Hi my name is James.
Firstly thank you for taking the time to read my post.
I am new here and just wondering if someone could possibly give me some help & advice
Relating to my partner who I feel may be suffering from depression.
We are both 46 and have been seeing each for about four months now,so our relationship
Is still in its infancy.she moved to my city 15 months ago as her daughter '23' had got a place at one of our universities.
At first everything seemed normal,we would actively do things together as any normal couple
Would do.
After the first couple of weeks I started to notice a shift in her attitude both towards myself and her everyday life.
Some of the things I started to notice where things like her ability to show affection ,anything from holding hands,kissing,hugging,intimacy & affection,At first I
Put this down to the fact that she just wasn't into me,but then she started to open up to me,she would tell me that she may not be capable of love ,I asked her why would she say such a thing ? Her response to this was 'she feels useless Says she doesn't know if she is capable
Of love,hates her body,says she always messes things up,was more often than not incapable of expressing herself emotionally & physically ( we did have a sex life but something was definitely missing),she would struggle with mature conversation of any kind other than expressing to me that the people in her place of work hate her,and she would often feel sick & frightened before going into work and would often feel like crying ( panic attacks),she seems to suffer from low self esteem,self worth,often worries about others & not herself,she would also seek constant reassurances from me that she was doing things ok,whenever I bought her flowers or gifts I felt that she doubted my actions when all I was doing was showing I cared for her.i felt she thought she was inadequate due to what she thought of her physical appearance,even though I told her often that she was beautiful,
I tried asking her why she felt this way but no matter how hard I tried she kept pushing me away & wouldn't confide in me .,over
Time things started to get progressively worse possibly down to the fact that her daughter had got a new job meaning she had to move to london thus leaving my partner on her own & losing out on the extra income her daughter provided.she took
On a second job (against my better judgement) but she went ahead with taking it anyway.
The two jobs she does is a nursery cook working Monday to Friday 9.30 to 2.00, that job is a 10 minute journey & the other is a cook in a fairly local hospital that involves a 30 minute drive,the hours for that are 3.30 until 8.00pm,she does that job 4 days a week.When we spoke on the phone or when we seen each other i explained some of my concerns such as she was working herself into the ground and she is not giving herself any down time & is having a serious impact on her quality of life & us.
I offered to help her by way of telling her that i would do the housework,cleaning,ironing,washing shopping ( im a very domedticated bloke :-) ) in the hope that it would take some of the pressure off her.i work myself (nights) but had more spare time than she had & wanted to help,she did not accept my Help & said she would be ok.
From that point things started to get worse between us,the constant phone calls & txts dwindled,the time we spent together became less and less & when we did see each other she would often sit away from me ! when her daughter visited I was totally pushed aside no calls or text messages & was never asked to meet her daughter or partner ( who would often stay )she would also hide my bed clothes & toothbrush so her daughter would'nt see I was staying most nights.whenever her parents phoned I was asked not to make a noise incase they discovered i had stayed the night it really did make me feel like the great unwashed,,her parents knew she had a boyfriend but it still didn't stop me feeling like a dirty little secret.whenever i stayed over i would wake the following morning to find she had slept in one of her other bedrooms ,when i asked her about this she said it was down to my snoring ( i know for a fact that i don't snore) i did not point this out to her though & put it down to the fact she has spent 6 years just her & her daughter.i would invite her to meet my family & friends but she refused saying they will hate her and gang up on her,which I told her was absolute nonsense but she still refused.
We had arranged to meet up the other week and we did,when I looked at her
I seen a woman That was not the woman I met several months ago,she looked worn out and haggard,I did not point this out to her,I asked her again can we have a heart to heart to which she replied 'I'm ok I just need time to make myself better ( she was certainly not ok),after ten minutes with her she told me she had to leave but we will have a talk next week.i feel quite helpless at the moment as is not letting me help even though I have told constantly that i am here for her
Whenever she needs me,I just get the feeling she is not letting me in and pushing me further away
And detaching herself from life in general.
I hope someone can give me some advice here as I'm at a loss as to whether she is showing signs of depression or something else.
I hope you can understand my post.
Many thanks.
