someone to talk to & blurt out how you're feeling.
I know you feel like you will never escape this, but try to keep that thought out of your mind. I won't tell you to "be positive" (because that's a slap in the face to anyone who has depression)  but there will come a time when you will feel that you will get better. I had numerous times when I felt I will never recover, and I have had times, after that, when I've been confident I will recover.

Please let us know how you're doing!

[ferry1995]

The problem is my GP and my psych keep saying there's nothing they can do, I called the crisis team last night and was sent to hospital and felt marginly better, but since then my mood has dropped to even lower depths, I'm just scared no one is going to believe what i'm going through, the only place I could feel safe now would be a mental hospital

[Sweetpea]

I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. Its a truely horrible place to be. A lot of us here can relate to how you are feeling. When the crisis team get back to you make sure they understand just how bad you are feeling. If you get no joy just keep ringing until they get you help. Take care. S x x x x

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[Owl]

Hello,

I've just read through your posts. I fully appreciate how bad you are feeling and that you can't see a way out. As someone who is currently in a psychiatric hospital, I firmly believe that it is far better to get well in the community than in hospital. This is because hospital in itself is an extremely artificial environment. It is better to develope coping strategies at home and get extra support there than resorting to hospital. In my opinion hospital should be a very last resort. I fully appreciate how unsafe you feel, is there anything that might make you feel safer or more secure?

I do hope you start to feel better soon.

Fox
XxX

[ferry1995]

I've been through 8 years of anxiety and depression and there's always something to get me through the day/night, just today I feel hopeless, like there's no future for me, I will go mad, I will hurt myself unless I go into hospital tonight, I need help really soon...

[Owl]

If you feel like that I guess you should go to A+E? Or phone your doctor? A psychiatric hospital will not be what you expect but I do hope you get the help you require.

Fox
X

[hopeful]

Sorry Ferry, I didn't realise you'd already tried to ask for help, sorry if I sounded patronising.

As Fox has said, please do consider going to A&E and tell them everything you've been so brave to post here. Maybe you could print this discussion off and take it in? Might sound odd, but it may be easier than expressing things in words if you're feeling confused.

xxx

[Sweetpea]

I agree if you get no help from crisis line then go to A & E and tell them you must have help. Thinking of you. Please take care. S x x x x

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[Pip]

It's horrible feeling like that  %^% ... we are very fortunate to have a good crisis team who do listen.  They prefer to treat people in the community rather than in hospital unless it's absolutely necessary.

[ferry1995]

Thanks guys , I've spent the last few days in and out of hospitals, but I'm gradually feeling a bit better, I was borderline suicidal this morning, and after being taught some decent coping strategies I feel I can manage until I get some meds, its been 9 hours since I last cried so that's a major positive, staying strong :)