Too much too soon,

[Karian]

Today I had to go and get my new baby niece a present (she was born on Wednesday)
Ian drove to the retail park, Asda was mobbed and knew I couldnt cope with that so said to go to matalan
he dropped me and my oldest off while he went to find a place to park the car.
Walked in and kept my head up looking over the top of people so I didnt start to panic,
Got Jordan, my eldest son to talk to me about his homework and football training (anything to keep me
distracted) got to the baby section and picked up a few outfits and went to pay for them, Ian and my youngest had
came in by then, we walked to the checkout and it had a massive queue started counting in my head to control my breathing and
not to take a full blown attack. Half way down the queue the panic set in and I was totally taken over, Ian gave me the car keys and told Jordan to walk me to the car, but
to get to the car I would need to walk by the queue and would make me worse so I crouched down and kept counting with my eyes closed and trying to visualize my meditation
technique which rectified my breathing short term but I was so shaky and unstable. Ian then went to go bring the car round (so I could immediately feel secure once I had paid)
Paid the girl at the checkout and Jordan put the money in my purse, the girl asked if I was okay, must have looked like crap and breathing like I had run a million miles.
Jordan spoke to her and explained I take panic attacks but I would be fine. He took the shopping and walked me out to the car.
Ian drove out of the car park and down to a quiet street to let me compose myself and recover before I went to my brother and sister in laws to see my baby niece.
I done it but not without its costs, told Ian never am I doing that again, my brother and sister in law were furious and said I should have just came to see her and either put some money in a card and they would have bought her something or ordered it online and bring it down once they arrived instead of pushing myself
I was silly in pushing it too far, but I knew Ian would have picked the wrong stuff or wrong sizes, so knew I couldnt leave it to him.

Been a shaking wreak since this afternoon, came home at teatime and went to bed to try and relax but I am still on edge

Feel as if I am never going to be able to do normal things ever again (yip irrational I know, but just how I feel)
On the plus side the clothes I got her were just adorable and my sister in law loved them xx

[Zaf]

You're right Karen, you tried to do too much too soon, its extremely important to start with something really easy and build up rather than throw yourself in at the deep end, please believe me you will get there, but it will take time and patience, you have lots of support from your wonderful family but you need to start with something that only makes you feel slightly uncomfortable (for me that was standing on my back door step for a few minutes) and only gradually build up to more challenging things (my second step was to take one item of washing off the line - about 3 yards from our back door), it can be a painfully slow progress and sometimes you'll have set backs but I honestly feel its better than going through what you did in matalan and possibly making things a lot worse in the long run

Huge hugs xx

[Munchroom]

Karen - Yes, you did do too much too soon. I made the same mistake with Tescos  BUT... I will say one thing that is very very important. Not now and not at a busy time... but you need to go back to Matalan. (That sounds awful, I know!) Perhaps on a sunday morning when they have just opened, or midweek when they are about to close.... at a time when you know it will be really quiet. Otherwise, your mind will just recall that awful, overwhelming fear everytime the thought of going to Matalan comes into your head.

I have had a few really really scary moments in Tescos. The first time, I had a huge panic attack and had to leave. When I made myself go back... I had an anxiety attack the whole way round - my fingers were so tingly when I left, I wasn't sure how I was still standing! The third time, I was anxious... but I did it!! I couldn't think straight, had to keep backtracking because I had forgotten things... But I treated myself to a nice top and my parents (who were with me, but I asked them to go and have a coffee, so I could take it all in my own time and not worry about my mum doing the mum thing of 'do you really need that?'  ) they were so proud of me. I was exhausted afterwards though and it took everything I had not to run out of there! BUT Tescos is ok now! I wouldn't nesicarily go there by choice, but I don't get an anxiety attack just thinking of it anymore.

You did do it though - and the fact that you used coping mechanisms and got to the till without having a panic attack is something to be proud of  You sound like you have a very supportive family xxx

[Karian]

Thank you both,
I just felt I needed to do it yesterday, Ian would have tried his best but it wouldnt have been right
and I would have been annoyed with him which would have been unfair.

I did breakdown when I got to the car but I managed, I will try it again maybe near halloween when I need to get costume for my little one.
but as you said a Sunday morning, think it was a mixture of things yesterday as the weather was dreadful plus the monthly payers would have got paid the night before
so cash in their pocket and a wet day everyone went shopping bad mix.

I know I pushed it but felt I had no option which I know is not true but just how I felt.

Went to my mums today and all the family was there, my parents, sister and her daughter, my brother, my sister in law, and their son and daughter, and me and our two boys.
Ian was working, was lovely to get a nice wee day to chill out and relax, I got extra cuddles from my baby niece who is just angelic.

I have a wonderful family and am very blessed, when I was first diagnosed my parents were very naive and ignorant to depression and how it makes you feel, but through time and my sister also being diagnosed they have had their eyes opened a lot and are now very supportive, although because my sister plays on her bad days and I keep them to myself, they mother her a lot more and tip toe around her, which drives me mental. I may be depressed but at the end of the day I will still do what needs done for my kids.
Ian and my oldest son Jordan are amazing and very intuitive when I am not good, even my little one Jayden he is 5 but he knows mummy is not well and gives me lots of cuddles and wants to chill out with me :) I used to feel guilty that they had to cope with me being ill but in the flip side of that my sons are very aware of mental health and not judge anyone for it, so in a strange way I am glad my illness has had one positive aspect in their life. xx

[Depina]

Hi Karian
Ah Bless him, children are so loving and as you say he will be an understanding little boy, he sounds lovely and I congratulate you on that, also you were so brave to do that shopping feeling as you did, and you got a lovely gift for your neice. Your family sound loving which makes such a difference.

WELL DONE !! :)
D XX

[Karian]

Thanks Depina
Yeah I am blessed with my family, Dont know how much I can take credit for how they have turned out lol, think most of it was just winging our way through the only way we knew how.
But I am proud of both my boys :) xx

Yeah that was the one positive the outfits I got for her were simply gorgeous x :)