Sorry everyone, I seem to be posting just about everywhere on this site; it's just that this is the only place that I have to 'vent' my dad tells me to talk to him, and I do to a certain extent, but I can only get so far and I clam up. I just don't feel able to physically share my inner most feelings and frustrations. Its only virtually here that I feel able to do that. Perhaps because there are others who are suffering in a similar fashion, and therefore understand, perhaps it's because I don't feel that I will be judged.
I hate talking about my health problems partly because there seem to be so many of them - and a lot of them can lead to depression I just sometimes feel that people must think I'm a hypochondriac. In truth, this couldn't be further from the truth, I was the kind of person who went into work unless I was really ill. I never took a 'duvet day' in my life. I'm a grafter, always have been. I hate the fact that I'm not able to work now.
I have clinical depression, that much is obvious. I also have complex PTSD (from things that happened in my childhood) I have a borderline personality disorder, chronic and severe osteo arthritis, fibromyalgia and CFS.
For people to understand that the physical health problems contribute to the mental health problems I don't know, I think it's only something you can understand if you are suffering in a similar way.
I know my step mother thinks that I'm a hypochondriac. I have to walk using crutches, and even then can only walk for short distances before I need to stop because of the pain. Yet my step mother comes out with remarks such as "I'm sure if you didn't use your crutches you would feel less disabled"
well, yes, its possible that I would. The reality though is that this would cause so much additional extra pain that I would more than likely feel more disabled. I get so frustrated that I can only walk for short distances, and that when I'm doing anythin that involves physical exertion, I have to take a break every 10 minutes or so.
In my past life, I was fit, able and healthy, I used to work in two pubs, working full time hours in both. In fact in one of the pubs, I had 2 jobs. Working part time hours as a cleaner, and full time hours behind the bar. Basically my working day would start at 8am when I''d start cleaning. This was until 11. At 11 Id start working behind the bar and would work through until 6pm. At 6 the manager of the other pub would come and pick me up and I'd work from 6 until 2am in the other pub. So, it was a long working week. But on the days thatI was working day shift and wasn't needed in the second pub, I'd run home. ^&* This was either 2 miles or 6 miles., I used to love extreme sports, and was really into rock climbing and abseiling.Don't get my wrong, I wasn't a naturalloy sporty person. Just the opposite in fact. I was rubbish at sports! At school :I'd always get an A for effort and an E for acheivment!!
Although I wasn't good at sports though, I was good at the things that you didn't do in school - rock climbing, canoeing. Well, you get the gist!
Now though, and I'm in the position that I can only walk for about 15-20 metres with crutches before I need to rest because of the pain. I just get so frustrated with myself. I feel that I OUGHT to be able to do these things. Im still only young (34) I ought to be able to go canoeing, rock climbing, abseiling, all of the things I used to enjoy. I ought to be able to go out clubbing and not need to go home after 2 hours because of pain and fatigue. I hate that I can't do these things. I hate thatI I have totake a handful (literally) of tablets every night, just to get through the following dqy. And now that I've been diagnosed with CFS, I just seem to spend my ime needing to sleep. My ambition used to be to do a wing walk - it's still sometihng I'd love to do, but more than that - my ambition now, is to be able to buy, and wear a pair of heeled womens shoes!! Because I have arthritis in both feet, I have to wear supportive shoes and have to have special insoles in my shoes. This basically means that the only shoes I can get to fit (yeah, ok I have big feet!!) are mens.
I'm sorry. I've totally lost the gist of what I was saying and why. It comes down to the fact though that to have pople on here who understand and who don't judge. Who don't make me feel like they think I'm a hypochondriac it means so much. I've lost my best mate due to the CFS. My neighbour although she is great really doesn't understand depression. She thinks it's just normal feeling down, that it's something you can get over in a matter of weeks I had to explain to her that Ive been suffering from it for the past 11 years. Sorry, I've lost my train of thought again. I've had no sleep. I'm in pain at the moment. It's been raining all night, and it does nothing for arthritis. Anyway. To have something - somewhere where I can vent - talk to people who are in a similar boat, who undetstand, well. It means so much. I don't feel quite so alone. So - thankyou to everyone. (sorry for any spelling errors, I can't actually see what I'm typing because the text box jumps as I type!!)
