Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?

[purple1988]

I have had depression since I was a teenager and I'm always getting negative thoughts. It's just recently I can't seem to get rid of these suicidal thoughts and keep thinking of how I'm going to kill myself but I couldn't do it to my partner. I love him and he's always there for me even when I keep going on about wanting babies, when we can't afford it and struggling with money. Everything seems to be going wrong for us, like his ex not letting him see his daughter, his car needs fixing, this laptop needs fixing and we need to decorate our house. I know things will get better but it's all getting on top of me & I sometimes feel like running away from it all.. I don't want to talk to a councellor or see a doctor as Medication doesn't work for me. It just makes me feel sick and ill. I don't like attention so I'm not going to tell any of my friends or family about this as they have enough problems of their own. I just need someone I don't know to talk to.

[whiteadder]

Hi Purple

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Lots of people on here have had similar feelings. I would say that if you're having suicidal thoughts you really do need to see your doctor as a matter of urgency.

Money worries and things going wrong can seem overwhelming - I felt overwhelmed by them last week. But things will get better and you will feel ok again.

Take care :)

[mrmoody]

yes indeed I keep thinking about it alot, that sometimes I wish I had the guts to go through with it, imagining it and doing it. Sometimes I think I would be better dead and sometimes wonder if I would miss out on something good happening if I was dead.

[Beetzart]

Hi Purple.  I would suggest seeing a GP about these thoughts, it is not healthy.  Saying that I get them too and when I tell a doc they don't seem to take much notice.  But they will pass.

[Buttercup]

Same here. I get those sorts of thought but couldn't follow through as I couldn't do it to my hubby and children. I too mention it but it doesn't really get much response, I think the logic is that since I haven't done anything that's a positive 

[Catbrian]

Purple....I've had secret thoughts of suicide for many years now. It is only in the last few months when I "came out" about it to both my GP and a Psychiatrist. Their very supportive response has actually taken some of the intensity away from daily suicidal ideas.  It's always good to share your thoughts no matter how dark they may seem.

[purple1988]

I don't want to go to the doctors, as last time I went cos I was feeling sick everyday and I keep getting sore throats in the mornings but they just told me to get a pregnancy test (I should of told them I would be fat by then as I had to go back a few times about the sickness and they would always ask the same thing!) I'm def not pregnant!! I also asked if I could have a blood test but they said no, that's why I don't want to go back about this depression thing cos I feel like they can't be bothered with me and think I'm making myself feel ill by worrying about it. Doctors piss me off!

[Zaf]

Is it worth considering changing you GP? 

[purple1988]

I have to a few doctors and they all asked me to get a pregnancy test.. They all seem useless. There's one I do like but she's hard to see as she's always booked up!

[mamalou]

Hi  Purple

I spend alot of my time ruminating on suicidal thoughts. I find that sometimes I want to reach out as they are uncomfortable thoughts ( i.e. I want to act on them) but the response I get is variable and often frustrating. Other times I live along side the thoughts and the urges and am unable to discuss them with anyone.

The one thing I can say, in my experience, is that these thoughts sometimes change priority in my mind so I can begin to live again, and other times I am barely aware of them. At times they are all I think about.

Hang in there, and if you feel you can, push for the support you need ( easier said than done I know). You are worth saving, looking after and keeping safe. Depressive illness is cruel and at times, all consuming.

Sorry for waffling. x x

[Catbrian]

Hi Purple...I understand exactly what you mean about GP's.  £*$

It sounds like you are not feeling too great, both physically and mentally.  From experience, both usually go hand in hand. It is very important that you feel able to approach a good GP. If you are not satisfied, why don't you consider changing them? 
I found I was able to move around a couple of GP's in the same practice until I found one that seems to take an interest in my care. Make sure they are taking your depression seriously and absolutely insist on blood tests as part of your treatment.  If you do not spell it out for them, how can you expect them to know how best to help you?

Recently I had a bad experience with a Psychiatrist I have been seeing for 11 years now. I didn't feel he was listening and I felt unhappy that we were not reaching agreements over an up-to-date diagnosis.  It is very difficult to stand up to these people, especially when we are at our lowest.  However, our recovery depends on a good working relationship with the care provider. In the end he agreed to refer me onto another Psychiatrist. It made me feel like crap for criticizing his practice but Iam sure a fresh look at my "issues" can do a lot of good. Take strength from, us and visit another GP

[Wabbithunter68]

I feel the same way. Have had depression on and off since I was a teenager, but have suffered from it badly for the last ten years or so. I periodically just want to give up and die but I have a daughter whom I'm very close to and just couldn't do that to her. So instead I pray for death. I'm just so tired of all the pain. I can't give you any advice, just know that you are not alone.

[Beetzart]

I feel the same way. Have had depression on and off since I was a teenager, but have suffered from it badly for the last ten years or so. I periodically just want to give up and die but I have a daughter whom I'm very close to and just couldn't do that to her. So instead I pray for death. I'm just so tired of all the pain. I can't give you any advice, just know that you are not alone.

I feel the same as you.  I have two young children, and like you I couldn't do that, I hope anyway.  Although I am tired of everything, and don't fear death at all.  Is it wrong not to give a damn anymore?

[Ezel]

Living with suicidal thoughts is horrible.  It's something I am living with more and more these days and have learnt to live with these thoughts. I find writing about it stops me from going ahead with commiting (or trying to) suicide.

[Zaf]

Death is a very comforting thought for me in a lot of ways but I no longer contemplate killing myself for a variety of reasons and I hope that feeling will continue