Hi, I'm new to this forum. I find it quite difficult to talk about how I feel to my friends or family so I decided to talk to people with more of an understanding.
I'm a 23 year old woman. On the surface I seem pretty normal and functioning. I'm successful, I have a job, I have my own place, I went to uni and all that stuff everybody expects you to do these days. I've had a pretty normal upbringing, reasonably privileged with supportive parents and no bullying. The only thing I KNOW is wrong with me is some issues with anxiety (my doctor told me I had 'generalised anxiety'). I haven't felt able to tell my doctor that I think I might have some other problem though.
I've always had issues with becoming irrationally nervous or anxious but I have come a long way since I was young by forcing myself to do things that scare me. The thing I can't seem to overcome, however, is the loneliness and sadness. I often feel worthless and inferior, and I find myself wishing I was somebody else. I have trouble getting close to people, I don't know if this is my own doing or whether it's something to do with how people perceive me and that they just aren't interested in me. I love my friends and I admire most people I meet quite a bit, but for some reason I don't often make it past being an acquaintance. I act pretty happy and smiley almost all of the time whether I'm happy or not because I find it easier to cope that way. I feel very isolated and alienated because of this as I know that deep down I don't really mean very much to them as a friend (which I don't blame them for). I would love to have more close friends who enjoy my company but most people seem indifferent to me and I don't want to bother them by trying to get closer.
Another big source of sadness for me is that I've never been in a relationship. I have been asked out and hit on by guys plenty of times but as soon as they get too close, even if I like them, I find some excuse to sabotage it and totally lose any chance I may have had. The thought of being that close to somebody is both something I desperately want and something I'm utterly terrified of. It feels pathetic to be my age and still a single virgin... I'm scared it's going to be this way forever. It makes it even harder because I would be frightened to admit to any potential partner irl that things are this way.
It's hard for me to know what to think because my mood is all over the place. I can go from crying my eyes out and feeling so empty to feeling perfectly content in the course of a day. It's so unpredictable and when I feel fine I tend to dismiss the episodes of extreme sadness as a normal part of the human condition. When I feel sad it feels like my life is over (note: I've never had suicidal thoughts). It's like a frustration that's trapped inside and builds up to a breaking point... I don't really know why but last time it happened I actually cut myself a few times with a craft knife and it felt like it relieved the pressure and distracted me. I felt really stupid for doing it afterwards and hid it until it healed.
I feel selfish and stupid for feeling this way as I've achieved a lot in my life and have had luck on my side. So many other people in far less fortunate positions than myself are able to take a view on things and still be happy. I also can't tell my parents because I know how sad they'd be if they knew I felt like crap so often. It would devastate them and I don't want to do that to them.
It scares me to admit that depression may be the case because I feel like I'd be resigning myself to it. It sounds like such a terrifying sentence to have to live with and I have seen what it can do to people first hand (a close friend of mine has BDP). Is my sadness a result of purely practical reasons or is the sadness the cause of my relationship and confidence problems?
Wow, this turned into a bit of an essay. Any advice?
