Woke up Friday morning thinking I just had a runny nose. Turned over to get a tissue to find pillow covered in blood! Got up and thought it had stopped but it started again with a vengance about 9pm. Stuck some paper towel up there but by midnight it hadn't stopped so went to A&E in a taxi. Waited 2 hours to be seen then was sent home at 5am.
We always belive the professionals so I thought all was OK until it started again at 6am. Waited a few hours but it never stopped so called 999 (couldn't afford another taxi).
Got taken back by Ambulance. The first thing they asked was "Are you Stressed". Well I suppose being married to a man you love with all your heart who walked out on you after 17 years cuz you didn't live up to his standards, then YES I was stressed.
I haven't posted for over 2 years as the man I loved walked away when I became pjysically crippled. Had a hip replacement op May 2011 but by Oct 2011 had a mass infetion so they took out the prosthesis so now I have no hip joint and a raised shoe of 3 inches to compensate. I can only now move around on crutches, wheelchair or mobility scooter.
Amazingly I have been a member of this BPD site for many years; I felt other people's pain and understood it but I was never diagnosed with BPD until I got "Sectioned" 2 years ago. When the Psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis I think she thought I was crazy coz I sighed in relief.
My first knowledge of a psych Hospital was 2 years ago. I hated every minute but the psychiatrist told me after 5 days (have been seeing a psychiatirst for 40 years to no avail) that I had BPD. She was amazed when I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled cuz I finally knew something I had known for years and years.
I never posted my findings because soon after I became physically crippled, attemped suicide 5 times, then the man I loved with every inch of myself, walked out on me.
That was 9 months ago. I spent Xmas completeley alone (had to have my baby bunny euthanised Xmas Eve cuz he was sick and in pain). Spent Valentine's Day alone, Spent my Hubby's Birthday alone wishing I could have been with him.
It's 2 1/2 weeks now till my 17th Wedding anniversary and I can't face that alone. I'm so scared of what I might do.
I had a CPN for a while but he decided I was cruel to my skinny 18yo cat and got RSPCA involved. She was fine and still alive but my CPN made my life total hell as a result so now I have NO support from MHS.
I reached out to the professionals and they fu**ed my life up.
OMG I am so negative right now and I don't know how to cope anymore. Everyone I ever trusted or loved have left me alone knowing I can't cope with life.
Spoke to Samaritains hundreds of times but they can't help. E-mailed Samaritains 21 Jan 2013 but to this day have never had a response.
The worst thing about all this is that I am actually a very intelligent person who went out to work for over 25 years, but as soon as I got sick I was discarded as uselesss and people see me as a cripple on a mobility scooter - they pat me on the head and say "Oh I understand". Well for f**k sake it's only my legs that don't work, my mind is still totally alert.
Ultimately my own Husband has walked away. What employer in their right mind will ever want to employ a depressed invalid?
