Hi

[Holykimura]

Hi I just want to say hello, I don't know where to start really. I was initially diagnosed with depression about four years ago. This happened whilst I was at work where I am a teacher. I remember I was trying to teach a class but could not find my words and asked if I could see the school counsellor. I remember being told that it was ok to go home and when I went home I slept for days. I remember my partner saying that I would just wake up and go back to sleep. My brother took me to the doctors to see what i had, the doctor agreed with him and said i had depression. I was stunned, i didnt want to be depressed and i remember  crying. I was given citalopram 20 mg. Eventually I made it back to work as i was only training at the time and was told I needed to come back as I wouldn't pass the training period. I started to feel better and i decided to stop the medication. That Christmas I freaked out my partner and son by demanding that insurance and mot certificates needed to be found as the car was due for it's road tax. I should also explain that I have two children from another relationship who I'm not allowed to see because my ex doesn't want my new partner to have nothing to do with them. My sister lives on the same road as me and my two other kids visited her all the time. I'm probably not making much sense but that Christmas eve I was verbally abusing my partner and she we were screaming and shouting at each other and she decided to reach for some tablets, in a panic I grabbed her by the hair and she started screaming and my son started crying and they left to run to my sisters. Luckily they came back and felt so ashamed at what I did that I vowed never to to get angry again. I went back to the gp to get some medication again and carried on taking it. In that summer I had a relapse again and I was alone with my son playing football and I kicked the ball into his face and I thought what have I done people are going to think I've done this on purpose so I contacted my local mental health doctor and explained what happened and felt that I was a danger to the kids and that i needed to be locked away she told me in that case I needed to go into hospital. This made me scared and I didn't know what to do and cried all the way home. I told my partner what I was told and I broke into tears and my eldest son started crying  I was adamant that I needed to get away from my family as iwas a danger too them so I insisted on going into hospital. When I ws there it freaked me out and I realised this was not the place for me. I came out after pleading with staff to let me out since then I had my medicine increase to 60 mg and then changed to venlafaxine and am on 300mg as well as 600mg of qetiapine I have been in out of the job and decided to take this week off. I am so down sitting on the stairs wondering what should I do I have been taking lorazepam a maximum of 2 or 3 mg and wanted to come off with the help of my gp we tried to taper of it and she switched it to diazepam and now I have managed to stay off it for a few months and as soon as I get back to work I need to start taking it again. I am sitting at the top off my stairs crying and wondering if life is worth living any more. My partner loves me so much my two children with her love me so much. I love them with all my heart but I'm so scared that I might hurt tem and they'll leave. I was bought up by a mother who was very strict and used to beat me really badly and I remember I used to be so scared of even showing any signs of anger incase of the next beating. I still loved her dearly, but she died in a car accident and it left me devastated. I don't want you guys to think I'm horrible or anything I just didn't know where to turn too. I am tired of fighting this ilness I just want help sorry if it sounds confusing I've tried to make it sound as real as possible, I know my partner means well and she is feeling the effects and is so tired I worry for her so much. I know shell want me to go to work on Monday but I havnt got the heart to say I don't want too, I worried it will break her down. I've got an appointment to see my psychiatrist on Thursday and I am frightened they will tell me I need to go into hospital, I couldn't bare going back there. I hope somebody understands me even though it sounds confusing

[Zaf]

Hi, if you dread going to work is your job part of the problem do you think?  If you think going back to work is going to be detremental to your mental health could you not explain this to your partner and wait to go back till after your appointment on Thursday?

[Holykimura]

Hi, if you dread going to work is your job part of the problem do you think?  If you think going back to work is going to be detremental to your mental health could you not explain this to your partner and wait to go back till after your appointment on Thursday?

Hi thanks for your reply, I have had a lot of time off and by that mean 3 months in one year and almost 6 months in another, eventually my partner and I came to the decision for me to go part time, with a hope that this would help with my condition, but I'm only 8 weeks into the new year and already feel overwhelmed. Work is definatley the reason for feeling this way. My poor partner is bearing the brunt of my situation and l just feel that at any time  she might walk even though she has reassured me a million times. I have hinted at not being able to go in but I know she means well by saying it will keep you distracted. I am so stuck I know this will sound ridiculous but I even thought that i'll drive to work an call in sick and stay out all day until the time I come back home normally. The problem also is that I feel I couldn't go in without taking my diazepam, my partner and my community support worker have said I need to try without but the thought of that just sends me to a panic attack. I guess I'm in a catch 22 situation

[Lol]

Welcome Holykimura. It sounds like you aren't ready for work again yet. Could you go in for a 'keeping in touch' day where you can be in, and experience, the environment but not have the presure of having to perform in it. This might enable you to gain confidence that you will be alright when you decide to go back.

I understand from what you have said that you had a bit of a freak out over accidentally hurting your boy with a football. You go on to say that that led you to believe you might be in danger of purposefully hurting your family? Do you ever actually feel that you could purposefull hurt anyone? or is it a feeling of paranoia that other people may get the wrong end of the stick and think you might be capable of purposefully hurting someone?

[Zaf]

Somehow you need to explain to your partner that going to work will do more arm than good, I know its not always easy to get things across to people, my husband can never understand that at times I get agorophobia so badly that even thinking about going outside brings on panic attacks, but because he is very supportive when I'm ill (as your partner sounds as though she is) he now accepts thats how the illness affects me sometimes.

It might be worth showing your partner this web page http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/depressive-illness-the-curse-of-the-strong.html it does explain quite well how depression affects us and how we need to rest rather than do things.

xx

[Holykimura]

Welcome Holykimura. It sounds like you aren't ready for work again yet. Could you go in for a 'keeping in touch' day where you can be in, and experience, the environment but not have the presure of having to perform in it. This might enable you to gain confidence that you will be alright when you decide to go back.

I understand from what you have said that you had a bit of a freak out over accidentally hurting your boy with a football. You go on to say that that led you to believe you might be in danger of purposefully hurting your family? Do you ever actually feel that you could purposefull hurt anyone? or is it a feeling of paranoia that other people may get the wrong end of the stick and think you might be capable of purposefully hurting someone?

I guess I could try and go in, problem is I have to teach, I don't think work would understand if said I'd like to just come in to not perform, I could just go through the motions ? I don't have a very suppportive head who is notorious for the way she bullies people, and if I tell my in line manager she'd have duty to tell the head

I don't think I could ever hurt anyone unless I or my family was threatened it is probably paranoia that others might believe that I'm capable of doing it I can't even get angry without breaking into tears.

[Holykimura]

Somehow you need to explain to your partner that going to work will do more arm than good, I know its not always easy to get things across to people, my husband can never understand that at times I get agorophobia so badly that even thinking about going outside brings on panic attacks, but because he is very supportive when I'm ill (as your partner sounds as though she is) he now accepts thats how the illness affects me sometimes.

It might be worth showing your partner this web page http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/depressive-illness-the-curse-of-the-strong.html it does explain quite well how depression affects us and how we need to rest rather than do things.

xx

Thanks for your kind words. I think I will try to explain to her what I'm going to do and see what she says, I don't  know if I could show her the website she might feel insulted or something like I could for one minute not understand what she is going through? I just don't want to hurt her or make her feel like I don't trust in her judgement but I guess I won't know unless I show it to her? I know she means well by saying if I leave it to long I make it harder to go back . Thanks again

[Zaf]

I dont think anyone that hasnt experienced depression can have any idea what its like to be honest and its great your partner is supportive, I would suggest thank her profusely for all she has done for you before trying to explain how you feel and of course only show her the webpage if you feel it may help.

If work is one of the factors making your illness worse it makes no sense to go back until your depression is better under control, I can appreciate that she thinks its more difficult to return to work the longer you are away but in my case (work was the main trigger of my depression) the doctor advised me when he thought I was ready to go back.  Could you suggest to your partner that you would prefer to wait until you have spoken to your GP or whoever is in charge of your mental health to see what they advise about returning to work?

[Holykimura]

Ok i this morning I tried to explain how I was feeling about work. My partner who knows me well said that she thinks that staying at home is no good for me too. I asked if I could wait until I saw the consultant on Thursday, she said that it's torture for her knowing I'm home on my own and the way I feel I'm stuck and still don't know what to do.

[Lol]

I don't think it is about her, and you don't need to be asking for permission to do what you know you need to do. I think what your other half is saying there is that it is worrying for her to imagine you at home and it makes her anxious. This is a worrying situation, but so is going back to work for you. Maybe you could have a conversation and enable her hear your fears in general and about going back to work, but also what you are doing at home and how that makes you feel. She maybe has some suggestions for you that you hadn't considered even? or maybe you can alleviate some of her anxiety over what she 'thinks' when she is away from home picturing you at home. She may be concerned for your safety on your own and home and needs your reassurance?

[Zaf]

Lol is quite right, you must do what is best for you and convey this to your partner in the nicest possible way but also as firmly as you can.  Going back to work when you arent ready could make your illness worse which I think you somehow need to impress upon your partner

[Holykimura]

Zap, Lol, thanks again for your advice, I have had several discussions this morning with my partner. We have come to the decision I will try and go in on Monday and if I feel that I can't cope I can ask that I come home. I will keep you posted. I can find the words to explain how relieved I am to firstly find people here who understand how hard things can be and secondly I feel that already I have made friends with other people. Most of mine have little to do with me anymore since I explained my condition.

[Zaf]

That sounds a sensible compromise, its great you have been able to talk to your partner about how you feel and come to that agreement, please do go home if it gets too much and dont try to brave it out.

Sadly any mental illness, including depression, still has a stigma attached to it, on top of that a lot of people simply dont know how to cope with us so its easier to avoid us

Do let us know how things go and of course share anything you want or need to in the meantime xx

[Holykimura]

Well I managed to stay at work, despite feeling very anxious, I used some of the techniques I learnt like relaxation and evasive answers and it worked! I also had to be very economical with the truth. I feel very good about doing so and it a bit of a weight off my shoulders!

[Zaf]

Well done, thats great :)