Hi I’m David and am new here, have joined up seeking help to make sense of things and hopefully share ideas and generally improve my situation.
I am 33 and believe my problems started during my teenage years, I recall suffering violent mood swings that would last for days – Looking back I think every family believes teenagers get like this and I continued with this up/down routine - my mother had a serious bout of depression which started during my early to mid-teens, her last serious depression occurred prior to me being born when she was seriously ill with anorexia, her depression this time did not get better and she has been living with this ever since – as have my family and I. During the worst times she was sectioned and lived in a mental health ward at a local hospital, more recently she is stable but the depression is severe and a constant “threat / worry†for all of us.
My late teens and early twenties were a disaster area of failed relationships, mainly because of my mood swings, in 2001 I met a girl through friends and moved 120 miles to be with her, 2 years later that failed and I moved back home, straight into another relationship with a woman who I would subsequently marry, that relationship had its ups and downs again due to my mood swings and general incompatibility in certain areas, but then in 2007 while trying for a child we had problems and I was eventually diagnosed as being infertile. (The doctors said in this case I fall into 0.01% of the populous and can never have children)
The marriage ended due to the huge stress this caused and I spent 2008 living at home with my parents going through the horrendous process that is divorce whilst trying to come to terms with being infertile.
I managed to keep the marital home by taking on the huge debt myself and moved back in June 2009, at the same time I met my current partner who is much younger than myself, she was studying at University and I regularly travelled down to spend time with her, something I enjoyed – I think I would describe this as escapism – as I always felt like I was getting away from my “other life†somehow. (This would now be the third long distance relationship I entered into)
My girlfriend has now finished University and we decided to live together, she has moved into my house and I have spent time and money decorating, buying new things and generally trying to make the home somewhere she feels good and happy, as well as putting my own stamp on it and removing the memories of the marital home.
I have always worked in my life, starting work before my GCSE exams at 16yrs old I worked 7 days a week, apart from the odd week or two I have worked solidly since then, and now hold a good job that pays well for my age, I can afford a nice lifestyle which is comfortable (ish) but I still have a tendency to live beyond my means – who doesn’t!
So I can take a look at my life and it looks good, good job, nice home, girlfriend who loves me, even the cat is friendly…but I am just not happy.
I have been to the doctors on and off and taken anti-depressants during my early twenties, but I never felt as though these helped, more recently in 2009 I had 4 sessions with a cognitive behavioral therapist which I think helped, but yet again I find myself in despair at my own thoughts and feelings.
I find it very hard to be content in life, I act on impulse a lot and drift in and out of hobbies, becoming very interested in something only to drop it again once the initial exciting period ends, I can swing from feeling ok to violent anger if something simple goes wrong, I constantly want a different job believing the grass is greener (even though deep down I am aware it probably isn’t) I have a hard time viewing the world and have a negative view of people because I seem to be able to see how people wrong each other so often and it upsets me, I also seem to be able to spot other people with depression just by looking at them, the eyes are the giveaway I find…I put this down to the years of hyper analyzing my mother trying to spot when she might be tipping downwards again.
I have over 100 Facebook friends but no real friends, no-one at all that I could depend upon or really talk to. I blame myself for this as I know I can be quiet and unsociable but at the same time it upsets me that no-one wants to talk to me or just do stuff as friends do.
I have noticed more recently that anxiety seems to be playing a huge part in my life, I feel unable to relax and wound up all of the time, I physically suffer with neck ache most of the time and despite treatment for this in 2008 and 2009 it won’t go away, I also have nearly ground away some of my teeth as I grind them during my sleep. I often wake after sleeping 9-10hrs yet feel terrible, and am constantly tired.
Since my girlfriend moved in my mood swings seem to have come back more often, I have tried to recover from these as quick as I can but the down days really pull me down, I also have uncontrollable worry too, for example since getting new sofas last week I am already worrying about wearing them out, same thing with the carpets – despite paying for quality that I know should last.
I feel as if I might be better living alone, but deep down don’t want this. One thing that I feel more and more though is guilt for upsetting someone close to me, all I want out of life is to be happy and comfortable and to share it with someone I love, yet why for some of us is this so hard to find/achieve? I know that if I keep making the same mistakes then one day life will be over and I will have spent it being miserable, that thought scares me tremendously.
I think talking about it helps, but I have never talked to someone about my infertility, I know my problems started a long time before being diagnosed, but I think the infertility compounded a feeling of hopelessness – knowing I can’t raise a family robbed me of self-worth and purpose.
The time has come to seek more help and the inevitable doctors trip I have put off for too long, something I will address over the coming days, I have been reading some websites and stumbled across this place, reading through some of the “welcome new members†posts helped to reassure me I am not alone, but it is also very saddening to think of others going through the same things, some worse than myself I am sure, I hope to make some friends here and perhaps even get / give help by talking.
Thanks for taking the time to read my (lengthy) story, it’s who I am good or bad I guess.
Dave
