my wife has clinical depression.

[Ezel]

Low self esteem springs to mind and that is hard to work through as I suffer with low self esteem.

[tarle1976]

What happens when u suffer with low self esteem. And what improves how u feel.

[Lol]

When you have low self esteem you have a low image of your own personal worth, underestimating it all the time. Others showing you positive ways you make them feel boosts your self esteem, the realisiation of your own worth to some one else, then once convinced of this, you can learn to trust that you are worthy and start to love your self. It workd the ohter way too, you may start with self esteem, then if others don't love you you start to doubt yourself and feel you are unlovable and have no worth. slippery slope.

[Glen53]

As Lol has said really - spot on. Boosting it can be tough though depending on how low you are.

Im suffering with low mood and especially self esteem right now and i find that when my wife tells me how much she loves me it helps. People at work are always sending me texts, telling me how much they miss me there and I met an ex-patient recently who told me how much of a difference I made to their life (im a nurse by trade). I cried. It started a battle inside me because I believed them...from THEIR point of view, but I still hate myself and my life. I try to remember these words and bring myself up, but I feel so low at the moment with what is happening to me that I still want it all to end.

I dont want to paint a grim picture here, I AM fighting this and I will beat it. That though is the rather long point Im trying to make. 90% of the battle is wanting to get better. If she has a fighting spirit and wants to win, she will with your help.

What can you do to help? Tell her you love her, and why. Do it often. It will be tough on you because you will be taking on more of the chores (kids house etc) but dont bring this up. Take the slack and try to make her life easier. Try to take her out. If she likes shopping, then take her and the kids out somewhere so that you can keep an eye on the money side of things, but make her feel like shes involved. Have an escape route if you do and be ready to leave when she needs to. It may be too much and she may want to go earlier than you or the kids.

Lastly? Talk.  :)

[tarle1976]

Yet again u say it like u know what she feels like.the patterns are such the same for so many .she wants to end it .she has to leave as soon as feels scared.I could not imagine what it must be like or want to .but you who have the illness do so much for people u don't know .u all are giving me great advice .can't thank u enough.

[Glen53]

You are most welcome.

As said, you clearly care for her so much, but dont take on too much yourself. Depression can take it out of those caring for people as well - I speak from experience here too.

Try to encourage her to speak to us on here more - I know she is on the forum already. That way she can talk to us about some of the scarier thoughts she has. Some of us deal with these thoughts everyday and although its still important for you both to talk to each other, perhaps we can lift some of the stress from you.

[chilliconcarnage]

For some Suicide is the ultimate self protection - Self destruct due to the horror/difficulty of life. Sounds daft dosent it!

Im a married man with two kids, 9 and 6. I have explained to my daughter (9) that Daddy gets a bit sad now and then but I have some medicine which im taking to help me out. I leave it at that. No point going into the depths of depression and all its co-morbiditys, kids dont understand and can get confused and take the blame on themselves.

My wife is understanding (her mother had been commited to hospital twice when my wife was young due to serious depression so she knows the score).

For me depression (pre meds), was hellish, I felt very down, all rational thoughts dissapeared and each day was a real struggle. Now (that im on meds Mirtazapine 45mg ) my depression is quite mild but I do have some oddities that run with it such as Intrusive thoughts (these are difficult to cope with), a "Weirded out" feeling, anxiety and sometimes a tarred/tainted outlook. But...I know I have depression, I know its not me really that is feeling like this. Im sick, Im ill, im taking medication just like anyone would for an illness of the body, it just happens to be my brain thats not working to great. I personally feel that your wife needs intense therapy/counselling as soon as possible. If she gets too bad and is seriously threatening her own life it may be the case that she needs to be looked after at hospital?? One thing I know for sure is that the stress of children is VERY difficult to cope with when im depressed. She may need space and time to sort it out on her own? But as for divorce, if the professional did say that, then its not professional at all. What about family therapy?

[chilliconcarnage]

Ive just read glen's last comment above, which is spot on. She can come onto this forum and tell us what she is thinking, trust me its probably no worse than any of us have thought at some time or another.


The only way is up.

[tarle1976]

No unfortunately she does not want to join or talk about it.I wish she would.

[tarle1976]

Today she admitted that she might need the night time meds again.

[Glen53]

Sadly you cant help her much if she doesnt want helping. Night time meds are a start, but they will only numb the feelings she has. Therapy is really what she needs - councilling, CBT or even talking to people.

All I can suggest is to be there for her and try to be supportive - as it sounds like you have been. Most of the time people hit a low where they realise that they need to be helped and it may just be she has not hit this yet.

[Ezel]

I agree that your wife is the only one who can ask for help which is difficult for you because you know she needs as much support as she can get.  She may come round to joining the forums so it's something that can be left open for when she is ready.

[Lol]

I think keep gently and respectfully reminding her that talking helps many, confirming it to her and allowing her to contemplate it in her own time, and one day she might come round to it.

Also, if you believe in the illness, and you are committed to staying and helping, then if she is taking meds and not feeling anything, keep gently and respectfully reminding her that temporarily her feelings are numbed. 'It is strange to feel numb, but at least we know it's temporary..' 'numbness is so hard for you, but its a necessary evil whilst you get better isn't it..' 'Do you remember when we used to... I miss that, do you?... I'm really proud of you for going through this numbness in order to get better and I can't wait to enjoy... agian..' 'imagine how it will feel when you can feel... when you feel better lets plan a holiday to celebrate how brave you have been to get through this..' 'I can't imagine how your numbness feels for you...tell me a bit about it...' 'I can not imagine how you are feeling, I think you are so brave and I'm really proud of you, I feel somtimes that we're in this together..' 'it's hard to believe that this is only temporary isn't it..'

Talk about it with her if she will. It can be like an elephant in the room.

[tarle1976]

Well my wife has ended our marriage she told her shrink she knows what she wants and its not the illness .someone give me some hope as she will have to leave not me and I don't think she will like that.

[Lol]

Oh Terle I'm so so sorry. This is what happened to me, but I still think my partner is in the grips of depression and the only way I have been able to come to terms with it is to leave her to do what she feels she needs to do. People should be encouraged not make life changing or major financial decisions during depression or depressive crisis, but sadly they feel they should. This is the most difficult thing to have to deal with. I don't have the answer. From what I can gather about the depression sufferer when they feel this way is that they feel the need to make major changes as a 'fresh start', the other alternative being suicide in some cases. But this is another, and the worse I feel, example of a poorly person doing and saying poorly things.

I'm so sorry, how does this make you feel?