I am such a klutz, even here...a proper introduction to me.

[Luna]

This morning I posted on another new member's thread, and deflected attention away from their issues and onto my own.  I genuinely felt a sense of relief to read that someone else is experiencing some similar emotions, but this afternoon I feel shame that I was so narcissistic as to do that. Whether or not the next forum member was chastising me for this i do not know, but I am certainly chastising myself.

This is the everyday reality of my depression/low mood.  I certainly do not feel this way all the time, but I know the signs- lethargy, indecisiveness, anxiety about almost everything I do or fail to do.  Walking near walls rather than out by the kerb, not wanting to go out, not wanting to stay in...wanting, essentially, to be elsewhere.  To some others it may look as if I lead a charmed life, with a kind, successful husband, healthy reasonably happy kids, nice house, good friends, etc, but the quality of my moment to moment consciousness is far from charmed, troubled as I am with feelings of unworthiness, emptiness, failure, feeling entirely as if my very foundations are totally unstable, but not having much of an idea how to shore myself up for the future. I simply do not trust myself to make any big changes, because I can swing really drastically between opposing feelings- holding out hope that something will sort me out, doing it, and then realising that I can't bear doing that thing or cannot manage my emotions whilst doing it (such as voluntary work, joining a choir...anything that involves commitment)

I mentioned in my other post that I have finally started psychoanalysis on the NHS, and I am working hard to address my drink problem (I don't believe it has been severe enough to count as alcoholism, but there have been times when it has been headed that way)  Today is my first day at home on my own after a skiing holiday, during which I drank alcohol, only moderately, but every day, because its what you do (the only excuse I needed)  Skiing is OK, but I'm not that great and find it very tiring, so right now there are several things contributing to my low mood, but when I'm in it I just can't talk myself out of it.  So I need to hang on in there, not drink any alcohol, get some early nights, and hope that a brighter mood will come over me.

I think late 40s is a tricky time for all women, as our fertility grinds to a halt, and the patterns of our hormones, expectations of the future, role in life have to be readjusted.  I am very fearful of this new phase in my life.  I even suffered from depression when it felt like I had everything to play for, when that next great thing might happen that would make my life complete.  At 48, I have long lost that kind of faith in the future.  But these rhythms of life have to be experienced by everyone, I try to tell myself.

Worst of all, this wreaks of self pity.  I do thank god (or someone) for my kids.  Because now I have to pick my daughter up from school, and pretend I'm OK.  It does help, actually.
Thanks for reading this.  Bye x

[Ezel]

I don't see any self pity in your post, I see someone who is honest  &*( .  Drinking alcohol does seem to be a touchy subject to raise as it can bring up strong views.  There have been periods in my life when I have drunk too much alcohol as it was a way to avoid facing emotions.  These days I am a social drinker and can avoid it for months, even years, when I choose to so I know it's not a problem for me.  My hubby rarely drinks so we don't make a point of having much if any in the house except for special occasions or in as a treat as he does like brown ale  or a nip of brandy in coffee.  However if he thought I or anybody close to him was drinking too much he would be blunt about it.

[KateG]

Hi Loula

Please don't beat yourself up about what you previously posted. Whilst I wouldn't wish how we feel on anyone, it is comforting to find someone with the same experiences.

Don't feel that you're being self-pitying either, we are all here to help each other and understand

Kate x

[Sweetpea]

Hello Loula and welcome to the forum.  :).

Please don't worry about where you posted, we all understand here.  As Kate says its not nice to know others are suffering, but at least you know you are not alone.

We all care here and help each other.

S x

[Zaf]

We do very much understand &*(

[Glen53]

You come across as honest to me, not self pitying.

Its a common thing in depression to be too hard on ourselves and its a tough habit to kick.

I hope you find this forum as supportive as I have.  :)

[Spid]

God you sound so much like me, but much more articulate! This is the way things are. Welcome to the forum

[Jae]

This morning I posted on another new member's thread, and deflected attention away from their issues and onto my own.  I genuinely felt a sense of relief to read that someone else is experiencing some similar emotions, but this afternoon I feel shame that I was so narcissistic as to do that. Whether or not the next forum member was chastising me for this i do not know, but I am certainly chastising myself.

Hi Loula .. please don't feel bad about your post .. I know how you feel though, I kinda felt the same myself about some of my own posts where I have posted on other people's journals and things and started talking about my own experiences.  I felt a bit bad about having done that, so I posted this thread to apologise! http://depressionforums.co.uk/dpf/index.php?topic=1457.0  .. I guess the replies on there will apply to you, as well as to me then 

I suppose it is only natural that when someone says something that we identify with, we automatically want to say "yes, yes, that's just how I feel!" type thing, nothing to feel bad about  &*(

[Luna]

Ah, thank you all so much.  The person is question, it turns out, actually appreciated me sharing my feelings, so as is so often the case, Iwas being unnecessarily self doubting.  Re. being articulate, it can sometimes be a curse.  I can argue and persuade myself in and out of so many different perspectives, usually completely incompatible.  I talk and write circles around myself, honestly! and am never entirely sure where I am located in all of those words.

A good night's sleep after a good healthy meal last night has given me a good start to today.  More severe depression  and periods of upbeat mood bordering on hysteria for me occurs in cycles- i have sometimes wondered whether I am a bit cyclothymic, but then again, it's just a label, and it wouldn't really make any difference if I had one.  At other times I experience a low level depression and uncertainty which makes everyday life knackering.  Baby steps, one day at a time, etc etc.  Trouble is when I feel low I sometimes don't do the things that might make me feel better.  Thanks for understanding.  Have a good day, try to do something you enjoy, if you can xxxx

[Luna]

@ Spid.  See how rubbish I am at accepting what is actually a compliment to me.  Thank you.  My ability to express myself (in all my confusion) is something I am grateful for, and a little bit bit proud of.  :)

[Luna]

And thank you Jae!  The similarity is striking.  I suppose these feelings are indeed part of the condition xx

[Jae]

Ah, thank you all so much.  The person is question, it turns out, actually appreciated me sharing my feelings, so as is so often the case, Iwas being unnecessarily self doubting. 

I saw those posts earlier and was so pleased to see it turned out your words had actually helped .. bet you are glad you posted them now (and you can breathe a sigh of relief) 

[Spid]

@Loula - you could really be describing me - up and down in cycles - I've started trying to map it out - however I do seem to be 'down' longer than 'up'. What about you? Hope you are feeling a bit better. I can be verbose with the best of them - but not that day. Look forward to getting to know you.
@Jae - love the profile pic!

[Luna]

Hi Spid

Yes, it really does depend on which day, doesn't it?  But over and above that I will have a predominant mood for several months at a time.  Right now I am in a period of slowness, feeling rather withdrawn, finding it hard to enjoy life, weight gain, lethargy, wanting to sleep, feeling fearful of managing certain social situations (especially whilst trying to keep my drinking in check)  Spring is round the corner, however, and I definitely get spring fever...but that's it, fever, and my mood can become elated, certainly not to the point of psychosis, but definitely I can feel wired and heady, as if I've just dropped some E  (which I have done a few times in my life, and the effect of it is very similar to my high moods, especially the high mood I get when I fall in love)  The onset of a high mood is typically very sudden for me- and is characterised by weight loss, taking on new projects...probably unrealistic thoughts about what I can achieve....yes, quite manic when I come to think about it.  That mood can last for several months, but then starts to gradually ebb away in the direction of depression. But within that larger pattern I can have mini cycles of the same thing. And sometimes, I might even occupy the middle ground for a couple of weeks! If it were simply a matter of SAD then that might be easier to manage, but thunderbolt onset of totally inappropriate desires are somewhat harder to deal with, as a mother of two kids with a home to run....

I am on citalopram 20mg (been on it for three years) and I'm not sure it really has much effect on me, but I guess i'd only know for sure if I came off them.  And I was once prescibed Lustral for PND and it made me a little suggestible/ very slightly delusional, although I knew that was why it was happening (as someone who has taken mind altering drugs a couple of times- I absolutely don't any more, by the way, a- I have the kids to think of, and b- the crashing come-downs and midweek blues are totally hideous c- it is simply such a bad idea for someone like me)

What is your pattern?  What treatments do you use?  Do you see the issues as mainly chemical or is there stuff in  your background? I would like to compare notes at some point if you would like to do so.


I am so lucky to have been referred for psychotherapy on the NHS.  I was originally assessed for CBT but was told I was not a suitable candidate, and that I have a problem with unresolved feelings. I was on the waiting list for two years and have had about 8 sessions so far.  I have paid for therapy before, but the difference this time is considerable- the therapist is really in a whole different league.  I once did a couselling course, and learnt about self-awareness, the dangers of projection, the importance of boundaries of several different kinds.  This course was enough to show me that such work would be very very challenging for me.  When I worked as an English Teacher, I found it so hard to contain my emotional life, especially with the subject being as it is.  Woe betide if you were being taught King Lear by me when I was in a depressive phase The point here is that I have got into difficulties with other therapists, the boundaries have gone wrong and we've run into problems.  I get the feeling that this therapist really knows how to keep totally professional.  And for me, I suspect it is better to be seen by a man rather than a woman- ialthough it would take too long to explain why.  Anyway, I went to see him yesterday, and I am actually starting to feel a few things shift a little.  Again, hard to explain why...it is a process, and change is not predictable, and I am making emotional discoveries.

So, onwards and upwards, or onwards and downwards....I am really not that desperate at the moment because I can laugh!  When it gets really desperate I can't talk to the children.  That is the pits.  Must find myself a little pic for the site.  Have a good day xxx ps writing lifts my mood

[Luna]

Change of username- the other was too close.  The fact that anyone can read these posts has made me nervous.  It is hard to feel safe, and I am now feeling I have said too much- another symptom of the dreaded black dog, maybe.