Back Again

[Sallas]

10 o'clock, the silence is overwhelming, a friend txt to say ring if i need to talk but what wud i even say? I want to end it all, now what? Im sure she wud know less of what to do than I. Ive started singing to myself, thats weird right? The phrase mental breakdown is being all to clear as the evn wears on. Still no tears though, ive given up being sad im just hopeless now. Its like the perfect storm, if ever im gonna take the next step im pretty sure its tonight. Its kinda sad.

[Sallas]

Just realised i dont want to die alone. Not something that can be really helped in such circumstances but ive never thought of it before. I want someone to say ill be forgiven & it will be ok. People wud understand if they cud just step into my shoes for just two mins, im sure they would. They wouldnt possibly expect me to keeping living if they knew just how bad it feels. If i cud just sleep, get to tomorrow & i dunno what i think the gp can do but if i can just get there ive hope.

[Sallas]

Still here, dont know why.

[Sallas]

I just read an old suicide not i wrote on my e-mail, a couple of years old but its perfect, it says everything i want to say. And i lay here with all the reason in the world and now this perfect note. I already know im not going to work tomorrow, but at least im thinking theres tomorrow right? What if tonight is too long and i loose that thought? I dont want to but i dont knwo if i can stop myself.

[Munchroom]

Sallas it is almost 2am, you are halfway there. Keep fighting through tonight.  It is important  to keep tomorrow in your sights, night time is the longest and most awful time when we feel this way, but it Will soon be morning. You wrote a note last time and yet were strong enough to keep fighting and get through, you can do it again and come out the other side and what an achievement that will be x

[Sallas]

Made it, i did go to the cabinet with every intention of taking as many pills as i cud find, thankfullly i stumbled upon a couple valium an old friend gave me, i quickly took them and went back to bed praying to sleep it off. I did sleep & im still here but i was hoping to wake up different.... stronger or better. I feel worse, valium hangover isnt helping. Ive called in sick, so i wont make the Dr ( shes near my job) so here we go another day, groundhog day. At least im tired.

[Sallas]

Tireds not good enough, my heads not fuctioning, its stuck on repeat, just let go, just let go. If only it were that easy.

[Sallas]

Endless, its like a slow form of torture.

[Sallas]

Must go to work or loose my place, then thats defiantly end game. How can I even pretend today that I dont want to lie in a dark room and slip away. Racing to a finish line, when I already know I lost.

[Lol]

Sallas you are experiencing very difficult feelings. I feel it would be a very good idea to talk to your GP about them. I hope you feel better soon.

[CharleysAngel']

I'm really sorry that you are feeling like this I think you really need to talk to your GP, I know that you think they won't be able to help but they really can. Have you got someone who might be able to go with you? A friend perhaps? Hugs to you xx