Hello,
I’m really hoping for some advice and I apologise in advance for the rambling nature of this post.
I was diagnosed with depression approx. 3 years ago. My symptoms upon seeing my GP for the first time were very severe and included suicidal thoughts, loss of appetite, extreme sadness, anxiety, tiredness and an inability to focus.
At that time I’d reached something of a crisis point (and as such my symptoms were magnified), but I’d felt the lethargy, general sadness (though less severe) and ‘fuzzy-headedness’ for a long time prior to that. I suspect (as do family members) that I’d been depressed for several years before reaching this crisis point and seeking help.
Over a period of several months my GP prescribed various antidepressants until we found one which worked for me - 60mg Duloxetine which I stayed on for 2 years. Whilst this medication helped enormously with the suicidal thoughts, appetite and anxiety, it didn’t help my inability to focus and constant need to nap.
At first I was so pleased it was helping me feel better (in some ways) that I tolerated the aspects it didn’t help with. It was a huge relief to not feel suicidal anymore and to be able to eat. However as my anxiety lessened in severity and the meds allowed me to feel calm enough to make changes in my life (which were probably contributing to the anxiety in the first place) I’ve felt able to do more and this has brought with it its own problems.
I’m now a mature student, am working again and am managing to spend time with friends and my horse - all huge improvements (as being around people was a big stress for me). But as my activities have increased, so has my need to concentrate on and motivate myself for the tasks at hand. This is becoming very problematic and I’m growing tired of feeling so weepy all the time (which has never completely gone away).
After another visit to my GP we adjusted my medication again to Setraline (which made the tiredness worse), then to Mirtazepine (which is even worse than the Setraline), however the problem is that a) this sleepiness and fuzziness seems to be a common side effect of antidepressants, and that b) these symptoms were very much part of my depression prior to being on medication. The anxiety, which is now not present, was always interspersed with fatigue, melancholy and feelings of sluggishness.
On a ridiculously regular basis I find myself unable to focus. So far today I have burnt two separate lots of boiled eggs (they both boiled until I smelt burning), fallen asleep on the train (despite having a good night’s sleep) and walked to the local shop without a coat (I kept thinking ‘need to put a coat on, need to put a coat on’ – but didn’t realise I wasn’t wearing one until I arrived there). I have been so concerned about this sort of behaviour that I’ve been googling Alzheimers’s disease, brain tumours (my Grandad had one and was forgetful), narcolepsy and ADHD (a family member has it). Whilst I’m sure I don’t have any of these afflictions, I’m that concerned by my behaviour.
I am deeply unmotivated to do anything – including things I love like horse riding and am VERY tearful about seemingly nothing (my lecturer gave me perfectly nice constructive criticism this morning and I promptly burst into tears!).
What I would like to know is, firstly if there is anyone out there with a similar predicament who found a medication/ supplement/ strategy which worked for them? Or is this basically my choice – feeling suicidal and anxious versus feeling non-suicidal but despondent, sad and fuzzy?
Just a side note: This post has taken me several days to write - in Microsoft Word in sections, then copied and pasted. This is the only strategy I’ve found helpful (to break things down into pieces) but as the above examples demonstrate it is not ideal and not applicable to most situations :-(. I’m in serious danger of dropping out of university because I’m too tired and unmotivated to keep up with the workload (though it’s a subject I’m passionate about) and I’m so tired and foggy-thinking I can barely do a full day of work or study. Even playing polo for 1 chukka (7 minutes long) is a struggle both concentration and energy wise. I am so very angry with myself and really want to give myself a kick up the backside, but I can’t seem to get a grip of myself.
