Back again, it's been so long since I posted...

[Jess]

Hello everybody; in a sense I am proud of the fact that I haven't posted in such a long time but honestly I have kept all of my emotions inside for far too long now.
It seems that everyday ends in a argument with my mother over petty issues or voicing my opinion.
If you are reading this and are confused about what i seem to be ranting about then I apologise I understand that there are a lot of new members here whom have never seen a post by me; all of my previous posts are on here if you wish to read them.

To summarise though; I am now a 16year old whom is about to start college in September. I have been severly depressed since the age of 6; this has been caused by constant hospitalisation due to multiple medical conditions including Meningitus twice, a kidney disease and type 1 diabeties.

I still contemplate suicide daily; I have planned in my mind on multiple occasions the music i wish to be played at my funeral, whom I wish to attend. I frequently survey my surroundings for places in which i may kill myself at; I apologise if this is rather graphic.

My family situation is not very good. My parents are divorced and my father has remarried to a lovely women. The main issuse i have is with my biological mother, she is in a relationship with her partner whom is anything but stable when it comes to her emotions. However my mother always takes her side in an arguement, constantly bringing me down with harsh remarkes with regards to my health and mortality - just yesterday she told me that I would not live to the age of 30 just beacause I voiced my opinion on the health options to obese people - my mother took offense to this as she herself is obese but disabled.
It is almost a daily occurance of my mother telling me how i will not survive to adult hood; this is not what a daughter should here from her mother. She has told me on multiple times not to bother with college as i will never pass - I have been accepted into one of the best colleges in England without an interview. She seems to forget that I have missed years of education due to illness yet I am achieving higher then some other teenagers.

My main concern for the moment is that I have stopped taking my vital medication of 4x daily insulin injections, this has been for the past 2months. I have only been taking one injection per day. This has resulted in me feeling very ill yet I cannot bring myself to take my medication. I know that if this continues it will severly damage my organs including my eyes. The levels of glucose in my blood should be at around 6mmol - a healthy range; on my last hospital appointment my glucose level per mmol was that of 12mmol - an extremaly dangerous amount, my cholestral has rised as my body cannot convert sugars correctly and I have lost almost a stone in weight. The painful part to me is that no-one has noticed that no new medication has been taken out of the fridge, that I haven't opened a new box of needles and that well I haven't taken my injections.

I'm holding back the tears as I type this, I hope you understand when reading this and do not judge me as an immature teenager.

I thank you for reading this.

Much love, Jess xx

[seamie]

you should be immensely proud of your self for getting into the best college in the country. take your insulin kidder, and go for it and prove them all wrong. sounds as there is a wee bit of jealousy on your mothers part take care chuck

[Pete]

Hey Jess

I'm Pete and I'm new here. If you read me jounal you will see that I too had a childhood where I craved attention from people and I think this is sort of what you need too. You sound a very intelligent and mature person who has emotions that are not being recognised. The answer though isn't to make yourself more sick by neglecting your medication but to use the intelligence you have to help others. The experiencesa you have could assist others not as strong as you so do me a favour. Take your medications as you need to so that you get physically stronger and take advantage of this great college place you have now. You are not alone as long as you have places like this forum and you can certainly help others via this means. I am new to this forum but I can see a sort of family of like minded people emerging so never feel alone ok. Get back to the docs and explain things and get your meds sorted , we need teens like you in this world :)

[Zaf]

You shouldnt have to put up with all that Jess but you really do need to take your insulin, is it possible to go back to the doc to tell him/her how you feel?

[Munchroom]

Hi Jess...

I think I can speak for everyone when I assure you that we're not going to judge you, or think you are an immature teenager. I know for one that there are not clear cut reasons for many of the things I do and if I have to try and explain why I self harm, go through phases of not eating or find it terrifying to go outside (to name a few) then I can't... its a part of this illness, so please feel that you can vent and get things off your chest and we are not here to judge you  :)

As everyone else though - I would really encourage you to take your medication. As Zaf has suggested, is it possible to go back to your doctor? I don't really know too much about insulin, but it does occur that perhaps you need to increase your dosage back up??

Withholding medication that your body needs from yourself is a form of self harm, as I'm sure you are aware. I'm sure your doctor won't judge you for it, so please... I know its hard, because it feels like something else we are losing control of when we seek professional help for something such as this, but your body needs this insulin.

Take care Jess, we're all here to help if we can  &*(

[Cazkitten]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. It sounds like you really need to talk to someone - are you in any kind of counselling/ therapy? If not, perhaps it would help. Your GP could refer you.
I'm amazed the hospital didn't express any concern over your results - you should really take your insulin, please don't risk doing long-term damage to yourself. You sound like an intelligent young woman who is so full of potential - which I know is easy to say and it doesn't feel like it, but you have so much to live for.
You need and deserve help.
I hope you feel better soon.

[Jess]

Thank you all for responding to my post; it means a lot to me. I have been trying to take my medication but it is proving difficult. I haven't been feeling any better as I had a massive arguement with my sister as she feels that my introvert closed behaviour is damaging her relationship with her boyfriend - failing to ask why i appear that way. Tomorrow I get my solace as I am taking my friend out for a surprise meal - I am hoping this goes to plan but if so then i'm sure her reaction will make me feel normal for a while.

Once again thank you all for responding.

I hope you all are ok :)

Much love, Jess xx

[seamie]

hope the meal goes well :) :) :)