I suffer from chroni fatigue and as anyone who suffers from it can tell you it is quite simply a nightmare.
In May I travelled up to Scotland to see my best mate (I live fairly near to Liverpool so it's quite a drive) It was the first time I'd seen her in a while. I find driving difficult and painful at the best of times - the chronic fatigue just makes it so much worse. I had to allow myself an additional 4 hours because I knew that I would need to pull off the motorway and have a sleep. I know from experience that I get so tired that I am literally seeing double. Probably not the best idea when you're driving at speed.
Anyway, it was the first time I'd seen my best mate in a while - about 8 months and we were both looking forward to the visit. Unfortunately, when I was there I was particularly badly affected by the chronic fatigue, and spent most of my time there asleep.
Considering we were both looking forward to the visit so much and had built up so much anticipation it was a really bad time to be so affected by the fatigue. Not something I could help though.
My best mate fell out with me big time because I spent most of my time asleep. She suffers from depression herself, and was trying hard to be upbeat and positive and all I could do was sleep. In a way, I can understand why she was so upset; but at the same time I can't help but think that she has blown it out of all proportion.
As we hadn't spoken since I have been back home (back end of May) I decided to write her a letter. I'd tried phoning her on several occasions but the only time she ever replied was when I'd withheld my number. You're probably thinking that I shoud have taken the hint and given up but she was my best mate. She was the one person I trusted totally. I trusted her with my heart and my soul and I didn't want to just give up without a fight.
So, I wrote her a long letter. I told her how much I hated not being able to talk to her. I told her how the fact that she was no longer in my life was tearing me apart. I also explained the chronic fatigue and how it made me feel. I have apologised to her until I'm blue in the face! I told her that there wer so many things I wanted to tell her - previously I told her everything and she tld me everything. We were each others back up. ecause of how things were thogh, I haven't been able to tell her anything. I hven't been able to tell he how low I am at the moment, that I'm self harming again, that every night I take additional tblets on top of my prescribed dose in the hope that I just won't wake up again. I haven't even been able to tell her about the disasterous date and how badly it had knocked me and knocked my already fragile eslf esteem. In the past I could talk these thgins though with her and she would help me rationalise things.
In my letter to her, I laid my heart on the line and told her how it was tearing me apart not having her in my life, and how much I hated mself for the fact that it's me tht caused this rift between us.
I really laid my heart out for her to see. I know she will have received the letter becauseit was sent 1st class recorded 2 weeks ago. I've had nothing from her though. She's not even acknowledged the fact that she's got the letter and I just feel so betrayed by her. I know it was my fult initially, but I've pologised again and again. I've expained the chronic fatigue and how it makes me feel and it's quite simply a case of I HAVE to sleep. I just feel so let down. Shw was the one peson I had who was always on my side. She was the on person I had who I trusted totally and I had thought that it was the same with her. But, even after laying my hert out for her to see I get nothing in return
I thougt that the friendship we had was worth fighting for, but clearly she doesn't. It's that fact that is hurting more than anything. It makes me feel that our whole friendship was a lie because she isn't the person that I thought she was. I know it's my fault but there is only so many times that I can apologise. I can't turn the clock back and change things though I would if I could. It's all made me realise how pointless I am. It has made me add a few more tablets The fact is, if I weren 't here, nobody would really care. Why can't I just go to sleep and not wake up? It seems to me that that would be thbest solution for all concerned. But no matter how mny additional tablets take I keep waking up.
I just feel to betrayed and let down by her. She was the one person I thought I would always be able to rely on. The one person I thought accepted me for who I am. The one person I thought really cared about me, and who wouldn't let a seemingly small thing destroy a friendship. It just seems that I couldn't have been more wrong. Even after giving her my trust and I allowed her access to my eart, to my innermost feelings and thoughts. I thought t was reciprocated. She always said it was. I trusted her so totally and shes just dropped me.
Am I wrong to feel so hurt and let down?
