Hi I'm new - Long post

[willowpuss]

Hi I'm new here, came looking for some support and understanding and i'm hoping talking about it will help.

I'm 31 years old and having been suffering with low self esteem and low self confidence since i can remember, probably for about 20 years. I've alway been over-weight and was bullied for it when i was in school. Over the years I have had periods that have been ok and then a situation comes along and knocks me sideways.

My latest episode has seemed so far to be my longest. I have always had feeling of being unloved, by my husband, my family and my friends. But when then I started to have the feelings that my son doesn't love me either. THis started when he was about 9 months old (he's 16 months now), he never seemed to look at me, or wanted to be held. I managed to hide these feelings after a while when i kept getting told that I was being sily and he was just a baby, and it was just a phase. So i kept quiet and carried on.

My next bump came in January this year when i found out my husband had been send inappropriate text messages to someone he used to work with (he stopped working with them 5 years ago, I'm not sure and have no acctual proof that they have been in contact all that time, but i know it had been going on for at leat 6 months) After many nights of sitting up talking about it, he agreed to have no further contact with her and i dropped it. I think he is still talking to her via facebook as she is one of his friends on there, and he tries to hide the fact he has been on facebook by deleating it from the browsing history.

Around the same time i went back to work full time after being off for 10 months with maternity leave where i basically isolated myself from everyone apart from a few close friends and family, i found that very hard to cope with and after 4 weeks back i couldn't do it any longer and went to my GP. I was diagnosed with Depression and anxiety and got signed off work. I was prescribed with sleeping tablets as i was sleeping for about 2 hours a night and was referred to councillor. I had 4 sessions with her, which didn't really help as she only seemed to want to focus on my self esteem issues, and advised me that if i didn't feel confident talking to people that i should 'pretend i was confident and talk to them anyway'. I'm not knocking councillors in anyway, and the one i spoke to through work was excellent, but her advice really didn't help so i gave up trying in my sessions and just said what she wanted to hear.

So here i am now, after 6 months off I went back to work 2 weks ago on a phased return and am feeling a bit more positive as my new line manager has given me a desk that is somewhat secluded so i can intergrate my self back into the office on my terms, and i have also been offered voulantery redundancy so i'm set to leave at the end of september.

But on a negative side i have ben doing some research regarding my sons behaviour, his language skills aren't what they should be, he has limited non-verbal communication skill (he doesn't point when he wants something), he doesn't show any affection (we can pick him up and carry him but he doesn't liked being kissed or cuddled), I have a deep fear that he may have autism of some kind and i feel like i'm going to have an uphill battle to get anyone to help me. I've mentioned some of his symtons to my husband (but not mentioned autism) and his response was, all kids are different and he will develope in his own time. But i'm his mum and i know in my gut that something is just not right.

So that's me, congratulations if you made it this far, all donations of comments are greatfully recieved, sorry if i bored any of you, but i've got no-one else to talk too. My husband can sometimes be selfish and inconsiderate, and my friends all have thier own problems without me unloading on them.

I appologise for my bad spelling and grammer, I blame coming from the computer generation where spellcheck is a right and not a privilage LOL

Thanks

[Zaf]

Hello willowpuss, dont worry about the length of your post, if you take a look around he forum you'll see we all post a long one from time to time.

It sounds as though you have been very strong to have got this far, you might not think so but thats the nature of depression. 

I'm afraid I dont know much about children but wonder if you can take your son to your GP for some sort of assessment?  Hopefully someone else might know more and be able to advise you.

Everyone in here will help as much as they can :)

[Janey63]

Hi Willowpuss

I am new here too-

 have you spoken to your health visitor?? they can be really helpful- also talk to your GP again............

thinking of you

[cornish]

Hi and welcome.
First of all the longer the post the better, the more we know the more we can help
 
Are you on any kind of medication?

I'm not really sure about the situation with your son but seeing your gp about your concerns might be a good idea

Were all friendly and as helpful here  :)

[Munchroom]

Hey Willowpuss and welcome

As everyone has mentioned - please don't feel bad for 'long posts' we all do them and as Cornish says, the more you share, the more we can try and help support you.

Its so hard with children to know if how they are behaving is just their personality, if they are taking longer to develop or if there is something more going on. I don't have children (yet) but I have worked as a nanny and in play-work, but even without that, I would advise you to take your son to the GP and share your concerns. If nothing else, it'll take a weight off of your mind. You say that when he was a baby he didn't want to be held and didn't want to look at you.... perhaps it was a mild autism showing itself early on?

Its really positive that you are starting back at work though  :)

Hope to see you around the forums x