Back Again

[Sallas]

I havent been here for awhile. Thats a good thing I suppose. I used to blame my depression on work (lack of) living circumstance etc At my lowest last summer I fought back and fixed everything, but I can Feel that pit of despair slowly seeping back. Im screaming inside and it hurts. The second i step out of bed Ill have to deal with the world and I dont want to. Alcohol has played a major part. I called in sick today, my first day back, how crazy is that? But i they only knew how I felt. Im almost afraid to cry today, cause i know i wont stop. I dont know how to talk to anyone cause i dont know what to say, other than help me! But when they ask help you with what, i cant respond. The shield comes up and im say just kidding, ive no control over it. I just dont want to go back to how bad it was. I just dont know what to do......

[Ezel]

 &*( it will take time.  What sort of things helped you before?

[lbruk]

the more you know about what is causing this the better. what have you done about your depression so farr?

[Sallas]

Honeslty nothing, its like my head just gave me a break one day and i tookk the oppurtunity to fix what i thought was wrong. Like i have problems, money, lonliness etc but they dont seem to even factor in to it, all i can think is, its time to leave, i dont want to be here, i dont want to be me. It just plain hurts to exist.

[Sallas]

Ive tried anti- depressents, they werent for me. I know they are a grear help to some but they just werent for me. Ive told a couple of people im struggling and yet im still here alone on this forum ( thank god at least u guys are here). I know im writting for a distraction, i know what my head wants to do, it wants to write that note and be done with it, i know i cant though, which is almost worse knowing you dont have the option. Yet all i need is just one break and i know im capable of it. I just need distraction right now, i suppose. Sorry if im rambling, just proper lost today. Thanks for replying.

[Zaf]

have you tried any form of counselling that might help?

[Sallas]

Id love to but the waiting lists are too long and money is no existant. Even at that i dont know if i would be honest in a counselling session, that shield that stops me wud come up and id lie myself into sounding as if im ok. Stupid i know, but its a long term habit..

[Sallas]

As the day is wearing on, i can see the light changing from my bed. I can that dreaded calmness, the one where it seems so obvious a solution. Trying so so hard to put that to back of my head. I made a dr appointment for tomorrow, i dont know how im gonna pay, what ill say, but if ican just focus on getting there, 20 hrs is a long time away though.
I need a miracle.

[Sallas]

I think time is standing still. I dont know what im waiting for, im lying here as if waiting for something to happen. What happens tonight when im still here. Just dont know what to do.

[Zaf]

Can you focus on your breathing or on how each part of your body feels to slow down or stop your thoughts?

[Sallas]

Its weird, the tears have yet to appear the gut wrenching scream at the end of a cry is no where to be found. My brain isnt thinking much, it scares me where the day is leading. I cant listen to my breathing without wanting it to stop. My brain is just broke i know its not me, im not thinking straight, i feel trapped. Im just staring at this forum trying to pick out the positive from peoples stories, but i can move im paralazises with fear that the second i leave this bed ill head to the cabinet. If i cud just sleep it off, sorry to be throwing this here, i just need to say it allowed ( write it down).

[Lol]

This is very difficult for you Sallas. I think it's important to be able to get it out. You're doing well.

[Munchroom]

Sallas, the more you get out on here the easier it might be to express yourself to your doctor tomorrow? Maybe you could print out what you have posted and hand it to him/her if you feel you don't have the words to explain?

I know all to well the feeling of staying in bed for my own safety and I know how destructive these thoughts can be. It'll take everything you have to make it through tonight but everyone on here will support you as best they can.

 &*(

[Sallas]

Thanks, went asleep for a half hour, i dont even know how that was possible my brain was so awake. Abit better now but still scared to move. Im already thinking that i shudnt go to work, i shud just stay here. How does the outside world become the enemy so fast. Its only half eight, theres hours, days, weeks months ahead how am i possibly meant to get back to normal, knowing how bad i feel now. Ive done it before but its just going round and round in a vicious circle. I so badly want to give up.

[Sallas]

Tik tok tik tok tik tok, never ending. i need to use the bathroom, the cabinet is there. its a choice isnt it, i can go in and come back or i can go in and be done. How did i get here today.