Why do you change?

[Bewildered]

Why do some people change so much because of depression? Why are so many relationships affected? Isn't the medication supposed to fix things? Why why why would you love someone and then get better and NOT love them anymore because you are a dofferent person? What are the medical/psychological reasons for changing soo much? I need to understand this  "£"please.

[Zaf]

My last two episodes of depression have changed me a lot, mostly I think because I have tried to find ways of avoiding the depression recurring and analysing my life to understand what causes it

[Got]

I've seen it in other people, and I've had it done to me. I think people try to cut the past off and make a fresh start compeltley, as a way off avoiding depression. It's very hurtful to have someone love you so much and then just walk off as if they dont care. 

[Zaf]

It must be desperately hurtful,  I havent left my husband but I think he has found some of my changes difficult to cope with at times.

Thinking about it in my case I wonder if depression is simply the way my body/brain copes with things that I know need changing but am conciously or subconciously resisting, the illness possibly shocks me into realising that change is needed

[Lol]

I've seen it in other people, and I've had it done to me. I think people try to cut the past off and make a fresh start compeltley, as a way off avoiding depression. It's very hurtful to have someone love you so much and then just walk off as if they dont care. 

This seems to be true, but if the depression did not originate from the relationship then what's the point in avoiding the relationship?!

It must be desperately hurtful,  I havent left my husband but I think he has found some of my changes difficult to cope with at times.

Thinking about it in my case I wonder if depression is simply the way my body/brain copes with things that I know need changing but am conciously or subconciously resisting, the illness possibly shocks me into realising that change is needed

I don't mean to pry directly Zaf but this tends to suggest that there is a problem within your realationship therefore doesn't it? You have never suggested this before so I'm assuming not, so this can't be right can it?

It's so confusing!

[Zaf]

I'm not sure if I can explain this properly lol but I'll give it a go....

When we were both working with the horses we did almost everything together or for the same aim - ie towards the competitions.   He stopped riding before I did due to hip problems and once I stopped competing we lost that single focus, we seemed to drift back to things we were interested in before we were married (in 1974) and dont do much together at all nowdays, apart from work and neither of us really like the business and would prefer to be earning money elsewhere.

I know I have changed a lot and that he finds the way I've changed difficult to deal with, from a confirmed pagan/athiest I found a faith about 3 or 4 years ago, its a rather obscure faith that originated in India which I think he simply doesnt understand despite trying me to explain on many occasions, I still hold many of my pagan beliefs too as they are compatible with my faith -  he isnt keen that I go to meetings once or twice a month as in the past I would be at home most of the time whether he was out with his motorbikes or not so he isnt used to me not being here from time to time. I suppose I rather resent that as he has always gone out two or three times a week but now I want to go out occasionally I'm seeing a considerable amount of resistance to it.

I think I started changing slowly when I stopped competing with the horses about 10 years ago,  as though that focus had disappeared and the real me was emerged from a sort of shell, I did speak to my counsellor at length about it and she did understand and wasnt at all surprised so I guess that having a massive change in direction in life happens to people during their life and its not that unusual. 

Perhaps there is beginning to be a problem with our relationship that I wasnt really aware of before but I wouldnt leave whether there was or not as I would consider it to be my fault for changing.

I hope that ramble makes sense,  just putting it down as I think about it....

[Bewildered]

I second that Lol...there isn't anything wrong with our relationship and we have had no big changes or stresses in our lives...I can understand cutting off your previous life...whether it be job/relationship whatever if that is what you think triggered the depression but if it wasn't me then why punish me?

[Lol]

Thanks Zaf. It is lovely of you to try to explain. That must have been quite difficult as it came out. You have shared some very personal things there and I am very appreciative and humbled by your openness and honesty. I'm sorry for having purged that from you I feel guilty but very privilaged. Thank you.

I can see that you have had a very multidirectional life all considered and that chopping and changing has been unsettling and to a certain extent unplanned because once you are in a focussed routine, however much you know an end to it is going to come, you can never prepare for the changes that arise directly from it on so many levels. You have mentioned 2 main directions your life has taken that weren't necessarily of your choice or liking; the taking on of your family business and the finish of your competing and loss of some horses. These are massive and stressful, however much you had a hand in the decision to do them, very stressful indeed. It is also reasonable to understand that a major all-consuming passion/focus like competing or the energies of a family business could supress your self. It is no wander you 'emmerged' after you stopped competing.

I sometimes think there is a tendancy with longevity in relationships to assume all is ok because it has been for so long, and we start to not say when things aren't to our liking because thats not what we do any more! Therefore it comes as a shock to the other one when all of a sudden we want to start to do other things, find faith/ new hobby/ new friends. It becomes the unexpected.

But Zaf, the underpinning foundation of all that is surely love and respect for ones partner? Through all these good times, stressful times, bad times, tight times, worrying times, great times, exciting times, there stands, as sure as oranges is oranges your stable loving partner. So why with all these obvious external influences, would one drift away from the attraction to ones partner?

[Zaf]

lol, firstly there is no need to feel guilty, in a way I think its good for me to explore my feelings like this even though its a bit tough every now and again.

I'm not sure if I can answer your question to be honest and I'm not sure if I started changing before I stopped competing or the lack of focus after I stopped competing triggered or promped the change.  I did keep on with horses as I started driving them for pleasure and continued breaking and training youngsters but for driving with no competions as the goal.

Should I get any more insights I'll post some more

[smirfy21]

I find myself changing everytime I cycle through my condition, just the perks of being bipolar I guess. I feel so lucky to be me (not)

[danbob]

I find myself changing everytime I cycle through my condition, just the perks of being bipolar I guess. I feel so lucky to be me (not)

you and me both matey..... BPD is awful, i wouldnt wish it on my worse enemy, its completely messed up my life

[Munchroom]

Self hatred - we despise ourselves as we are so we try and change anything we can to make ourselves into a different and therefore 'better' person.

We simply cannot believe that anyone could love us, so we try to push those away that do in order to 'set them free'. If we make the decision for them then they are no longer forced into staying in a relationship with someone as horrible as we perceive ourselves to be either out of a feeling of duty or the worry of what we would do if they were to end the relationship.

[Kylesesh]

Thanks to bullies messing my life up mentally I have changed badly.
  I just wanted people to make me happy but having punches and words thrown at me I went spinning down into a huge pit of depression... I was drinking, taking pills to perk me up, getting angry easily and just being a lil git all the time.

I still feel bad... But I mask it with fake smiles and laughs