feeling very anxious

[OJNR]

hi everyone.

this is my first time posting on a forum, after having been up and down for around 10 years (i'm 26) with depressive episodes. at the moment i just feel at a loss. it's stopping me becoming the person i know i deserve to be. i don't go for good jobs because i don't beleive in myself. i've given up on good relationships because i get nervous and miserable for no real reason. at the moment i'm just wasting my days in doors, doing nothing of value, and it's so unhealthy.

my doctor put me on Citalopram, which i had been given 6 years ago, but didn't stick with. at the moment i'm two weeks into this course, and it's making me feel very nervous, which i understand is an early side effect. i think that's why i'm writing now, so as to feel like i'm not keeping it to myself.

i recently lost my job, which i was bored of anyway, but at the same time the girl i was seeing left to go back to her ex, and i injured my knee pretty badly. this sparked a major down period for me. i feel too anxious to look for work at the moment. something is still telling me that i need this girl to make me happy, so i'm constantly thinking of how i can win her back. my knee injury put an end to my running, which i used as a major stress release and mood boost every other day.

i don't really have a question to ask, but maybe if somebody reads this they could give some reassurance or encouragement? i don't really bother my friends with this, as i often find that people can be pretty intolerant of "emotions". i just feel at a loss, and like i've nothing left to look forward to. at 26, this is a pretty sad state of affairs.

[Depina]

Welcome OJNR,

gosh your feelings are so familiar, I really feel for you. I know what you mean, I am a lot older than you but I feel like you that I am wasting my life, I was the same re job situation, now I work from home which is better.
I found that Citalopram helped me, I am still on it, have been for years.
I can also understand your situation with your injury as my son ran marathons, injured his knee and had to have a new cruciate ligament and couldn't do anything sporty for a year. Will yours heal eventually? as my son can run now - but not marathons. He does a few miles.
It is very hard to speak to friends, but it is a good idea to get help if you feel so bad, I tried to cope alone for years, but had to tell the doctor in the end, I just burst into tears sobbing in the surgery. He was very kind and helpful.
you will find encouragement on here,
I would keep on with the tabs, they can take quite a while to work.
Take Care

Speak soon
Hugs  ^&^
D XX

[OJNR]

wow. thanks for the reply. it is (in a strange way) good to know that people are feeling the same way. obviously i wish we could all just be happy, but you understand.

sorry to hear about your son. by no means was i in marathon shape, and my knee will heal hopefully, but it's been out for about 3 months now and is still not fit. i will stick to the citalopram. it's only week two, and i know i can expect a bumpy ride for the first part. writing on here helps to rationalise a lot of the ill feelings, so i appreciate having a place like this to discuss.

thanks again. good luck!

[Lol]

Hi OJNR I agree with Depina it is very important that you keep up with your medication, not following through with it can spark a crash so if youo've started, have faith and patience and hopefully you will start to fell the little differences. As far as your girlfriend is concerned - that sounds very difficult indeed. Is it the actual girl or the feeling of being wanted by some one that you miss?

[OJNR]

hi. thanks for writing. it's in my nature that i get attached easily to people that i'm fond of. i've seen different girls over the years and not been too into them, but this one (and there have been similar cases) felt different, and i invested a good deal of time and effort into making things work for us.

she wasn't in the best place herself to start a new relationship, and ended up going back to her ex, like i said. at the moment i can't really trust my feelings. there are other girls who are interested in me, but i just don't care about that right now. so i think it is this one girl. i know i should probably just forget about her for my own sanity, but it's hard when you think something is worth it.

i have told her how i feel about her, but she doesn't know anything about my depression. i haven't spoken to her in a month. i just can't clear my head and let myself relax right now. sometimes i can think rationally, and i understand that there is nothing really wrong in my life. other times i feel intense panic that i'm losing something important, or that time is running out and i've not achieved anything of value.

[Munchroom]

Hi OJNR and welcome - I too sympathise with how you are feeling. I am fortunate to be in a relationship and with a man I adore - but when I was at my lowest last year, this wasn't the case. I was still in the same relationship, but I also had a really good friend (who i call 'Peter' because, I don't know... feels like it protects his identity a bit, although it doesnt actually make any difference....) annnnnyway, Peter was actually my OH's friend to begin with, but me and him had more in common and we just clicked. Before long we were doing things together when my OH was at work - not secretly, but Peter can get days off at the drop of a hat (he's a temp) wheras my OH is in much more of a steady job, where he is needed! We got very close - best friends. We would stay up chatting and drinking when my OH went to bed, we'd email or chat on msn throughout the day when we were both at work, I ended up working near him (not necisarily on purpose, but it was an added advantage at the time) so we would go into work together, have lunch together and then when I got ill, he was a rock. Because of his ability to get time off, he would come to appointments with me when my OH couldn't get the time off... I confided in him, he knew every single thing about my illness. (My OH did too... ) But then... Obviously, this didn't go unoticed by my OH - when Peter started buying me things, or ringing my pshycologist without my consent, it was really the final straw. My OH told Peter to back off - which he did, but within a few weeks, he was back to normal. We had a big bust up eatlier in the year when I discovered Peter had taken a photo of me asleep... my OH hit the roof! And I wasnt too pleased either.... and we havent seen each other since  that was around April... I still speak to him pretty much every day, although his name is like a swear word to my OH! But I miss him so much. Everything is tainted because I now wonder what exactly he was getting out of our 'friendship' but it doesn't alter the fact that we had so many good times together and I still care about him, a lot! i go through phases of being angry, upset, guily, remorseful.... everyone logical, even the logical side of my own mind tells me to move on! He ended up being a destructive influence and probably not helping my illness one bit as I was the one that ended up feeling like I was constantly caught between my fiance and my best friend! But... I can't. I want our friendship back so badly, but I know it'll never be the same...

My relationship with my OH though has never been better - he has been so supportive and there were so many times when I acted like a complete twat last year and he would have had every reason to leave me. But he didn't. In a funny way, all of this has made us stronger! So I know... If me and Peter were to start being friends that actually saw each other again, it would really hurt him 

So - I know how it feels to know that just moving on and 'forgetting' someone is so clearly the wisest thing to do - but also the one thing thats impossible.

Also the feeling that you are wasting your life - get that 110% I get so frustrated when I think that for a over a year I have done nothing more that try and make the depression go away - its an achievement if I manage to do housework in the day!! I'm 26 for christs sake, I should be out seeing the world, doing so much before I have children and get old... but it feels like everything is passing me by and I am poweless to stop it...

As Depina says - try and keep on with the Citalopram. the first few weeks are the worst for any side effect but over the next few weeks, you should start to feel a little better  &*(

Take care x

[OJNR]

again, thanks for the reply. sorry to hear about your previous situation, but i'm glad to hear that things are going well now. stick at it, because having somebody who you can rely on, like your other half, is so important. even if it feels hopeless at times.

the problem i have is that i got too attached. now i have nobody (in a relationship sense) but i know she's off with her ex and probably not giving me a second thought. it pains me just to write it.

however, i know that i'm probably feeling more anxious due to the medication settling in. so i know things will get easier in a week or so. and as for the wasting time, yes, you should go travel and see the things you want to see. i should too. the only barrier is ourselves, which, unfortunately, is usually the hardest one to break.

good luck with it all. thanks for identifying.

[Zaf]

Hi, it does take a while for the meds to work and the dose to be sorted, as everyone else has said, dont stop taking them without speaking to your GP, or if you feel a lot worse go back and tell him/her.