First Post!

[Alstare1974]

Hi guys.

Been doing it pretty rough recently. Been suggesting from depression for last 8 years but only been diagnosed for 2. Before that I just dealt with life how I thought everyone did not realising that actually I was sick. It all started when I had to leave the forces and then my best friend was killed in action. For last 2 years I've been suffering with depression and anxiety and the fact I haven't dealt with stuff before.

3 months ago my marriage broke down and in turn I've lost my house and am living with my parents. I'm off work sick as I just can't concentrate or deal with people. I'm feel like I'm also on the verge of losing my job as I've already had a warning about my sick leave (due to depression).

Things have been pretty dark and am struggling to see a way forward. I hate night time because my brain won't turn off and I lie in bed thinking of everything that's gone wrong. In turn I end up sleeping in very late as I'm tired but I also can't find any real reason to get up. I've also started to think everyone would be better off without me, I have my method of suicide all planned out just can't bring myself to do it cos of my parents. (I'm 37 btw). I am pretty addicted to visiting suicide forums everyday which doesn't help but I can't shake my curiosities.

I don't know why I'm posting this or what I hope to achieve. I guess I just wanted to write something down.

I've been referred to my local mental health team but it seems to be taking forever to get seen by the referred therapies that I am waiting for. I'm on venlafaxine, flupenthixol and zopiclone. Feel like I should rattle when I walk.  I also feel like I'm going out of my mind half the time.

Cheers for reading. 

[Zaf]

Hi Alstare and welcome,

I'm sure you realise most of are going to tell you to keep away from those suicide forums if you possibly can, although if you browse around the forum you'll see many of us have planned how and where, I certainly have but the thing that stops me is knowing how badly it will affect my friends and family (I lost a close work colleague from suicide and it affected me dreadfully).

It can be frustrating while the medics get things sorted out and I know how desperate I have felt when nothing seemed to be helping me. 

Two things cross my mind, one is wondering if there are any support groups for ex service personnel and the other is to say that if you are dismissed for a genuine illness its possible to take your employer to court for unfair dismissal if you have worked there for over a certain length of time.  I'm surprised your doctor hasnt signed you off sick, if not could you tell him/her how you feel and ask for a sick note?  I know how difficult it is dealing with things like that, at my worst I shake and feel sick when I have to see the doc, thats if my panic attacks and agorophobia dont prevent me actually getting there.

Everyone here will help as much as they are able, talking about this horrible illness can also help a lot too

Zaf xx

[Alstare1974]

Thanks

All my sickness has been covered by doctors certification but I'm still on an informal warning :-(   

Can't be sacked but can be medically retired for ill health.

[Zaf]

They have to go through more stages before they can sack you, and it can be classed as discrimination if they do because you are ill.

I'm not sure about being retired because of ill health but these days there are a lot of rules and regs about getting rid of an employee because they are ill, is there a union where you work that could advise you?

I only know a bit about tis because I've done a little HR work and I know the law is pretty heavily weighed on the side of the employee these days.

Insomnia and tiredness are classical signs of depression and its one of the things I find really hard to deal with, I try to nap whenever I feel the need and have a chance, I'm still working part time but when I'm not at work I try to catch up on my sleep, rest is very important for depressive people.

[Alstare1974]

Went to a friends wedding on Saturday on my own and felt really really lonely. First thing I've done like that since I split with my wife. Ended up in tears at one point. Hardly knew anyone there but the bride ( my best friend) and her sister were really supportive.

Been suffering quite badly since. Ended up staying over which I hadn't planned but didn't take my sleeping pills with me so had a terrible night of insomnia. Yesterday was hell as I had a major crash in mood and was really tired with lack of sleep. Got really down and suicidal. Am still feeling rough today :-(.

Am really fed up of feeling like this, fed up of feeling like there's no point to life. If it wasnt for my folks I'd do it and I really really wish I could.

[Zaf]

Alstare, your meds wont have started working properly yet so you need to give them a chance, but it might be worth going back to your doctor to tell him how you feel.  Its not surprising you got very emotional at the wedding,  its a big thing to go to even when you're well

If you do get to the point of suicide please call the samaritans or 999, but I hope the thoughts of your family will stop you getting that far.

Dont forget everyone here will help if they are able  &*(

[Alstare1974]

I've been on all my meds for a long time. Venlafaxine for 18 months, flupentixol and sleeping pills for 3 months this time. They just about make some days bareable. I'm waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist for a med review as GP feels he can't prescribe anything else. I usually talk to my mum when I'm feeling suicidal. Got my first appt with mind on wed, hopefully that'll be some help.

[Zaf]

I hope both will help, its really awful feeling like that, do you have any idea how long you'll have to wait for the psychiatrist's appointment?

[Alstare1974]

Months i think.

 I have an appt with forces support group at end of sep and am waiting for appt with university's mood disorder centre.

[Zaf]

thats a dreadfully long time to wait but at least you know you do have the one with the forces support group thats already sorted.   I wonder if you go back to your GP and tell him how bad you feel he could speed up the appointment for you?

[Alstare1974]

Unfortunately GP is kind of out of the loop as everything but forces stuff being dealt with by local mental health team and I've been dead honest about how bad I am. Just all seems to take a long time :-(

[Zaf]

I think many of us have found the same

Hang in there, we'll give you all the support and help we can

[Alstare1974]

I have wondered if I'd be better off in hospital but I don't really know what being sectioned is about and the idea does scare me quite a lot. Parents are doing good job of looking after me it's just the boredom that's killing me. Don't have tge enthusiasm to do anything but sleep. My dear old mum is getting some support herself now and has a careers support meeting with one of the mental health team tomorrow.

[Zaf]

I'm not sure if you can go into hospital voluntarily if you feel the need but I'd guess the boredom in a ward would be worse than at home. Its a nightmare not having the energy to do anything but going mad with boredom at the same time, I've tried allsorts but at my worst I cant even manage to read a page let alone a chapter so I tend to watch TV but most of that is rubbish and nearly as bad as doing nothing

Its really good to hear that your mum is getting some support, so often carers get forgotten when there is illness in a family

[Depina]

Really feel for you Alstare, I am glad that you are getting good advice on this forum from people who know just how you are feeling. Lovely you have support from your family. Hang in there, thinking of you Hugs