Hi - and hoping someone can help x

[girlwithtwohearts]

Hi there - I realise from reading the posts on here that there's a lot worse folks out there than me. But I still feel I'm dying inside.

I feel so alone. I have depression which is stress related - I've had periods off work before - the longest 4 months. I'm off work again at the moment. (I feel realy gutted that I've abandoned my colleagues and the students) The trouble is, this is a new job - which i only started in September. I'm a teacher at an A-level college - and when I'm feeling well, i really enjoy it and I know I do a good job. But this new job i took on, I feel I have bitten off more than I can chew - it's all A-level subjects - and I'm finding it really hard to keep up.  My doctor says someone who suffers from recurrent anxiety/depression should do a job they feel confident in. Thing is - I now definitely don't feel confident - as I've been off work since end November (it's now Feb)- and I'm still not well enough to go back. I'm not getting paid at the moment. I don't want to go back to teaching in secondary schools either. I do love teaching the A-level age group - but this new job I have is so pressurised timewise - as we have lots of extra stuff to do with a tutor group etc and I teach 6 different A-levels.  They said I could go back temporarily on a reduced timetable, which will help - but eventually I'll be back to full time again.

The thing is - I just feel so useless and worthless. I'm on anti-depressants - but I've been on them before and they take ages to work and then make me really hyper and I have to come off them. They change my personality quite a lot - one of the reasons I left the last job was I got quite gobby and flirty with some staff and even students! (it seems funny now, but I'm scared that's going to happen again)

I've tried CBT and counselling - and I've now got a life coach too - but I just can't seem to shake the fear I always come back round to thinking about - which is that i can't do this job. I know it's irrational - because I've taught A-level at the previous college I was at - but this time the stress/depression has knocked me over hard. Maybe because of the stress of starting a new job.  I'm really gutted because I know I can teach, I had a good teaching grade last year - but I have just seemed to destroy my own confidence with too much negative self talk.
At the moment i can't even plan one single lesson - it's like my brain won't work.

The mornings are bad - I wake up and then immediately all the panic thoughts come crowding into my head. I can't even do normal tasks at the moment - like sort out clothes or what to wear. Track suit bottoms and jumpers rule at the moment - so that makes me afraid to go out socially.  i can't seem to do simple jobs around the house - but I feel better as the day goes on. Evenings are better - as there's less guilt then about doing jobs - it's the evening so time to relax a bit.

I feel like i'm letting everyone down - most of all myself. I'm 42, single, and really want to have a partner and a happy life - but it all seems so impossible at the moment.  I feel like a very lost, lonely person.



I feel crazy lonely - because I'm just sitting here waiting for someone to reply but I know that ain't gonna happen immediately.

I feel i waste so much time - I can sit and do nothing for hours - maybe cos its totally the opposite of what I'd have to do if I was at work -and I'd be so busy I couldn't keep up with anything.

I also forgot to say that i go through periods - a year or two - when i'm totallay fine - manage the job fine - am sociable, happy etc - and then something gets really stressful at work and things get on top of me - and I crumble. I feel a coward cos I've run away from my problems at work (I know I'm not well and its not my fault but I still feel a coward)  And I feel a coward because for the last few weeks since I've been off work I've been staying at my elderly parents house, for company - so I'm giving them all my troubles too.  I feel like my family, my brothers etc - are fed up now, cos I've had this so many times before - and I'm just a waste of space.

I get on really well with the students and I know they like me - but I have just crumbled and dont feel good enough for them.   I hate myself for not being at work - and it's so hard to get back to it now.

Help. I pray every night for an answer.  I know I need to be doing certain things - like taking exercise, doing little tasks around the house - but to be honest these things dont really help the deep down fear and panic.

[**Drowning**]

Hi there, I was just reading the forum and wasn't really going to join until I read yours.  I'm a teacher too and have recently gone from a high performer being able to do everything and everything to someone who can't even function.  It's really frustrating and upsetting.  I just feel like there's no point to teaching any more, like I can't do it and don't want to do it.  Working so hard for what?  To impress idiot management, for another promotion?  I couldn't care less.  I had two break downs in the last week of half term - one where I even had to walk out of a class and leave them - I used to hate 'those kind of teachers'.  Now I am one.

I'm struggling to cope with just about anything at the moment, getting out of bed, even baking (near break down over kneading some cookie dough). 

I totally understand how you're feeling.  I'm at the doctors in the morning, hoping he will prescribe (terrified that he wont).  I've always been like this and have always had bouts of depression but it's at a point now where I really need help.  I'll message again when I've been in. 

[Arelbee]

Hi girlwithtwohearts

I have just found this site and yours was the first post I read.  It rather spooked me how similar our feelings are.  Perhaps there is nothing unique in that as I appreciate there are lots of depressed people but I felt compelled to send a reply.  I hope it is of interest.

Hi there - I realise from reading the posts on here that there's a lot worse folks out there than me. But I still feel I'm dying inside.
I do too.  Many days I simply lie very still and hope things will end.  I have two daughters and it is for them that I continue to fight and try not to take my life.

I feel so alone. I have depression which is stress related - I've had periods off work before - the longest 4 months. I'm off work again at the moment. (I feel realy gutted that I've abandoned my colleagues and the students)
I took 4 months off work and eventually left the role (a six figure salaried directorship.  I did not feel worthy to hold the position (even though I'd been relatively successful in it for 5 years) and despised myself for 'letting others down.'

The trouble is, this is a new job - which i only started in September. I'm a teacher at an A-level college - and when I'm feeling well, i really enjoy it and I know I do a good job. But this new job i took on, I feel I have bitten off more than I can chew - it's all A-level subjects - and I'm finding it really hard to keep up.  My doctor says someone who suffers from recurrent anxiety/depression should do a job they feel confident in. Thing is - I now definitely don't feel confident - as I've been off work since end November (it's now Feb)- and I'm still not well enough to go back. I'm not getting paid at the moment. I don't want to go back to teaching in secondary schools either. I do love teaching the A-level age group - but this new job I have is so pressurised timewise - as we have lots of extra stuff to do with a tutor group etc and I teach 6 different A-levels.  They said I could go back temporarily on a reduced timetable, which will help - but eventually I'll be back to full time again.
I now work for myself so as to avoid having to put myself back in the position of having to face everyone on other people's terms.  It is not a lazy thing, but simply that I am fearful of an employed role.  That said, I am having to look at jobs now because I am not earning.  Trouble is, I have been lucky enough to get a couple of interviews, but then my mood will change and I am too terrified to attend so make an excuse.  The thought of failure is too great even though I realise not attending the interview is the biggest failure of all!

The thing is - I just feel so useless and worthless. I'm on anti-depressants - but I've been on them before and they take ages to work and then make me really hyper and I have to come off them. They change my personality quite a lot - one of the reasons I left the last job was I got quite gobby and flirty with some staff and even students! (it seems funny now, but I'm scared that's going to happen again)
I'm on anti-depressants too - my third type in six months and nothing seems to be working.  I'm having counselling with no real affect.  I understand the 'useless and worthless' comment and like you I have real mood swings - though not sure if this is the tablets.  One day I can be confident, in control and charming, the next I just want to hide behind the sofa or curl up in a dark room - it is these changes - sometimes daily, even hourly that are so debilitating.

I've tried CBT and counselling - and I've now got a life coach too - but I just can't seem to shake the fear I always come back round to thinking about - which is that i can't do this job. I know it's irrational - because I've taught A-level at the previous college I was at - but this time the stress/depression has knocked me over hard. Maybe because of the stress of starting a new job.  I'm really gutted because I know I can teach, I had a good teaching grade last year - but I have just seemed to destroy my own confidence with too much negative self talk.
At the moment i can't even plan one single lesson - it's like my brain won't work.
CBT and counselling too - but the truth is it is up to us in the end - and if you are deep in depression I guess it is a long road out.  I so relate to the brain not working.  You are obviously a very bright lady and I am not daft either - yet sometimes my head just feels like mush and is incapable of processing anything.

The mornings are bad - I wake up and then immediately all the panic thoughts come crowding into my head. I can't even do normal tasks at the moment - like sort out clothes or what to wear. Track suit bottoms and jumpers rule at the moment - so that makes me afraid to go out socially.  i can't seem to do simple jobs around the house - but I feel better as the day goes on. Evenings are better - as there's less guilt then about doing jobs - it's the evening so time to relax a bit.
The para above is the exact descripton of me - though subsitute jeans for trackies!  It is a relief to get to the evening and allow myself to 'relax' - I then stay awake very late until I can last no longer realising that once I sleep it will be another bloody day tomorrow.  My sleep is pretty variable at the moment, not sure about yours?

I feel like i'm letting everyone down - most of all myself. I'm 42, single, and really want to have a partner and a happy life - but it all seems so impossible at the moment.  I feel like a very lost, lonely person.
It just adds to the pain to think I am putting pressure on other people.  I am fortunate to have a wife and two children though I must say, my wife and I are 'wired' very differently so it is very difficult for us to support each other.  My girls are just that - both under 8 and I hide my emotional problems from them as best I can.  It is those two that keep me going without question.

I feel crazy lonely - because I'm just sitting here waiting for someone to reply but I know that ain't gonna happen immediately.
I don't know if my reply helps at all - I certainly felt quite lifted reading your words - realising I am not alone in my thoughts.  But that doesn't mean I am glad you feel as you do!!!

I feel i waste so much time - I can sit and do nothing for hours - maybe cos its totally the opposite of what I'd have to do if I was at work -and I'd be so busy I couldn't keep up with anything.
I know what you mean - I can find myself frozen at my PC for hours and hours - totally directionless - and that adds to the frustration and feeling of self loathing.

I also forgot to say that i go through periods - a year or two - when i'm totallay fine - manage the job fine - am sociable, happy etc - and then something gets really stressful at work and things get on top of me - and I crumble. I feel a coward cos I've run away from my problems at work (I know I'm not well and its not my fault but I still feel a coward)  And I feel a coward because for the last few weeks since I've been off work I've been staying at my elderly parents house, for company - so I'm giving them all my troubles too.  I feel like my family, my brothers etc - are fed up now, cos I've had this so many times before - and I'm just a waste of space.
I have periods when I am not too bad - it is normally when I am working really hard but in a relative comfort zone  i.e. doing work for someone I know well.  The silliest things can set me off, it doesn't even have to be anything major.  I also know what you mean about pressuring your family - my parents are no longer with us but I have two great brothers who understand (from a distance - one in Australia!!)

I get on really well with the students and I know they like me - but I have just crumbled and dont feel good enough for them.   I hate myself for not being at work - and it's so hard to get back to it now.
I expect people tell you what a great person you are - I get told how talented, charasmatic and great guy I am - but it counts for nothing if you don't believe it yourself.  I really sympathise because as you say, the longer you leave things, the harder it is.

Help. I pray every night for an answer.  I know I need to be doing certain things - like taking exercise, doing little tasks around the house - but to be honest these things dont really help the deep down fear and panic.
I agree even though we know we should be taking those small steps.  I really hope for you that there is sson a way to start finding a better road to travel.

I'm not sure if what I have written is helpful or not.  I certainly hope you don't mind me replying.

I would happily talk some more if you think it may help - it has been good for me just to say some things to someone who may have some things in common, rather than simply a Doc or counsellor / psychiatrist.  I just wish I had the answers for us both / all.....

Take Care

Arelbee x

[**Drowning**]

Hi again

I went to the docs this morning.  It's taken me years to get up the courage - for fear of not being believed?!?

However he did understand and has prescribed me medication.  Fingers crossed it works.  Thinking of you as well.

[girlwithtwohearts]

Hi Arelbee and Drowning - thanks so much for your replies!  I didn't realise someone had replied - thought I'd clicked the 'notify' button so I'd get an email but obviously I hadn't - doh!  I'll reply more in a little while - I've set myself some stuff to do at the mo and I'm 'procrastinating' by logging on here ...

back to you later  xx

[girlwithtwohearts]

Hi Drowning - how are you today? Are you at work still, or did the doctor sign you off?  I assume you're still at work, you sound brave   x

[girlwithtwohearts]

Hi Arelbee - thanks so much for your detailed reply. I've sent you a message - look in 'my messages'    Kate x

[**Drowning**]

Hi Kate -  How are you doing?? yes I've gone back to work after the break(!).  If the doctor had offered me a sick note I would have taken in...but I'm glad he didn't, as I'm sure you know, the added stress of going back - I just couldn't cope.  Not that I'm doing amazingly right now - when year 11 students walk into my room I feel like dying (so much to do, so much pressure, so little time).

I've been on the tablets since Thursday...and although they take a couple of weeks to kick in I do actually feel a little bit better (however I fear this is the initial burst and that I will sink again before I even out).

Do you have any medication?  I just wish I'd gone for it sooner

x

[girlwithtwohearts]

HIya!

I'm OK - just get very panicky in the mornings - worrying about not being at work, wanting to lie in bed etc.  My brother, who is a gem, is great and rings me a lot. He said I need to get up early and have a normal day, doing lots of tasks and getting things done before I'll feel confident about going back to work. Maybe subconsciously I'm not doing what people are telling me (taking exercise every day etc) because deep down I dont want to go back to that job. I have to though - I'm not getting paid at the mo, as I only started there in September and only got 4 weeks sick pay.

Regarding the anti-depressants - yes I'm on them - but reluctantly. They take AGES to work for me (typically 8-12 weeks) and then when I eventually start to feel better - they make me rather hyper. They really dont suit me - but the doctor persuaded me to take them as they eventually make me feel better. I kick myself that I can't make myself do lots of aerobic exercise - because apparently it's just as effective as anti-deps.    The anti-deps seem to work quite quickly for you then??

Hope you bash those yr.11's into shape    &*(     -  speak soon -  K. x   

[girlwithtwohearts]

OOh just read your earlier post again and realise this is the first time you have taken anti-deps isn't it?  Glad you're feeling better on them. I think everyone has different experiences with them.

K. x

[**Drowning**]

Hi again

bad day today, think i'm going to call in sick tomorrow.  Can't cope. but i'm trying to decide what is worse, a day at work or the guilt of ringing in!

[girlwithtwohearts]

Hello my dear,

If its any help - the odd day off sick is fine, if it helps you.  The problem with that I found, is one day off led to another - and ultimately I gave up, went to the doc and got signed off sick because I just couldn't cope.   If you can keep going and keep going to work, to be honest that is the better option. Being off sick is not pleasant, as you feel guilty even leaving the house eventually, and you become more depressed - it is a vicious cycle.  Stopping the routine of going to work does not help depression in the long run.

Hope this helps.

K. x :)

[**Drowning**]

Thanks for replying.  I see exactly what your saying.  and I'll endeavor to make sure I keep going in - I know I could easily give up.  In fact - if i'm honest - I don't want to teach anymore.  I hate it.

I know i'll chicken out to call in in the morning.  I just feel like one day (especially after just starting the meds) will help me re-engergise.  I hate myself for not having the balls.

[girlwithtwohearts]

If you need to take the time, take it. Maybe the doc signing you off for a couple of weeks would help. x

[girlwithtwohearts]

Hi Drowning,

how are you doing?   Did you go into work the next morning?


love, K. x