Hi everyone
I just wanted to know if I could get some advice. I accepted I had depression about 5 years ago. It took until the day that I was planning to commit suicide to figure out I had a problem and it might not just be an unfair world... Lol. Even though when I thought about it, I'd had problems with very negative thoughts, anxiety and guilt (over tiny things, nothing significant) since I was a child.
On that day, I decided I could either do what I'd intended or at least give my friends and family a chance to help me by telling them how I felt. I thought if they didn't take me seriously or couldn't help, I would at least have tried. I really thought they would be better off without me, and that i was so worthless that they'd probably agree it was for the best eventually. I guess lots of people will understand that. Anyway, I got loads of help, just like I really should have known, and from the most unlikely sources.
My wife helped me enormously, and is a constant reality check for me when I feel negative about something, to ask if I'm seeing a situation correctly. My work were amazingly as well, and although I had to have some time off, they arranged councilling for me due to long delays in getting help from my GP, and eventually I was able to get back full time again.
It was the darkest and most painful time of my life and I know that the way I behaved at times did hurt other people. I am much better now though and all bridges have been mended.
My question though, relates to the fact that I can barely even bring myself to think about those couple of years while this was all going on. When I do it's like I'm feeling all the emotions again and I'm so frightening I won't be able to come back out of it. This is irrational as I've managed to cope really well, and even though I do have the odd wobble, im confident I can never get as bad as I was again, purely because I understand what's going on now.
But I'm a bit worried about how I react if I have to think or talk about it. Or if a friend of mine (who also has depression) talks to me about how she feels. It's like I'm terrified of the depression itself now, even when I'm feeling good.
I don't know if this is something else I need to resolve and deal with head on, or if it's just natural to have bad memories/feelings over a time that was for me, traumatic, and in time it will get better if I leave it alone. I didnt mean for this to me so long but i just wanted to explain what i meant.
So.. any ideas?
