Just wanted to say hello

[keefe]

I can't carry on feeling like I do , so I have decided to try to do something about it.
I don't do doctors , so that is not an option ( sent by a doctor about 6 years ago to try CBT and that was no good for me )
Not one for talking to strangers I'm afraid.

I am a normal bloke in most respects.
I have a job , kids , wife ( although my marriage is falling apart as we speak ) , mortgage , all the usual things.

The reason I have got to try to do something is that things have moved on a bit and not in a good way.
Started to think that the world would be a better place without me in it.
I realise that a 'normal' person does'nt have these thoughts.
Don't get me wrong , I am not talking about doing myself in , too much of a coward for that , but whereas once I used to dream of winning the lottery and what I would do if I did win , now I wish for other things.

Sorry I had to take a few minutes break there because what I am about to type on my keyboard is quite disturbing and I have had to build myself up to it.

I now dream that I have a terminal illness and that would mean all my problems would come to an end and I would be completely blamefree in that.
Or another one is if I was to get wiped out on the motorway by a lorry as I drive along ( I drive a lot for my job ).

Now as I sit here reading what I have typed I realise even more that I need help.
First time I have seen that 'in black and white' so to speak and I have goosebumps.

Thanks for listening.....

[Ezel]

 ^&*  and yes you are normal as you accept how you feel which is a good start.  Sometimes it does help reaching others who do understand how you feel.  I don't know what I would have done if it hadn't been for online friends and a hubby who understands because he suffers with depression as well,

[keefe]

Well Christmas is almost here and I can't wait for it to be over.
I am putting on a MASSIVE front for the sake of my kids but it has been hard I can tell you.

The only thing that I can think about is the New Year , because I have made the decision to leave home.
The way I am has affected/is affecting everyone in the house and the only way for it not to effect them in the future is if I am not here.
I have nowhere to go , the money I earn I will continue to give to my wife to run the house , so I have no money to rent my own place , I will probably end up on my parents doorstep looking for a bed.
This is not something that I want to do either as I don't want to bring my troubles under their roof if I can help it.

I contemplated living in my work van ( not telling anyone I was thinking of doing this of course ) but the recent weather has put me off that idea.

Life is very hard at the moment.

[keefe]

I can't believe how 'sad' ( that word does'nt seem enough , but I can't think of another word for it ) I am feeling right at this moment.
It is less than 2 hours till the New Year and I am DREADING it.
I have made my decision about what needs to be done , but now I just have to find the courage from somewhere to actually do it.
I am making my wife and 2 kids unhappy and that will NOT carry on into 2010.
They are the most important people in my life , I love them with all my heart and they deserve to be happy , but I know that I must leave them otherwise how will they ever be happy.
All day at work I have been wishing people a Happy New Year and them me........................what a joke , my life is such a mess !!!!!

[pinkcoconut]

Have you left them?

No matter how sad you're feeling, leaving them may well make them more sad. Any kind of father is better than an absent father. Don't run away from your problems. Ask your wife to help you.

You will get through this, and one day you will look back and see this as a tough time that you have survived. You can do it! Good luck!

[smq]

i wonder if he has left too.. i feel that his wife and two kids surely still love him? i think he has already left, otherwise he'd be updating here. there has to be some kind of support he can find out there, hopefully.

[keefe]

I have'nt been on here for a while , but not doing anything this evening so here I am.
As I sit here tonight I am still at home , but not for much longer.

My kids have gone away for the weekend and tomorrow my wife and I are going to sit down and discuss what happens next.

Without her actually saying the words I know that my wife does'nt love me anymore , which is hard to get my head around as we have been together for 22 years and I love her as much today as the first time I saw her.

But things are very different now , I'm very different now and I know that I am not an easy person to be around , so I cannot blame her for how she feels.

In the next week or so my life is going to change so much I cannot take it in.
I am going to be leaving my home and everyone in it and will have to start my life again.
How am I going to do this ?

The only constant in all of this is that I have been able to continue working.
I have had to , for financial reasons obviously , but also as the only reason for getting out of bed in the morning , but even this is getting harder to do at the moment.

As I was working today I heard a song called 'No Air' and the lyrics in it apply to me so much at the moment it is frightening.
I had to pull over and stop driving because I was crying uncontrollably.................I felt such a fool afterwards.

Nothing else to say really except that I probably feel worse tonight than I have ever felt , something that I did'nt think was possible.
Wish me luck ladies/gents because I think I am going to need it.

[tabitha]

i don't know what to say,i wish i had the answer but i am listening to you, i understand a lot of what you are feeling,, have you spoke to a councilor (i can't spell)
i'm on a waiting list to talk to someone, the doctor has bumped me up the list and put me on prozac.