Depressed girlfriend

[orangelive]

Hi there.

this might be a bit long, so roll on a fat one or crack open a beer :)

I met this wonderful girl less than a year ago. she was loving, caring, affectionate, beautiful, etc, etc... it ticked all the boxes and possibility more. she is everything i wanted in a woman.

The first two months were absolutely wonderful. But about half way through, i noticed something strange happening.
she used to say things like she was crazy and i wouldn't want to get inside her mind, otherwise i wounldn't get out alive... on sunday evenings she started to cry for no apparent reason and she said it was because her mum died a couple of years ago.
when we had our initial conversations i mentioned that i suffered from depression for a while which led me to split with my ex. She mentioned that she also did suffer from depression in the past after her mother died but then she recovered from it.

however, one day when we went out for dinner, she started to cry and told me she was still suffering from depression and taking medication. she said that I was a great person that made her feel happy again and that she started slowly to reduce the dosage of her medication.
I was surprised when i heard but immediatly offered my unconditional support.
things then started to slow down... the affectionate moments were less, sex drive reduced, communication issues started to appear and text messages were less exciting and loving.

i noticed these changes and asked her what was going on... she said she didn't know whay she was shutting down.

She was not very happy at work, she doesn't earn much and lives with her dad. on my side things aren't great either. i live in work accomodation where there isn't much privacy and I can't move out because i'm paying off some debts until the end of the year.

just after two months after we became "official" she had a meltdown and wanted to break up... she hadn't taken the AD's for 3 days! the next day she apologized and was sorry to put me through this.

the meltdowns started to come up more often, but less intense. Sex almost disappeared and the affection too. it went from long kisses to just one peck in the lips in the morning and before going to bed and holding hands on the street.

she has low self esteem, she doesn't like herself, practically no friends and very low social life.

she used to say often that i would be better off with someone else and that there are people better than her. she says "sorry for shutting down - it's not you".

she has a lot on her plate now (cousin with depression and suicidal attempts, a father (a nice person) which is a bit conservative and doesn't help her, actually her relies on her a bit too much, no job satisfaction, no own place to live and a shaky financial situation.

she gets angry often now and takes her anger on me. talks down to me (but never insulting) and allways highlights when i do something wrong (even the smallest thing) and is very impatient. however, when she feels bad, I am the one she talks to about her problems, fears, anger, etc.
i try to help ou in every possible way, but still duno what to do. she started her normal dosage of medication but there has been no improvements at all... she went for a conselling assessment 3 months ago and she has been called in to a proper session now, but it seems that the consellour tries to make an appointment when my girlfriend isn't available! she seems reluctant to the conselling too as she had a few sessions a long time ago and she hated them and says that make her worse!

I behaved a bit this way with my ex and I now realize how bad I was... but to be fair, I wasn't happy with my previous relationship before my depression and comparing the two girls, when this one is well, she is so much better than my ex by miles!
FOr some reason, i managed to get out of depression, but i guess that my personality allowed me to change my mind about things. but not everyone is like that!

she nows i love her and I would like to have a future with her. she says she can't commit to anything while she is in this state. she hates being like this.

i just don't understand why someone in this condition can be a bit mean to someone that seems to be the only person that listens to her and gives support (me) and deprives the relationship of almost everything a relatioship is made of, hates feeling this way and yet doesn't go forward with therapy! (she seems to be nice and smiley to everyone else... but not as much with me!
I'm very confused and dunno what to do... I feel like whatever I do to her makes no difference and that i have no meaning in her life.
on the other hand, I don't want to leave her because i have this feeling that once her house, job and money situation improves she'll get better. i also think that when she gets counselling she gets better too...

My father was married for 25 years with a woman (after my mother) that suffered from Depression and OCD... she was terrible and don't understand how he coped! he died of alzheimer a couple of months ago, 8 years after he was diagnosed. when he died, my girlfriend changed to her old self for about a week when I was grieving and she was absolutely outstanding, just the was she was in the begining of our relationship.

[Zaf]

All I can really say is that when we are depressed our behaviour changes and outhough our partners give us the most immense amount of help we behave and feel as you describe even though we know it hurts we somehow cant help it.

Z xx

[mamalou]

When you describe the way your girlfriend is, you could be describing me.

Severe depression is extremely complicated. I am sure she doesn't want to be this way, in fact I am sure she would give anything to be well.
I know how awful it is for my husband and children to live with me, but no-one could make me feel any more ashamed than I already do about the damage that I have done, continue to do and will do in the future.

I wonder if you could go along to the Dr with her, if she would allow it, and perhaps highlight some of the areas that are concerning you most ( without criticising )  ??

I am sorry you are struggling with her illness but she is still the same person you fell in love with, but hidden beneath the horrors of depressive illness.

Sorry if anything I have said is harsh in anyway - it's not meant in that way at all.

[Sweetpea]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I understand where she is coming from I took my feelings out on my poor hubby. I wonder now how he put up with it. But he knew I was ill and he loves me as I do him. I am afraid we tend to take our feelings out on the ones nearest to us. We also put a front on for others, so they do not see how we are feeling. Its quite common as I am sure others here will say too. What I will say is I think she needs to go and see her Dr and explain that she is still feeling bad and maybe discuss different medications. Sometimes our meds stop working and not all meds work the same for different people. I found that the right meds and good counselling (you need to gel and get on with your counsellor) worked very well for me personally. But saying that she has to want to do this herself when she is ready. Hope this helps a bit. I am sure others will post and offer advice to. S x x x x

[KateG]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I was going to say exactly what Shaz has, that we take it out on those nearest to us and put on a front for everyone else.

I was a complete nightmare to deal with, I shut my OH out so much. Now I'm much better, he has told me he was very very lonely when I was at my worst, he had no-one to turn to, to tell how worried he was. This makes me so sad. I imagine he felt very much like you do now. But through it all, even in my very darkest hours, I never stopped loving him and I never stopped needing him, however badly I treated him. Hang in there

Kate x

[orangelive]

Hi all,

thank you for your replies. you were the right kind of people i wanted to hear from which is from someone who had or currently suffers from this terrible illness. i don't know anyone who suffers from it and therefore i feel lost.
she has had a couple of bad relationships in the past. the first one turned into a nightmare as she was allways on eggshells with him and knocked down her confidence and the second one was good to begin with but he ended up being very selfish and she didn't have the courage to get out of it until her mother fell seriously ill. she also said that she didn't as many arguments with her ex as she had with me. but she wasn't happy with him anyway.
she says sometimes she'd rather be alone as the arguments become more often. she gets very picky with me even if i forget something trivial like turn the signal indicator on or have my flies undone. i absolutely hate the way she does it because it is not with a normal, but with a winge voice... I was bullied at school for many years and my mother beat me up when I was a child and therefore i hate being picked on!
I have a feeling she has been suffering from depression for a long time, maybe since her first relationship, and the condition might have worsened since her mother died.
Before me, she had a 6 months fling with a bloke 10 year younger than her. she never considered him as her boyfriend as they agreed since they met that they didn't wanted any commitment and it would last until he went away. they used to go out for dinner, cinema and stay at his house overnight a couple of times a week where they had sex regurlarly, but there was no affection or love. she said she had a good time, but he was an idiot and he cheated on her... despite the fact they're not in a proper relationship. according to her, he never knew about her condition or met any members of her family. for her, he was just a company because she felt alone. she now feels somewhat ashamed of that fling and wishes she met me before him.
She says she doesn't know why she is feeling like this and she felt that when she met me, that her condition would go away. she says it looks like this happens whenever she is in a proper relationship... could it be she has fear of commitment?
in regards to the medication, i suggested to her about it a couple of months ago, but she is a bit fearful because a work colleague suffers from Manic depression and put a lot of weight since she changed her meds.
i also suggested her that I would go to counselling with her, but she refused.

[Zaf]

For some reason when depressed I pick about the tiniest things too, no idea why and regret it afterwards.  Some medications do have the side effect of weight gain but many dont.

Sorry I cant be more helpful but have a nasty virus and feel grim

[KateG]

All you can do is try and get her to seek help, and be there for her. It will get better  %^%

[orangelive]

well, i try to. she seems to rely only on the meds and that's it.
another thing is that she has a very irritating addiction to facebook. she is constantly on it either on her computer or on her phone. even when we are talking together, either going for a walk or when having a meal together, she is on it, which is extremelly rude and looks like she doesn't care about what what I am saying. if I do the same, she makes a remark that i'm constantly on it.
I am reaching the point of not getting sad, but very irritated with her comments as I find it sometimes they are decieving and occasionally rude. however, i control my feelings and let it go... but how long will i stand this? I have to choose the words very carefully... constantly walking on eggshells and I feel that I have a more relaxed conversation with my company director than with her!
She is now living in temporary accomodation while her and her father wait to move to a new house. we meet in the evenings because she is not happy in the place she is now and talks about all her problems and I listen carefully to everything. she looks forward to be with me, but when she is she starts to kinda lay her frustrations on me and picks on small things I say (not about her, but about general chat) which makes me pull all my hair out. if she looks forward to be with me, why she behaves like she doesn't want to be with me? It is so confusing! I reached the point when I don't want to be with her as much as I did and now I let her have the initiative to see me! I feel that because she has a lot on her plate at the moment and being in a relationship is another stressnous effort for her and giving her the space is better for both of us. She knows I'm there for her when she needs...
sorry for being this long on my posts, but I have no one to talk to...
I spoke to a close family member about all this and I was told to leave her and not to be feable, otherwise I would become like her.
I won't leave her, but if she doesn't seek for help, does nothing to improve her condition and doesn't take advice on board, i believe I have no choice but to end our relationship... I know it takes time, and i'll wait.
She is saying very often now that she'll understand if I approach her and tell that I would like to have a break from her, because she knows she is being a nightmare and if she was me, she would have left already!
this is another confusion for me... if you know your illness makes you behave like this and you know that you are hurting your other half or anyone else close to you, why you keep doing it and don't seek help? it seems this this condition makes you regret what you've done after the damage has been done and that common sense doesn't come up while making a decision to try and seek help!
It breaks my heart to see her like this... if she is unwell, i become unwell too

[Sweetpea]

I know this is difficult for you.  Its as if we push our loved ones so much to see how far we can go and then regret what we have done.  I can't explain it as I was like this too.

You have us here to talk to, so you are not alone.

S x x x x

[orangelive]

thanks for the kind words, really appreciated.
Shaz: how long were you like this and how did you recover?

[Sweetpea]

It took a few months if I am honest, didn't like who I was  .  Counselling helped me a great deal and along with meds (which I still take) I am well now.

S x x x x

[Ezel]

Sounds like classic case of hurting the people closest to us.  I suffer with low esteem and little confidence and have always taken it out on those closest to me.  My mum and I didn't have a close relationship for many years as she was part of the problem and wouldn't accept it.  During the last few years I tried my best to sort it but she couldn't acknowledge that she had hurt me badly in my younger years.  I was the baddie in the relationship and that was it.  My sister and I don't get on great but she knows why I have pushed family away but at least she is accepting it.  My dadis just my dad and wouldn't change him for the world.  He hated me hurting, couldn't stand it if I cried because he couldn't take my pain away.  These days I protect him from this as he is old and I want him to believe I am okay.  My husband and I both suffer with depression so at times it has almost been like a war zone on a bad day.  We have got through bad days because we know we love each other and have a good support network.

Counselling days help but it's getting the help in the first place that's half the battle and your girlfriend may find it hard to do this.  If she does and can open herself up to it then counselling can work.

[SteveM]

Your story sounds very familiar to me. My wife has had depression since we originally met. Its effects have fluctuated but when it's bad (as it is now) she can be exactly as your girlfriend seems to be just now. I would tell  you to hang in there. Your original girlfriend is still there behind all the current issues. My wife and I have had some amazing years in between the times when her depression has been bad. If I hadn't stuck with her I wouldn't have got engaged, married and had two great kids. That's why I can get to the end of the day and think "that was the depression talking when she did ...". It doesn't mean it's a stress free life but things will hopefully improve with the right help.

[orangelive]

well, things are getting worse and taking a hoge toll on our relationship.
for the last two weeks she has been really unhappy living in temporary accommodation until her and her dad move to the new house. she is under pressure from everywhere and she can't cope with it anymore!
every little thing, no matter how trivial or insignificant it is, is a reason for her to get irritated.
in the meantime she started to suffer from very bad stomach pain which turned out to be due to an ulcer... most likely caused by the stress she is under. therefore, she has stopped taking her medication for over a week and the anger is coming up more frequently!
she is pushing me away even more and saying things like "there must be something wrong with you to be with someone like myself". I replied that i am with her because I have feelings for her and i understand what she is going through... but it is so frustating to be questioned why i am I doing this or that (hanging the tea towel straight for example after drying up my hands). she is having a go at me for everything and says that's why she should be alone because then she doesn't have to put anyone through her anger...
i told her that i'm upset... that why I am the person that does whatever it take to help her, does nice things and listens to her... and what i get is the exact opposite. she can be mean and sometimes hurtful!
I said why she got on a relationship knowing she was like this! I also said that the trivial things she bites my head off, would =n't be a problem with anyone else and she replied: go and get someone else then!
I don't know what to do!
we see each other about 4 times a week... she never says she wants to see me, but asks if i'm coming over... i can never find a reason to say no. when she is with me, it is a break from the bad environment she is living in, and yet, she makes me feel like crap!
what should I do? what should I say? my confidence is now on a all time low and i cannot win! she says she knows she is being unfair, but why she behaves like this?
she also says she is like this, because maybe her feelings about me changed... but when i ask her, have they cahnged or not, she says she doesn't know!!! I AM SO CONFUSED!!! I can't take this anymore! i feel like telling her it's over, but then i feel guilty!