Does anyone understand!

[caring angel]

Hi Everyone,
It's taken some nerve to be able to write this post because i'm not the best person to open up with my feelings.  It's hard to know where to start but i'll give it a try.  
I think i've suffered depression the majority of my life but I only got diagnosed with it when I had my first child 26 years ago.  I had a traumatic childhood and I can only put it down this factor and my sister also suffers from depression. I have struggled all my life fighting the demons in my head and i've been emotionaly up and down like a yo-yo.  Despite the traumas and upheaval in my life I've still managed to achieve things in life.  I work as a nurse in a busy hospital now in the theatres and it is a very competative and challenging environment to work in.  Also during the last couple of years there has been so much happen in my life that I think everything has built up and come to a head.  I had reached a point a few weeks ago that I felt I had to go and see a doctor because I can only describe myself as spiraling down and down with a dark cloud hanging over me and everything seemed dark.  The doctor gave me sertraline and I don't seem to be dwelling on things and worrying about things as much and my mind seems to be having a rest at last.  The problems are still going on in the back ground with work, but I think since i've taken the meds i've noticed a vast improvement in the way I cope.  I'm taking one step at a time but the problems I think will always be there, but i'm going to have to find a way of dealing with them.
I haven't told anyone at work what I'm going through because believe it or not some nurses aren't the most sympathetic of persons to talk about mental health.  I get so annoyed at some nurses when their patient has an illness and they have no sympathy for these people refering to them as nut cases or fruit cake.  I can't believe the stigma still exists in this day and age with all the awareness available.  But I feel proud that I will never see a patient in the same light and I will always have an empathy for a patient going through what i'm going through.
Sorry i've gone on a bit but i'm so glad i've wrote this down and got it off my chest. Anyway it's lovely to join a forum where there is so much support and advice available and it would also be nice for me to give some advice to people who are going through a bad time.

[Zaf]

Hi jackie and welcome

I'm not surprised you suffer from depression, you've been through a lot over the years and have used so much strength to get through,  eventually our bodies simply say enough is enough and we get depressed, it sounds like you've got a pretty good idea how to combat the illness and I'm sure some of your insights will be of huge help to others :)

xx

[Lol]

Hi nurse Jackie. You have been through an awful lot and done so very well coming out the other side of it. You have behind you, although not of your own creation, some very challenging aftermath. You are at the moment in a safe place with a loving husband and have a handle on your depression and what to look out for hence you have got yourself back to the Dr quick smart before things got too bad and are now responding to treatment - this is excellent. Your future therefore looks brighter than anything has so far. Well done for creating this horizon with your choices and courage.

Please feel free to let more out if you want to. That was an excellent first post for someone who is not used to opening up with their feelings! We will listen and help as much as we can.

Take Care Lol

[caring angel]

Hello Zaf, Thank you for the reply.  Because of the nature of my job and the stigma attached to the illness that other nurses and doctors have I carry a burden of guilt for having the illness.  I feel that I should be able to cope with everything because when I see others around me that I work with or others in general they all look like they could take on the world.  I did also feel guilty for having to take medication to keep myself well and I sort of felt a failure for not being able to cope with everything.  I no longer carry the guilt for taking medication though, because if it means they keep me from being unwell and being in the situation I was in a few weeks ago then I will continue to take the medication.  I do also have a tendancy to dwell on things a lot and worry a lot about situations.  There is still a lot that has gone on in my past that will never be fixed and it's an ongoing situation that is quite messy.  But i have to learn not to beat myself up about a situation that I have no control over because it is stressful enough dealing with my own life.  Have you been a member on the forum for long and what was your reason for joining.  Thanx again for the reply x

[caring angel]

Hello Lol, Thanx for your reply.  Your right I have done well getting through what I've got through so far and I still have to pinch myself for being here in 2011.  I still don't know how I passed my nursing exams and became a nurse and I don't know how i've held my job down to this day.  I have had to go to work everyday and deal with stressful situations and to help people fighting for there life and also deal with my own demons which are in my head everyday. 
I have started reading a lot around depression and I am going to read around current research on the illness.  It would be good to share my findings on the topic in the future with other people  as it may give them an insight into there illness.  I know that I still have a long way to go with my illness and I am taking one day at a time but it is lovely that I have found a forum with people who are going through what i'm going through and I no longer feel alone.  What was your reason for joining the forum?  Take care

[Munchroom]

Hi Nurse Jackie and welcome  :) I think the feeling that we have to stay strong because everyone else seems like they have a handle on everything and we simply cannot be a burden/let down/the one that can't cope is so true of depression.

I am also one for dwelling on things and over-thinking - I feel sometimes that if I could just pause my mind for a while then I  could get some rest and be able to tackle things with much more success.... But unfortunately, I think we have a design flaw in that respect!  

In response to your thread title - yes, I think most of us on this forum do, completely! I hope you'll find a good amount of support here and feel that you can open up. It has certainly been a lifeline for me!!

Nay xx

[caring angel]

Thanx so much for your repy Nay.  I have found that my medication has made a huge difference and I don't seem to be dwelling on repetative thoughts anymore.  My mind seemed to go over different situations like a record being stuck and I found that I was mentally exhausted.  My job is also mentally and physicaly exhausting so I have to deal with juggling with those things.  I felt tired all the time and I found it very difficult to focus on easy tasks and I would have to push myself to do things.  I am also a very sensitive person and I can't handle criticism very well.  Because of this I find it very hard to deal with other people in my profession because sometimes the heirarchy is quite bad and there aren't some very nice characters.  I always seem to struggle with feeling inferior to other people and I am always worried that I will upset someone or worry that they will not want to know me anymore. I also find it hard to get close to someone and become to friendly with anyone and I also think they also don't want to know me. I don't know wether this is part of the condition I have but sometimes I beat myself up for not being more assertive and for not saying no to someone and having my point of view without fear of upsetting someone.  I just sometimes wish I could be normal and see myself as normal like other people around me who appear to be normal. What I do seem to do is push myself into situations that I am not comfortable with though.  Instead of running away from every situation I force myself to deal with situations.  I think I have got better since I started working in the nursing profession because there is nowhere to hide in this job and you have to overcome the obstacles. Does anyone else experience what I have experienced, it would be nice to hear other peoples stories.  ::

[Munchroom]

Jackie.... That ^ describes me to a tee!

I too work in the nursing profession (elderly care) and it never fails to amaze me how many people 'unlike' me there are. I think there are people that care and then there are people that do care...

xx

[caring angel]

Nay, it is such a relief to hear that I am not the only nurse with depression.  I honestly thought I was the only nurse out there with the illness.  I wonder wether there are many nurses with the illness.  I have learnt to put this false facade on and this shield up around me.  Not many people ever see the true me and I have never revealed to anyone who the true me is.  I would feel too vulnerable to let anyone know the true me.  I sometimes can't understand why some nurses are nurses because a lot of them, although not all of them aren't really caring considering they are in a caring profession.  I wonder why they feel the need to be like that?  It's also not only nurses but also doctors and surgeons who can have a cold attitude towards mental health.  I truly believe that there should be more training in this field of medicine to highten the understanding of this illness and then these people may not be so judgemental.  Do you find it a struggle everyday having to face things in the profession you are in and how do you deal with things when you are having a bad day?

[Munchroom]

I am very fortunate with my work. I live in a small village and when I moved here I got a job in a care home - had never done eldery care before in my life (had done childcare) But I worked there for three years, did a lot of training and by the time I left in 2007 aged 22, I was one of the most qualified and capable carers there (without sounding too up my own backside!) But I had put the effort in and I really did care. Anyway, I left - I had to go back to my family in Cheltenham because my dad wasn't very well and I spent the summer working up there and then when I came home, I stuck with office jobs until last year when I had my breakdown. I have recently started working back in the care home in the village as 'bank staff' and its hard - its frustrating because I am not the same person and I do not have the confidence I did when I worked there before. I do one night a week (10 hours) and that is all I can cope with at the moment. The people that co-run it are the same people that were there before and they know me and know that one day I will probably be back full time and as I was... but for now they are happy just having me there when I feel able - if I have a bad week, they understand that I simply cannot face work. I do nights because they are (slightly) less stessful than days - I can't yet cope with all the different people that a day shift brings!

There must be hundreds if not thousands of nurses out there who are battling with this... the job is steessful, it is draining both emotionally and physically and every-day you work with women (not all) who can be more career-minded than caring and it is a huge strain!!

There should definitely be more support and education out there. Its a horrible enough illness without the added stress of people who simply just don't understand - either through lack of education or sheer ignorance.

[Zaf]

Hello Zaf, Thank you for the reply.  Because of the nature of my job and the stigma attached to the illness that other nurses and doctors have I carry a burden of guilt for having the illness.  I feel that I should be able to cope with everything because when I see others around me that I work with or others in general they all look like they could take on the world.  I did also feel guilty for having to take medication to keep myself well and I sort of felt a failure for not being able to cope with everything.  I no longer carry the guilt for taking medication though, because if it means they keep me from being unwell and being in the situation I was in a few weeks ago then I will continue to take the medication.  I do also have a tendancy to dwell on things a lot and worry a lot about situations.  There is still a lot going on with my family that will never be fixed and it's an ongoing situation that is quite messy.  But i have to learn not to beat myself up about a situation that I have no control over because it is stressful enough dealing with my own life.  Have you been a member on the forum for long and what was your reason for joining.  Thanx again for the reply x

Your feelings are very common jackie, I think you'll find most of us feel that we should be able to cope with what life throws at us and feel guilty that we cant.  I've been depressed on and off since I had a complete breakdown in tne early 90's, I'm sure the loss of a friend/colleague from suicide and severe pressure over a very long period was the cause; stress and/or severely difficult life situations will bring on another episode, for instance coping with my terminally ill father and his death or when a friend and her mother were horribly murdered in their own house.

I had another mini breakdown in July and found this place, it was and still is a godsend to me, its a safe place to say how we feel to people that dont judge and that understand how we feel coping with this illness, on good days we help others and on bad days others help us.

xx

[Lol]

I think again (you wonder woman) Munchroom has diagnosed it with the career/carer debate. if you are career:career - you are unlikely to be as capable of empathy. Sympathy may even be a little out of reach. If you are carer:carer you will get too hung up on your patients and be over affected by the things you see. Only career/carer has any chance at striking the balance. But the patient aways needs carer:carer. How frustrating. I find this too.

[caring angel]

Nay you come across as a very caring nurse and you have a quality you should be proud of.  I wish you success in your recovery, you will get there with time.  It sounds like you have a great deal of support from your employer, I wish I could experience the same sort of support.  My manager doesn't hold a lot of sympathy for anyone who is ill let alone someone with depression. I haven't told my manager about my illness and some of my work colleagues tend to speak ill of anyone who is off sick so I wouldn't expect any support them.  As far as my work environment is concerned it's a very lonely existence juggling my depression and my career as I have to keep my secret to myself.  I know I am not alone in the way I feel and there will be millions of people out there going through the same thing, living with the secret of depression.  As if it is not hard enough for sufferers who go through the balancing act of dealing with there depression as well as having to deal with people with a blinkered view.  But you have to take pride in yourself because you know you aren't like those people and I wouldn't want to be like them either.

[caring angel]

Zaf, it sounds like you have gone through a terrible time lately and I hope things get a whole lot better for you soon.  It's true that certain life thevents can trigger the onset of depression and it can be sometimes years later that you are effected.  You have had to deal with a number of major events happening in your life so it would be impossible for anybody to deal with or to understand what you have been through.  You sound like you are a strong person to overcome the difficulties you have had, you just need to take each day as it comes and do things in your own time.  I think the trigger for me was what happened to me last year.  I changed job working in a hospital close to my home and I went through a terrible time because there were a lot of bullies at work that I worked with.  I found this transition hard to deal with and I hadn't been working in the hospital long when I got ran over by a car on the way to work.  I seemed to loose a lot of my confidence after that and although they weren't the only events that I had to deal with in my life I think this was the catalyst for things to spiral out of control.  There is only so much we can deal with and I sometimes think we place to many expectations on ourself and put ourselves under to much pressure.

[caring angel]

Thanx again Lol for your kind words,  the reference you make to career/carer is so true and if you are a carer/carer sort like myself you do tend to be the type of person who will always try to save everybody.  I set unrealistic expectations and goals which I know I cannot reach because I end up burning myself out.  I have begun to realise that I can not help everyone but I will try to do what I can to help someone to the best of my ability but I also have realised that I have my limitations to what I can do. I am pleased that I have found a forum where people don't judge you and they accept you for who you are thanx for reading my posts.   ^&^