It's time

[pinkcasi]

Ok then, I apoligise if the content of this message upsets anyone, im not looking for help or reassureing words, im just ...well i guess im feeling good about it all now thedecision is made.
I've decided i am going to kill myself.
I've asked my boyfriend to be there with me when it happens, i dont know how he's going to react he's pretty against this kinda stuff, and i dont think he understands a lot of it.
I know that im happy with him, i love him and i love our life i just cant do this anymore, im going to lose him if this carries on, i dont want to be like this, the good days are ok and the bad ones are well you know pretty black, im tired of it all, 20 years of fight, there's only so many times you can do it and im done.
I've been good these last few days, haven't cut myself, havent cried, been alright then yesterday i woke up and just couldn't, i slept the whole day away then cried and damaged myself, i dont get it, i thought i was feeling better, i just dont want it anymore, my boyfriend worries constantly i dont want that for him, hefrets that im hurting myself when he's not around to look after me, he worries about me looking after his son, cos i cant be trusted i guess, im going to lose it all everything i've worked for and i cant, so im going to go, and i feel relief, the thought of being free truly free of all of this, it makes me smile.
I hope i can get my boyfriend on side with it, it's my life after all.

[Zaf]

Please reconsider, call the samaritans, get an emergency appointment with your doctor or call 999

Z xx

[pinkcasi]

I know youre trying to help but this really isn't a cry for help, i didn't post this so people would say Oh no your life is worth something please dont, thought i dont know why i did post it, perhaps just because i feel relief for the firts time actually making the decision, i dont want to be talked out of it i dont want to be stopped, i know my boyfriend wont go along with it though so im not sure really what im telling him for, he says he's worried he's going to come home and find me in a pool of blood so i guess im trying to include him so it's not a surprise, so we can be together in this
Right now in this very moment i have no idea what im doing, the decision is made the letter written, im at work so it'll not happen just yet.

[Beetzart]

I agree with Zaf.  Pinkcasi, please don't do this.  It is the depression talking, and if you go through with it it will have claimed another victim.  Is there anychance that the more you think about it the less likely it'll happen, seeing as you are at work now?  I do know what it feels like, I have been there many times.

My heart goes out to you, but please get help!

[Zaf]

I've been there many times too and although I still continue to battle with depression I'm glad I never got beyond the planning stage.  Death is totally final, you may think you want it now but do try to find the strength to fight this horrible illness.

Z xx

[pinkcasi]

I dont know where else to turn i really dont, im lost, totally lost, it's like i've tried everything over the years and i always get back to this point but end up bottleing it i dont want to do that, i just dont want to be here anymore and i cant think of another way to make things better.
I feel like they should lock me up and throw away the key, i would say i want to feel 'normal' again but i've felt like this for so long that i dont really know what that is anymore.
Some might say that the fact that i've said it here and to my boyfriend means i dont really want to go through with it, that im just attention seeking or something, maybe that's true i dont know i ust know i dont want to upset him by doing it without him knowing, do i want him to stop me...? I dont think so no.
The one thing that scares me not succeeding, of screwing it up and ending up in hospital and having to face my mum and work and stuff.

[Zaf]

At least two people that use this forum have tried suicide and failed, you could well end up phyically badly damaged and still no better off. 

What on earth would your mum think if you commit suicide?  How do you think it would affect her?

Z x

[KateG]

Please phone the samaritans or the crisis line. The one thing that stopped me from doing this a few months ago was the thought of my partner coming home and finding me dead and everyone blaming him (including him blaming himself) that he had not stopped me from doing it. Please don't do this to yourself or to your boyfriend, he will never get over it

[Sweetpea]

Please think about this, the people who will be devastated. Please call and get help.

[Ezel]

Each time I have tried to commit suicide I just did it, no notes, nothing.  Fortunately I've only ended up in hospital once which was back in 1998.  I did have that near death experience that you hear people having.  I was walking to the bright light, people were walking towards me and a voice kept saying 'it's not your time, go back.' l even saw my body on the hospital bed.  You know what?  It didn't make me feel any better and no matter how low I get, and yes I have been suicidal since then, I choose not to. I know I can help others simply by talking about my own experiences and listening to others.  There are even people I have got to know online that don't know that they have stopped me in my tracks about taking overdoses.   

Remember it's the peope who you leave behind that will be affected by it.  I know my husband would have found it very difficult to cope if I had succeeded in killing myswlf.

[Beetzart]

I attempted suicide in 1996, I was 18.  My life was an utter mess; no job, partner, or money.   Something happened one evening and I walked into my dad's garage, found some rope and pulled it tightly around my neck.  I remember drifting out of conciousness and saw my best friend standing by a gate just looking at me sort of like it was a dream.  Then after how ever long my arms dropped and the rope slackened and I'm still here.  This wasn't planned, there was no note, it was a spontaneous decision, that seemed right at the time.  I didn't care about life, just like you don't now, but there is always something to live for no matter how small or unimportant it might appear to others.  Apart from your family there must be something about this world that you treasure, no matter how vile (the world) it can be.  For me it is the thought of missing out on learning stuff.  That is possibly my purpose in life, to read, listen, and explore.  I'm pretty sure we only get one shot at this adventure.  I have made a hash of mine up until now but I'm not going to let an illness, no matter how it infects every crevice of your skull, beat me.  I know that is easy to say and probably doesn't help, and I could very well be suicidal again soon.  

I've rambled on a bit but I'll leave you with a short message my GP said to me when I went to him feeling suicidal.  I took my sick note, got up to leave, he then looked up at me, smiled and said 'You'll be fine'.

[pinkcasi]

i know life is worth somthing and i value everyone i know good or bad,and i know i should value mine but it's hard when you feel like this and playing the guilt card is just low.
i talked to my boyfriend tonight an surprise surprise he's not with me on this he says he's not ready to let me go which is nice i guess but im not ready to tell my doctor that im a danger to myself, hospitalistation no matter how necessary it might be is not an option i want to ask for
i dont want to die, i justdoint want to be here anymore, it's the only way out i can see, 20 years of hell is a long time,20 years of pretending and hoping im tired.

[Sallas]

I cant say it gets better, i cant lie. But the fact ur boyfriend is still around shows ur worth fighting for. I wish i had Of got help when i was ur age, before i had toO many things i could loose. I dont want to send condesending i just beg to seek help now, trust me the next ten years will b no fun if u dont. Just think by this time next year u could be happy & healthy, how great does that sound? But only if u get help. Stay safe & strong xxxx

[Ezel]

Please post in the morning so we know you're okay &*(

[pinkcasi]

Hey, i dont really know what to say, im posting so you know im ok, but im a bit numb in the brain today.
I tried to get in to see my dr this morning but he's not in till next week so i guess im on my own.
I felt so relieved when i made the decision but somehow by telling people you guys and my boyfriend, by talking about it it makes it sound ridiclous, i do this all the time i think about it and it seems like a good idea then i start thinking about my boyfriend, and my neice and what if i fail how do i explain that to work, what do i tell my 7 year old neice so then i bottle it, but i want it so bad.
I just honestly dont know where i go from here, i feel like im drowning and i dont know what to do.