Dark thoughts, warning might be triggering

[Zaf]

This morning I felt neutral, possibly mildly irritible as I dont like the wind and its cold and windy here

I was doing the horsey chores, which are fairly mundane and my mind tends to meander and I usually go on 'auto pilot' while I do them unless I really concentrate to be mindful.  I was wondering what to do today after I'd done the outdoor and indoor chores and remembered I had planned to go for a walk in the woods, my mind then has the following 'conversation'

Its windy, you shouldnt go in case a branch comes down and you're killed (there have been a couple of deaths /injuries in those particular woods from large branches falling from the big beech trees)....... it would nice not to be here, life is a struggle and not very nice......but people depend on you (mosly my mum and OH).....well, if I wasnt here they'd manage somehow......it would be lovely not to be here, warm and cosy like being curled up in a big duvet (got a picture in my mind of sort of curling up in foetal shape and feeling warm, comfortable and safe).....those people only want me around to look after/care for them, they'd be OK....... what about the dogs and horses?...... They'd be OK and wouldnt miss me after a while....it really would be lovely to leave his existence and be warm and cosy (same picture and feeling as before)....well, its your karma to suffer on this earth so get on with it and take what comes....if I stopped being careful not to dangerous things I might die and get to that warm safe place....I'm not sure if thats cheating or not......it really would be lovely to be in that warm safe place....well, if its meant to be it will be but you cant make it happen, thats wrong....but it really would be lovely.....but you cant as its wrong....

And on and on with that last bit of argument.  I dont feel suicidal or even in the frame of mind when I have been in the past and very close to taking that ultimate decision, I dont even feel down today so I'm rather perplexed at the train of thought I'm experiencing, I'm not suicidal at all, I would just rather be in that warm safe place rather than here

[Lol]

Dearest Zaf. You are describing the mental conversation of ones own understanding of feeling trapped and inescapably responsible.

You have, through various life events, and for the boldest and most galant reasons, trapped yourself in a situation of responsibility for everything and everyone around you.

Who is taking care of you Zaf? This womb-like foetal position and warmth you yearn for is your own desire for nurturing, safety, escape, love and peace. Are you longing for some one to look after you instead of you looking after everyone else all the time? You feel the others who depend on you are doing so in an almost (please forgive this rather crude phrase) parasitic way. They are taking and taking all of your energy, effort and love, but not really giving an equal or larger amount in return. You yearn for yourself, the safety you give others.

It is not death you crave. It is love. and it is cessation of the constancy of giving and giving and giving all the time.

[Zaf]

I hadnt thought of it like that lol, I do certainly feel trapped by a lot of things at times, I'm not really sure if I'm wanting someone to look after me but you may well have hit the nail on the head when you say I have trapped myself in a situation where I feel responsible to keep giving and doing and helping with no obvious end in sight, if that is the case I have no idea to rectify the situation

[Lol]

I think it is important to seriously consider what would happen if you let the business go. You said in a post a few weeks ago that you have at times secretly wished for it to go under, although you would find this incredibly sad and it would have a knock on effect for the rest of your family, your mum of course, it would be a relief if you had to concede to its collapse.

This is your life. A life that has been given to you. Other people come in and out of it, but it is yours and no one elses. You are controling other peoples lives for them and not your own. Let them take care of theirs. Your mum HAD her time in that business, when it was at its prime and thriving. She has done it. But it is now an albatross around your neck. It is not your albatross Zaf. Put it down.

Tell me what it would be like if you put it down.

[Zaf]

I would feel guilty and I would feel I was about to jump out of an aircraft without a parachute - I would worry if we could make ends meet mostly.  Having said that I began to keep monthly accounts of our incomings and outgoings at the beginning of August, I know this sounds daft but it was for a reason but I'm not sure quite what it is!

I would agree I need less responsibilities, selling Maxie was part of that realisation, but I dont think I understood how much other things make me feel trapped, I feel really awful but there are times when I'd like to leave everything and everyone and only have to worry about myself.  Its possible I ought to go back to counselling for a while to work this out

[Zaf]

I did come to realse a few weeks ago that I go through life thiking "I can do (something nice) when I've done .... (chores of some kind) - this applies both to short term and long term things

[Lol]

I think counselling again would be very valuable indeed. You have a good counsellor who knows you and whom you trust.

You don't want to think about anyone but yourself any more.

You are the type of person that likes to think of others, and in doing so you feel good about yourself. Proud of yourself. But now the pleasure of thinking of others all the time has diminished and has become more of a chore than a pleasure. When any task becomes more of a chore than a pleasure it is natural to want to stop doing it. During depression this is particularly hightened and you loose perspective of why it feels like that.

You are not happy Zaf. You are not happy about having to perform duties that no longer give you pleasure but are instead now only a chore. The balance in your life seems to you to have disappeared. Everything is covered in a sense of duty and the tangled web of emotions intertwined with this is overwhelming. You are overwhelmed.

Tell me what your life was like before the pressure and duty that came with all the responsibility you took on? what were you doing? what made you happy? who made you happy and what and who excited you and why?

[Zaf]

I'm not sure that thinking and doing things for others gave me pleasure, it just seems the right thing to do somehow and has now become expected of me, I think I really ought to see if I can go back the counselling as soon as I can.

I know I'm not happy lol, at first it seemed that pressure was a big cause (and it probably was to begin with) but I've shed a lot of pressure and in the process of shedding more which is probably why these other issues are nw surfacing.

I loved training horses, helping them to learn and seeing them improve, being proud of them when they did well and being excited when we got good scores or did well in competitions.  I cant go back to that as physically I'm not up to it so I suppose finding a substitute along those lines might be worth investigating.

[Lol]

It seems to me though Zaf that the responsibilities you shed were the very ones that were all about you and used to give you pleasure. I understand that rehoming Maxie was the right thing to do at the moment but she/and your current physical incapacity was a sacrifice to the other reponsibilities you are plugging away at, which, forgive me if I am speaking well out of place here, are not really your own. From what you have said over the last few months, you are gradually shedding your life, in order to make others lives better? Which is a tribute to how lovely you are as a person, but it is damaging to you at the same time.

Zaf I'm terrible sorry if I cause any offence with the things I have said, I do sound like I've got it all figured out and a bit preachy, I'm only discussing this with you like we would face to face over a coffee, it's just that when you see it in text it looks more... severe? I hope you understand and are not thinking 'mind your own business you rightious so and so'.

What about your husband Zaf? You have said that sadly at times you feel nothing for him, but you once did didn't you. Why did you marry him?

[Zaf]

I know what I need to say but not sure how to say it lol, there will be a bit of delay answering.......

PS  i'm certainly not thinking "mind your own business"

[Lol]

That's no problem zaf take all the time you need. this is your own space and they are your thoughts. x

[Got]

It is hard when you have so many things to think about to know what to do. I hope you resolve this soon. X 

[Zaf]

Thanks Stevie, I'm sure eventually I'll work things out with the help of my counsellor and all the lovely people here :)


Lol, you are wonderful :)  its great to get someone else's point of view and have to think about searching questions.   the responsibilities I've given up are things about me and used to give me pleasure but they are things that I have gradually been leaving behind as a new me started emerging about 10 years ago - below are my thoughts that I was struggling a bit to get over.....


When I was younger I did almost 99% of the work with the horses, even to the extent I kept some horses fit and schooled for OH to ride, I only worked part time and took on outwork so I had time for the horses during daylight hours and OH worked full time and maintained the horse transport and our own vehicles to save money so we could afford the horses and to compete.  At times it did irritate me that I would get all the tack cleaned for both our horses and even get OH's riding clothes and boots cleaned and ready for him as well as loading up the box the night before then get up in the early hours to groom and plait the horses then have to hassle OH to get up so we could leave in time.  On the other hand he built two lovely horseboxes mostly by himself in his spare time for us to go to shows but as far as the day to day help was concerned that was minimal and often I had to struggle on my own or nag to get the tiniest bit of help when it was something I really couldnt do by myself.  At times I continued competing when I felt I wanted to take a break because for some reason I felt I would be letting him down, in fact I think on more than one occasion he said he would miss going to shows if I stopped riding.  Part of the reason Maxie was sold is because I couldnt take her out on my own as she was nervous and at times unreliable and it was stressful trying to coordinate with him to get her out as much as she needed to be worked for her education to continue and to help her overcome her nerves. 

I suppose I'm actually shedding things that I find stressful to continue with because I dont get as much help as I need and when my dad's death pushed other responsibilities my way I had less time to "do my own thing", I do still enjoy pootling about with the horses but stopped wanting to compete about 10 years ago and think I will probably start enjoying messing around with them again now the pressure is off having to do things with them rather than wanting to do them, I'm also now happier to only have older horses rather than young ones as I used to.  This latest bout of depression has made me realise how I overload myself with responsibilities and worries and thankfully the counselling has helped me work out ways to prevent it happening again but I do know I need to shed some more and possibly change my life a lot more to get where I need to be to stay healthy.

I married in 1974 when I was a teenager - possibly a bit too young, our marriage had the normal ups and downs but was happy despite sometimes us being incredibly hard up; I started to change about 10 years ago which I feel guilty about, I now feel that the real me has been hidden all my life and now its emerging but that process is changing me, even the horses and dogs are gradually becoming part of the old me and much as I love them caring for them is becoming a responsibility rather than a joy at times.  Sometimes I feel like two different people, I have touched on this subject with my counsellor and she feels  lot less bothered about it than I do, she seems to think that in a way it may be a positive thing but urged me not to think of two me's but a new me emerging rather like a butterfly from a cocoon - the new me allows my spiritual and creative side to emerge which I like a lot but then the material world ( like work) seems to try to submerge the new me and thats where a lot of conflict and stress arises I think.

I'm not sure if thats understandable or not, during this latest bit of self examination I have also realised that most of the things I grow in the garden are for other people so perhaps rather than struggling with 3 greenhouses, a polytunnel, lots of fruit trees/bushes and 15 raised beds I might mothball some of them and only grow things I want to eat!  I'm sure there are other examples in my life where I'll discover I'm doing something similar....

[Bewildered]

I am sorry that you are felling this way Zaf.
xx


and I think Lol should be made an honorary something or other on here as he? she? is sooo very in tune with his/her emotions and always gived great advice and support.
I didn't assume on gender as I do get a distinctly feminine and yet a strong masculine carer vibe from Lol.

[Zaf]

I think its something I need to go through atm karen, I just feel very goilty its affecting my OH so much at times.

I'm pretty sure lol is a he :)