Ok then, I apoligise if the content of this message upsets anyone, im not looking for help or reassureing words, im just ...well i guess im feeling good about it all now thedecision is made.
I've decided i am going to kill myself.
I've asked my boyfriend to be there with me when it happens, i dont know how he's going to react he's pretty against this kinda stuff, and i dont think he understands a lot of it.
I know that im happy with him, i love him and i love our life i just cant do this anymore, im going to lose him if this carries on, i dont want to be like this, the good days are ok and the bad ones are well you know pretty black, im tired of it all, 20 years of fight, there's only so many times you can do it and im done.
I've been good these last few days, haven't cut myself, havent cried, been alright then yesterday i woke up and just couldn't, i slept the whole day away then cried and damaged myself, i dont get it, i thought i was feeling better, i just dont want it anymore, my boyfriend worries constantly i dont want that for him, hefrets that im hurting myself when he's not around to look after me, he worries about me looking after his son, cos i cant be trusted i guess, im going to lose it all everything i've worked for and i cant, so im going to go, and i feel relief, the thought of being free truly free of all of this, it makes me smile.
I hope i can get my boyfriend on side with it, it's my life after all.