Why does nothing ever go right?

[nanosizedrainbow]

Sorry, this may be a bit of a 'woe is me' post, I apologise in advance if it is.
My question is though why does nothing in my life ever work out the way it does in everyone else's lives? These are the things I class to be 'wrong' in my life:
1. I have depression, everyone can cope with life but I end up taking it to the extreme with depression.
2. I had to leave my job after being bullied by my boss. I was a teacher, something I've wanted to do for so many years but after 3 years of being bullied, blamed and put down I had to leave. I am now starting my own business but that is obviously tricky to get going at the moment.
3. I live with my loving fiance, this should be a positive but our relationship isn't right. I'm not 'in love' with him but I don't know what to do as he's such a kind person and looks after me.
4. I am 'in love' with someone else. I'm not in a relationship with them but they feel the same but we're both 'trapped' in our relationships. We would neve do anything to hurt the other people we're with but know we have a spark and a vibrancy that we just don't have with our other halves, we always say that we just met each other too late.
5. I just failed my driving test despite being fine at driving round and all the manouveres, on the actual test I was pulling out slowly at a blind junction (view on the left blocked by a big van) and then a car came speeding down there, right out in front of me. So I can't even do the basic thing that every other human being can do and drive.

So yes. I don't know what to do. Well I do. I just feel like giving up, however many times I say don't cry over split milk it doesn't help. I just suck at life generally.

So sorry. I hope someone reads this and can help because I just feel so void and I don't know how I'm gonna get through the afternoon on my own without doing something silly.

Rhi xxx

[Lol]

This is very difficult for you. Depression makes us focus on the negatives and dwell on them. you have had some significant disappointments and they have really knocked you. try keeping a diary of positives and negatives that happen each day and hopefully you will either see that not everything that happens is bad, or have more information with which to figure out why things are going a bit pear shaped. try to think about yourself in your relationship situation and be true to how you feel. once you have figured out what you actually WANT to do, think about whether it is the RIGHT thing to do. Are you feeling that the grass is greener on the other side but may end up disappointed? Can you put your finger on what is wrong in your own relationship, talk about it and put the spark back? Relationships are difficult and you have to put a lot of work in to keep them fresh and enjoyable. Depression doesn't allow for this. Consider whether you have the energy to invest in a new relationship at the moment?

[nanosizedrainbow]

Thank you, I know you area right. I should continue with the diary thing, I have tried it before but got 'bogged down' in what was bad and gave up writing it as I found it counter productive. I know I should try again.

In terms of my relationship, I suppose I've always known my current fiance isn't 'the one', we got together at university soon after I left an abusive (violent and emotional) with a previous boyfriend. I started to go out with him because he offered me kindness, support, friendship, all that was missing from my previous relationship and because he is one of my closest friends I stuck with him even though we don't feel romantically connected. I certainly wouldn't want to rush into things with the other guy because he has his own life to sort out but it's so hard seeing him everyday and knowing that if we had the chance things could be very different.

I suppose I just didn't need this knock back driving today, especially as it goes so well normally. I feel like I've let everyone down again and sooner rather than later they're going to give up on me as I'm useless at doing even the most simplest of human tasks.

I just don't know what I've done to deserve to feel like this. Thank you for being so supportive.

[Depina]

Hi Nano
I know I say this a lot but - (I know just how you feel and I can sympathise with you)
I find it hard to be really sure if -  things go wrong because I am depressed and don't see anything positive in myself, OR that the world chucks some bad things at me and I can't cope with it, and other people just seem to sail through things) Or I am really just useless, I am scared of trying for jobs because I might do something stupid or look silly or not be able to cope.

Sorry about the driving test, must have been a pain. That is enough to get anyone stressed.

You haven't done ANYTHING to 'deserve this' as it is not our fault, it we could change things and be happy WE WOULD!

My son is in an extremely difficult teaching job with teenagers who are very disruptive, and can't wait to leave even though he has made progess there for the childrens benefit, it will just wear him down if he doesn't get out. he has been struggling for a year, just managing to cope.

Hope your new venture does well. I work from home which I find easier. What is your new business?
Your fiancee sounds lovely and kind - the sort of person you need right now.

Thought Lols advice was brill.
Hope talking helps.
Hugs  ^&^
D XX

[Munchroom]

Hi Rhi - I often get the feeling of number 1.... why can everyone else cope with life and yet I can't?! I must be a failure... on my bad days, I cannot see past this reasoning, but on my good, I know its rubbish! Depression is an illness sure, everyone gets 'down' sometimes, but being clinically depressed means that we do not have the level of chemicals in our brians that other people do. We are not failures, we are simply ill. We will get better and before long, we'll be back to supporting others and back to leading a 'normal' life.

Lol made a brilliant post (and Depina too) Personally.... I don't think you should make any rash desicions about your relationship right now. When we are depressed we lose our emotions for those closest to us - I know i certainly did. I found every excuse under the sun for why my fiance and I weren't right together and why I should leave, I'd be better off with someone who 'understood' me better. Looking back, I was being an idiot - but to this day I don't know why I did it. I'm not saying your situation is the same and if there are real problems then... perhaps when you are feeling better and can handle a break up or change of relationship then it would be the wise thing to do. But everything is tainted when we have depression - even the happiest things in our lives - and it always seems like everyone else has it sussed. Believe me, they don't!  &*(

Take care - we're all here to support you through this xx

[nanosizedrainbow]

Thank you guys, you're so right. I'm sorry for moaning! I'm not going to do anything rash with my relationship, it'll just complicated things further! And that's certainly what I don't need!

It was the right decision to quit my teaching job, I wasn't valued and although it was nice to have a definite pay packet at the end of the month, it wasn't worth the emotional strife I had to face to receive it, I just wasn't living. I'm now working as a regional manager of YogaBugs, teaching children from walking to 7 yoga through music, movement and storytelling. I work in schools and nurseries mainly and find my job a good distraction from my illness (as you're right, that's what it is)... I never feel that I let my depression get in the way of my work as I am there to help the kids, and I suppose, through helping others I help myself as well.

I've never considered myself to be a selfish person which is why I think I find this so hard, I know I'm an only child but it's never been 'me me me' until now. If I think rationally I know that I am not useless, the majority of people screw up their driving test down to nerves / some other idiot but I just thought, if I can just get this one thing right then at least I'll be able to go places on my own and show people I'm not completely useless but now I've got to wait another couple of months for another chance.

So sorry once again, everyone is just so lovely on here though. I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't found this forum.

[Depina]

Hi Nano,

You don't need to say sorry for moaning on hear- we all understand, nothing wrong in having a rant now and again - (I do it) Anyway I didn't see it as moaning anyway, just explaining your feelings.This is a good place to let off steam, much better than bottling it up !

Don't worry, just concentrate on getting better, and say what you like.
Thinking of you
HUGS  ^&^
DXX

[Mark from Bristol]

Hi Rhi. I've been having some of those thoughts myself right now. I need to do some work upstairs to stop myself sitting down and just stewing over them, feeling worse and worse.

If you haven't tried I would seriously recommend you give mindfulness meditation a go. It's very easy to learn and and you can build up a practice of say 20 minutes a day quite quickly. Think of it as your brain gym.

What's the point? Mindfulness allows you to offload these thoughts you have that make you unhappy. That's all they are: thoughts. They are are not reality. You can learn to let them drift away. Sound like a fantasy?

Here are two websites to look at:

www.bemindful.co.uk is run by the Mental Health Foundation
www.getsomeheadspace.com is a fantastic little site that'll teach you how to meditate in no time

Alternatively pop in to your local Buddhist centre. I am in now way religious but that is where I learnt.  

// mark

[nanosizedrainbow]

Thank you, I have been told about meditation, one of my closest friends did a course in a few years ago and has guided me through a couple of sessions and I found them very good. I find it easier when someone guides me through them as if left to my own devices my mind seems to wander and that's never a good thing!

I love this forum, I only hope that I can give other people the support the support they have given me.

x

[nanosizedrainbow]

Sorry for posting again but I'm finding it so hard today, I'm meant to be getting up now as I have my class at 9.30 but since I still can't drive I have to walk there and I just feel so useless!! I try so hard to be strong but I don't know how much I've got left in me. I feel like I'm already running on empty. I don't want to give up but I don't know what more I can do. Sorry. I know you're all going through so much too.

[Munchroom]

Please don't, for one minute, feel you have to apologise for posting and asking for support! It is what we are all here for and yes, we all have our own problems too, but that doesn't mean that yours are insignificant - they are just as important as anybody elses on here and of course, we will try and help and support you as much as we are able  :)

I had the whole carrying on with work battle and I know just how terrifying work can become. Is there any way that you can take a few days off?? xx

[Lol]

nanosizedrainbow you must never feel like a burden and apologise for posting because you can see everyone is going throuigh so much. If we all did that there wouldn't be a forum would there?! That is what it is for.

You are finding things very difficult at the moment and sound in a great deal of distress from your post. You feel useless and like you have no reserves left to fight. Why do you feel useless? What do you need to be strong for and what are your fears?

We are here to help if you want to talk about it.

[nanosizedrainbow]

Thank you both. I did get up and I did go to my work this morning, because of what I am now doing I can't really take time off but it's ok, I love working with the children when I'm there and because it's only for short stints , even if I feel it is tricky I know it is not for long. I just feel under a lot of pressure to get more classes, my friends and family are constantly on at me to ring more people and nurseries and schools and get more classes booked up but at he moment without a car and with this depression I don't feel I can keep piling my plate so high without everything falling off! It's really starting to get on top of me and I just feel like crawling under the duvet and not coming out but I have to keep strong, I just don't know how much longer I can do it for but if I don't I am so scared I will lose everything, the respect of my friends who think I'm not trying, I'm scared of not being financially able to support myself and my house, and so much more! x

[Zaf]

Hi

You should listen to what your body is telling you and certainly not take on any more, if there is any way of cutting down on your present committments if you possibly can,  sometimes when you look at your situation it doesnt appear that you possibly can but I found out that it is often possible to cut down on just a tiny thing or things and it can often make quite a lot of difference.

xx

[Lol]

You can only do what you can do and that's enough. If you can provide a roof over your head and enough food to sustain you, you can temporarily breathe a sigh of relief and not let yourself do any more. It doesn't mean you will always function on that level, just look at it as a much needed holiday. Give yourself until the new year to keep on at a steady and managable pace and think how relieving that feels? to know that you have the rest of October, November and December without having to worry! Then look forward to the 1st of January when you can re evalutate whether you feel refreshed and start some new challenges with a feeling of newness and possibility. In the mean time concentrate simply on what you are doing, and doing it well, sustaining it, enjoying the ability to do it and also on centering yourself and correcting your imbalance to give yourself the best chance of l lovely new start in 2012. I think that would be really positive for you. What are your thoughts?