Why does nothing ever go right?

[nanosizedrainbow]

Thanks guys, I think you are right. I am just worried that if I don't stop pushing myself I will just give up completely and not be able to get back into it. I think the hardest part is getting other people to understand that I'm not just being lazy, my body just can't work as fast and efficiently as everyone else around me even though I look the same as them and most of the time, appear to function the same. 

[Munchroom]

I always have that paranoid fear of appearing 'lazy' - which the logical part of my mind knows is ridiculous! Your body can't work as fast or efficiently at the moment, no... but that is because you are struggling with one of the hardest and most mis-understood illnesses around!

I got to the point where I had to give up work... I just was not functioning. Not eating, not sleeping, going through the days in a blur! Being constantly paranoid and on the edge of tears. I worried that we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage, wouldn't be able to afford to eat, what if something happened with the car? What if there was an expensive vets bill? Would I not be more dangerous to myself if I was at home on my own all day? I was a 25 year old woman, surely I should be working! So I pushed myself and pushed myself and in the end my body decided for me - I gave up work last August and I have slowly been picking myself back up ever since! I'm now doing bank work in a care home, which is much more up my street - but where I was dreading going to work every day because I know I could not cope - now, its manageable and I want to get to that point where I am able to work more than 10 hours a week and still feel 'ok'. We coped with the mortgage, we coped with food - yeah, we've had to be a little bit strict on some things, but its manageable - and I'm still here!! If I carried on as I was then I doubt very much that I would be in all honesty.

Theres a lot more about all that ^ in my post in the journals forum. But if there was one thing I could change, it would be to stop and let my mind and body recover sooner. If I had... then I might have been back to my 'normal' self months ago!!

[Zaf]

I'm exactly the same, even though I know the only way to recover is to take on less and rest I still feel horribly guilty when I'm not doing something productive,  this time I have been much more strict with myself but still those feelings of guilt persecute me

[Depina]

Yes Munch a lot so familiar to me
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[danbob]

Sorry, this may be a bit of a 'woe is me' post, I apologise in advance if it is.
My question is though why does nothing in my life ever work out the way it does in everyone else's lives? These are the things I class to be 'wrong' in my life:
1. I have depression, everyone can cope with life but I end up taking it to the extreme with depression.
2. I had to leave my job after being bullied by my boss. I was a teacher, something I've wanted to do for so many years but after 3 years of being bullied, blamed and put down I had to leave. I am now starting my own business but that is obviously tricky to get going at the moment.
3. I live with my loving fiance, this should be a positive but our relationship isn't right. I'm not 'in love' with him but I don't know what to do as he's such a kind person and looks after me.
4. I am 'in love' with someone else. I'm not in a relationship with them but they feel the same but we're both 'trapped' in our relationships. We would neve do anything to hurt the other people we're with but know we have a spark and a vibrancy that we just don't have with our other halves, we always say that we just met each other too late.
5. I just failed my driving test despite being fine at driving round and all the manouveres, on the actual test I was pulling out slowly at a blind junction (view on the left blocked by a big van) and then a car came speeding down there, right out in front of me. So I can't even do the basic thing that every other human being can do and drive.

So yes. I don't know what to do. Well I do. I just feel like giving up, however many times I say don't cry over split milk it doesn't help. I just suck at life generally.

So sorry. I hope someone reads this and can help because I just feel so void and I don't know how I'm gonna get through the afternoon on my own without doing something silly.

Rhi xxx

its times like this that you need to reflect on as your getting better.

whenever i cyclin into my depressive phase i always think of the times i was at my lowest to give me perspective, it helps me to have that comparison, i find it comforting when im really depressed knowing that i have been so much worse and im still here and fighting.

you will get all the support and advice you can wish for from the people on here, they are a great help :)

[nanosizedrainbow]

Thank you everyone, finally something went right last Monday as i passed my driving test with only one minor! Woooooo! That made me very happy and for a few short days I thought that was the key to be over my depression, suffice to say, it wasn't and today I came crashing back down. I didn't even have that bad a day but as it always is, the smallest things got to me and I got so frustrated I started self-harming again. I don't self harm in a 'big way' as it were and a lot of you on here probably think my kind of self harm isn't even self harm but I am a bit of a wuss when it comes to it and I just use my extra long nails (I am quite girly) or my keys and scratch myself, normally on places people won't see like my arms or legs but today I scratched my face up quite badly. I feel awful but although I am attending a group therapy session courtesy of the NHS they just seem to spend time talking about 'what is depression?' 'what do our bodies do when we are anxious?' 'what is the thought process we go through?' which is all good but I think I am well past that stage and I am so scared now the self harm has started again. I don't even know when I'm writing this, I think it's just kinda cathartic. xx