psychotic depression?

[violetsky]

Hello, I'm new and my name's Violet. I'd appreciate help, maybe from other's experiences?

For the past month I have been getting depressive and paranoid symptoms. I am reluctant to say I am delusional, because I'm no expert, and was wondering what you thought.

A bug flew into my mouth and since then I'm convinced it's living in my throat. I'm too scared to tell my GP, as I know it sounds stupid. Every now and again I freak out and start panicking, thinking about it embedded there and how it will soon release something dangerous. I can sometimes feel it.
Also, when I started college, one of the students was overly friendly with me, and he acted like he knew things about me. He had this look in his eyes, and I was certain that he was sent as a spy from the council to get information about me and exploit me.
I recently told my flatmate I felt suicidal, and he seemed concerned but went out with his friends. I knew it was because he wanted me to die really. It made so much sense, but when I confronted him he denied it. I wasn't convinced.
After that I was put on section 136, and when I had an assessment there was a nurse standing outside looking at me so strangely. I started freaking out and thought that something awful was happening and he was really some sort of law official. There was this look in his eyes like he wasn't who he said he was and he was out to get me.

I feel like I'm being watched a lot. Often feel confused and on edge. I'm very suspicious of people. I do not trust anyone. I am severely depressed, can't look after myself, and have even made plans to end my life (I don't wan't your sympathy or hate, just advice). I always feel like I've done something wrong, and a lot of the time like something terrible is about to happen, or I've done something bad which I can't remember (I am not dissociative & have no hallucinations).

I know how stupid this all sounds, and that it seems preposterous, and I have not told anyone about my paranoid thinking as I'm too worried about what they might think. The depression and paranoia have seem to come on together in the past month when I started college, although I've been severely anxious with depressive bouts for years. I am also diagnosed emotionally unstable personality disorder.

If anyone answers this, I know you might say to see a professional, and I actually am tomorrow, I really just wanted to know if anyone has any opinions about this (I'm not asking for you to diagnose me). I just want to make sense of it all, and it might help me to open up tomorrow to the psychologist.

[Zaf]

Hi Violet, welcome.

Apart from getting agorophobia when I am severely depressed the only thing I can really relate to is the suspicion of other people and thinking everyone is looking at me and judging me, thinking bad things about me.  I think thats a fairly usual thing in depression.

I'm sure some of the others will be able to help more than I can,  you'll get lots of support here as we all are dealing with depression etc in one form or another

[cornish]

Hey n welcome

That sounds so familiar to me, I've never really gone into much detail on here about it but I have depersonalisation and clinical psychosis,  I get the same thing with bugs but in my ear and feel the same way about people, I'm sorry but I don't really know what I can say to try and help because I'm only just starting to open up to my psychologist and have only mentioned the paranoia in 2 of my assessment with the mental health team and then stopped talking about it due to paranoia .  Just wish I could help.   Do you get voices or hear or feel anything else?

Thanks for posting this, it's given me a bit of courage to open up about another of my many illnesses

[Lol]

Hi Violet sky. It is important to realise you are not alone. Other people experience the same symtoms, you don't need to worry that it is just you. It would be very distressing to continue to live with these feelings and you are doing the right thing in seeing a specialist. My advice is to open up as much as you can to your specialist and heed their advice as fully as you are able. In between, it might help to get out how you are feeling here, annonymously and to people who simply will not judge you. We are here if you would like to do that.

[Depina]

Welcome Violet
I feel like Zaf, that people are judging me and feeling like I am different than everyone else, and I am the only one with strange feelings. Other people seem so 'NORMAL' whatever that is? 
Sure it will help you to chat on here.
Love D XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[violetsky]

Thanks to each of you who replied. Cornish, I'm glad that my post has helped you, I never imagined my issues would be of some good! I'm shocked at the overall warm and welcoming response. I usually assume the worst.

I saw a doctor today, and she did not shed light on my paranoia, but is referring me to the CMHT. I also received a call from a GP, who wants to see me in a couple of hours. I am quite overwrought about seeing him. 

Thank you again for the support x

[Depina]

Hi Violetsky - what a lovely name
Yes it is good to get our feelings out I think, and not feel judged.
Lovely that you can help others too.
Hope you got on well seeing the doctor today
Love D XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Zaf]

Good luck with the doc xx

[Pete]

There are parts of how i am that i have not as yet touched on here either but suffice to say you are not alone. God sorry that sounds a bit ominous but i only mean some of us share your symptoms.

[danbob]

Hi violet, welcome!! im new here too :)

I completely understand where you are coming from, i have had this exact same problem myself.... to cut a very long story short....  i told my doctors at the mental health trust and i have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, i have been receiving CBT for the past 2 years and its been a massive help.

depression and anxiety run side by side and its actually rare to get one without some form of the other, you should discuss this with your GP and you will find there is so much support and help they can offer you.