hiya
where do i start!!! today i feel total crap
i have had a couple of really good days where i felt almost normal whoopy. it has given me time to think and clear my head alittle. i have read lots of posts on this site and love how supportive everyone is and how you are not frightened to share how you feel. me i still find it hard to get my head round the fact i have depression. i am a very strong person normally, always the one to lean on and am happy to be that but am finding it hard to lean on other people. it's like admitting i've failed in some way. does this amke sense or am i just babbling?
over the last 2 years in my life a lot has happened. mainly family issues. i have a large family but am very close. my aunt died very suddenly in january 2010(she was like my 2nd mum) and understandably everyone was very upset, her2 daughters and 2 sons are like brothers and sisters to me as we lived in each other pockets for years. my mum took it very hard and i had to be there for her whenever and she handled it fantastically well and i know she miises her evry day, as do i but i don,t think i ever cried. ihad to be strong for them not the weak one!
then in august 2010 someone very close was charged with and admitted to doing something so terrible, i cannot post it on here. this was kept very quiet and only a handful of us new about it. my dad was devastated. i could see the terrible effect it was having on both him and my mum. he was a support for the person being charged as his family didn't want to be there. i was there for my dad even though i didn't really want to support the other person. this went on for 3 months and i didn't sleep or eat right the hole time. more for the worry over my dad. i was frightened he wouldn't cope. i didn't tell any body how i felt about this person, how disguted i was and that i wished they would just disappear. i didnt tell my dad how i felt as i feel it would hurt him to much.
in january of this year my neice who was 18 was taken into hospital with swine flue. in the space of 2 hours she was in intensive care and put on a ventilator and her mum n dad(my brother) were told she could die!! my god did that floor everone. again i am the supportive one and although i barely functioned i was there for everyone else. she is a fantastic young lady whom i luv to bitsit was touch and go for the 1st 4 weeks but things turned around for her and she fought her way back. i have to say she is almost back to normal after all this time. when i see how strong she has been to overcome this i bust with pride and wish i could be that strong. this keeps me awake at night and i worry about her all the time.
my aunt who has been cancer free for 5 years has been rediagnosed again just recenlty and again i see how worried my mum n dad and her family are. i have avoided seeing her because i dont want to go in and cry and not be strong but i know i cannot. i feel like a coward. my other aunt has been told that she has asbestosis and may only have 5 years to live. i dont know what to say to anyone and because of how i am feeling i just hide away from them all. not deeling is easier.
in between all that work has been very quiet. i work in retail. it doesnt matter what you do it doesnt get any busier. i know this is just retail at the moment but i suppose i have been worrying how much quieter can it get. my company is doing well but my branch isnt. my boss is very supportive and has told me that i do a great job but it is just the way of the high street. i know i pressurise myself here. there have been a few disagreements between staff over the last 2 months and a couple of other issues here which have just added to how i feel. i could go to work before and just work so hard that i didnt thinks about anything else or how i felt but havent been able to do that either. i feel like such a failure at the moment. like im letting loads of people down.
i cannot concentrate on anything for very long at all at the moment and wonder when i will fell better about myself. i hope i havent babbled to much. i needed to get this all out. i find it hard to admit to how i feel and how much stuff is dragging me down and i cannot let go of some of it.
