I don't know how open I can be on here? But I'm sure they'll say if it's wrong.
I don't know if I'm over thinking or just attention seeking, I've tried speaking to my friends but they think I'm insane and being dramatic and I've spoke to my doctor and the doctor has just gave me anti depressants and referred me to councilling, (I get called a drama queen a lot) so I'll see what you guys think. PS, this will be confusing, I don't know how to write to make things understandable when I'm explaining, I go off track a lot!
So basically I was put into care at the age of 14 after years of mental and (siblings suffered physical) I was raped at 14 and it went to court last year. Also that year (2012) I had an ectopic pregnancy and had my Fallopian tube removed. So yeah that's it really ha ha, it doesn't really seem that much now I've written it down and I know for certain there's people who had worse experiences than me so it feels abit pathetic really that I'm even complaining! I didn't even think twice when I had the ectopic, I didn't feel any emotions except for being scared when I was told I needed an operation (I was 18 and it was my first hospital visit) I was going out seeing my friends within days of being out of hospital, I was never at home.
This year I'm just an emotional mess,- I never really think about the baby which is probably why I'm getting such bad Karma- I never go out, I spend 90% of my time in my room and I see one maybe two friends once or twice a month. The outside world scares me. Which if anything is the complete opposite to when I was little, I'd rather of been out than in. I don't know if it's a normal part of growing up but It just seems abit drastic from going out to never going out. I go to college then spend my days in bed. I get called lazy and boring but the thought of going out scares me. If I could I wouldn't even go to college, I hate it. I hate everything haha. I just want to be in bed away from the world.
I used to love being me but now I don't, I sit on the bus and pray it will crash so then I can escape from reality. I know it sounds awful but my mind would never let me physically hurt myself but if others did then it's ok. I feel like I deserve it for some reason? I know someone wants me to suffer for some reason and that's the scariest part. I never know what's going to happen, I wake up and wonder what bad things are going to happen to me and I wait all day whether it be at college or at home. Either way, i just wait and I know it's because of this person who wants me to suffer. I wish I could just end it all but death scares me, but if someone else killed me then it seems okk because it's what I deserve. I don't know why I deserve it but my mind tells me I do. I'm scared. My mind tells me to do things like drink gone off milk so I'm sick or to starve myself but then when I do it I'm telling myself I'm stupid? I never hear voices, it's my mind and thoughts and always my voice. It's hard to explain because It just comes and goes, it just pops up and goes when it pleases so it's not really anything. I always have dreams about killing people I don't particularly like (I'm not an angry person I never complain or even stick up for myself) I tried speaking to my doctor but they aren't much help and I really feel like I need help, I don't know your opinion but I just want to feel like the old me again, I miss being me lol, I think ive covered most parts. Thanks for reading- opinions would be very grateful.
