Hi!

[tinky]

Hi! Help! Never been on a forum before.

I built up a self protection "front" at 9 years old when i went away to boarding school, i'm now 45 and i still have this "front"
and i am beginning to know the underneath me....trouble is I don't like either!

I feel like a selfish, self orientated, self centred shallow person. i'm a cheapskate. i lie and i have a deep need for

acceptance! talk about needy!

I can;t talk to my husband about this as i am the strong one in the relationship (according to my GP!), my husband has

terrible back problems and is depressed himself, i won't load this on him too!

I feel as though my whole life has been spent trying to either 1) live up to other peoples expectations of me or 
                                                                                                       2) please other people
  i fail at both.
I always defer to my older brother and sister, it was/is expected of me. I came along 8 years after my siter and 9 years

after my brother, i know i was a mistake and i have felt like a spare part most of the time...not part of my siblings  and

relatives generation nor part of their childrens. i remember a happy childhood but looking back now i see these

"problems" e.g. i remember being picked up from primary school mainly by someone who worked in the office of the

family company. i think i continually seek male approval, i don;t remember ever being good enough really for my fathers

attention.

wow, what self opionated rubbish!!

I just feel SO sad and worthless, i would never consider suicide but i wish i could die if i was e.g. saving someone...is

that really wrong??? I feel like an inconvenience. i can't go to my GP as he thinks i am the strong one and i don't want to

involve my husband. My friends like me (with "front" on) doubt whether they will like the "real" me.

I am so sorry to rant on, it just feels better to "talk".  i have never been on a forum before but it does feel good to let all this

out, thank you.

[Zaf]

Hi tinky

so often depression is suffered by 'strong' people,  you really do need to try to go to see your GP if you possibly can,  how can you help your husband if he is ill if you become ill yourself?

I think many of us that are depressed try to live up to other people's expectations, try to please other people, put a big front on and secretely dislike ourselves,  I certainly have all those feelings.  I'm having help with some of them through counselling and I'm on antidepressents that do help with the very black moods and suicidal thoughts Ive had in the past.

I know nearly everyone else here will suggest you try to see your GP and tell him honestly how you are feeling so you can get some help to start feeling better.

[tinky]

Hi Zaf, thanks for that, perhaps I should change my GP as it may be easier!

[Zaf]

it can be daunting explaining to your GP how you are feeling especially if you've been with him for some time,  you really do need to get some medical help,  depression is an illness and not just a state of mind, its important to get some help if you possibly can

[tinky]

I know, its just difficult, my doctors is a local, one doctor practice. I did go and ask him for help and all he said was "well, what do you expect me to do?" so i gave up in a cowardly fashion!

[tinky]

I also don't trust his discretion....he mentioned i had been to see him when i visited with my husband ( I hadn't mentioned it to my husband) so it is a bit awkward!

[Zaf]

Its really difficult to tackle such an ignorant attitude when you're depressed and I'm shocked he told your husband you had visited as there are rules about patient confidentiality.

I'm sure there must be a way of getting the help you need by asking a different doctor, do you have any of those walk in centres near where you live?  A possible alternative might be to phone NHS direct but I'm not sure how helpful they might be.

In the meantime I'll see if I can find out anything about changing doctors for you, someone else here might have some ideas too

[Zaf]

I just googled "change gp" and it gave several sites you might want to take a look at which might help

[tinky]

Thanks Zaf, I'm going to look at the sites this weekend. Hopefully sort somthing next week. Thank you.

[Ezel]

 .>,

[evertonblue]

 :) :)Hi there, I am new here.

I was at boarding school too, I soon learnt to hide my fear and loneliness, as a new boy. This is probably why I suffer from depression now.
I find this site quite inspriring, many people here seem to show a lot of courage, and determination, and never acknowledge this in themselves.

[Zaf]

Hi evertonblue, I think feeling weak and useless part of the illness, it takes someone looking in from outside to see how corageous and determined some of the peeps that post here are

[cornish]

hey and welcome.

everything i wanted to say has already been said and its all good advice, were all nice people here and out to help you as we know how evil this illness is

[tinky]

Hi again and thanks to everyone for your support, its so nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this!

[Munchroom]

Hi Tinky - and EvertonBlue  :)

Tinky you claim you are 'self-centred' and 'selfish' and yet in the same sentence claim you don't want to load your opinions onto your husband because he already has depression and back problems. In my opinion, for what its worth, you sound far from selfish - just someone who is stuck so low in the depths of depression that they have such a low opinion of themselves and think their feelings are not as 'important' as anyone else's. This of course, is not true! You need to take care of yourself - first and foremost! And that is definitely not selfish  &*(

Hope to see you both around the forum x