Life ended years ago

[DumpsInTheDown]

Hello. I have been diagnosed as of about 4 months ago. I knew deep down before that what was happening, but suicide attempts prompted me to go and 'get help'.
And by that I mean sitting in front of a doctor and having them rip my mind apart.
I am on medication and also sleeping tablets. No body in my life knows about this due to my cultural backgrounds and varying religous beliefs within my family.
I had two appointments scheduled with a psychiatrist but couldn't bear to go.
Today I nearly had another attempt at ending it all; sometimes I just think I will be a happier person if my life on this earth is over.
And re: the title of this thread; I feel that I'm not the same person as I was years ago and that my 'happier', more functoning life has been dead for years.
I don't think I can cope anymore, and to be honest with you I don't want to struggle anymore. I just have no energy for that.

So now there is no point in anything.
Anyone understand what the hell i'm talking about? Because sometimes I have no idea.

Thanks all, even if you only read the first line; thank you. To have someone to talk to is a miracle.

T ~

[cornish]

i know exactly how u feel, i think my life ended when my illness started,   please talk away here, ive found it a huge help, i recommend you try go to the psychiatrist, i know its easier said than done as ive only managed to go for my initial appointment and should have had a few since then but i have to admit i felt drained after the first appointment but i truly believe it helped me, only in a small way and i do intend to go again but im just not ready yet.

ive had a 2 suicide attempts now and came close a few other times, im glad i failed and the other times im glad i managed to stop my self. im not really sure what to say about it really but wait for some one else to post and listen to them

[lightenup]

Hi T welcome to the forum, I would say a few us have been where you are now.  I have on 2 occassions, the despair is awful but believe me when I say things get better, but you must get help.  The meds can also make you feel suicidal so please see your Dr again, it may take a while to find the right one.  Also get some counselling it can help you put things in perspective.  In the mean time make sure you get help and speak to the Samaritins if you feel like you are serious in danger of yourself in the meantime.  Depression seems so taboo to everyone, but you would be surprised who has suffered and you are probably not the only one in your family to have suffered, take care.

[DumpsInTheDown]

Hi Cornish & Lighten.
You probably think this is amateur normal entry level stuff eh? And here's me moaning on, when others are in worse situations than me!
It's really nice of you to reply thank you it means a lot to me. Especially as the pressure from society / my job / my family is so high to keep up appearances..Which means the ability to talk to anyone is non-existent.

I cannot get out to go to the psychiatrist appointments as I am always asked questions of where I am going and what am I doing..(I am a 25 year old adult not a child BTW)
It feels as if the only way out is to die. I have tried but without proper medical knowledge; just failed.
I feel really uncapable of doing anything  - even getting up to go to the toilet?(Humiliating) And I know that the medication should help but it's just making me so very lethargic.

Anyone got any help on getting through the seconds,..minutes,..? As in how to take your mind off dying?
I am talking about this moment right now as I am feeling the height of it, sorry if it comes off as frantic.
Thank you

T ~

[cornish]

no one here will think anything like that, were all ill and will try and help each other to the best of our(sometimes limited) abilities.
feel free to "moan" its a release and a good one in my opinion, yes some are worse but dont feel like that makes you less important than anyone else.

the stigma that comes with this illness is horrible, if you feel like you cant talk to anyone then come on here, were all very friendly and will do what we can :)

i know how u feel im 24 and still get asked what im doing and where im going, its because they care about you, try and take comfort in that.
some how you really need to find a way, you need to be treated for something that is at the end of the day just an illness.

it will feel like that at times but with help you will be able to get though this.
i often feel this but it can be the medication, if you feel like its not working then get to your gp and ask for a change

just try and distract your self with anything you can think of, i seem to resort to su soku fairly often

please dont apologies we know how you feel and understand and want to help

[DumpsInTheDown]

Than

Thanks Cornish
I've calmed down a bit now but it nearly came to a head
I feel selfish talking about myself all the time but I rarely do it so I am grateful for having you guys to type to
 
I'm an artist and decided to do a sketch, maybe I could try to upload it on here one day.

TOmorrow is a day where I have to spend hours with family members who I hate - how do I get through it? It's constant pressure and I'm exhausted of fighting it

I might change my meds actually....

[/b]

[lightenup]

Believe me when I say I have been there, I still struggle to admit I am ill, the problem with the situation is that we are all great at hiding things, while we are crumbling inside, you are worth life.  All of us have our own demons at my worse I felt nothing, and I wish I had have this site to help spur me on, I was lucky I did not suceed.  Things will get better but believe me when I say your family can help as well as the proper services.  Please don't you feel alone, we can try and help or please ring the Samaritins if no one is on line.  Fairly soon I will be zonked on my meds and sleeping tabs to be honest a God send at the moment take care.  Keep posting (((big hugs))) 

[cornish]

its no problem at all :)
your not being selfish at all, you needed a little bit of help and we provided

please do, i would love to see some of your sketches

can u get away for short amounts of time just to relax a bit or is there some one that will be there that you will feel comfortable around.  i know the fear and exhaustion all too well but the only way ive found i can deal with it is something im not going to talk about as it could potentially trigger you or i just hide away from it, it might be worth asking your gp for something to help you though the really hard times, i take a lot of diazepam but it can be very addictive and you build up an immunity to it

how long have you been on your current meds, you know that they can take a few weeks to work and they dont work the same for different people, or with me they just slowly stop working


like lighten, i struggled a lot and it took me a long time to admit i was ill and to get help, im about to get into the same state too, but i will probably be on for a while yet.

i hardly sleep at all and i try and come on here as much as i possibly can,  if im online i try and do my best to help or just talk crap to people :) its a distraction and can help :)

[DumpsInTheDown]

I've been on meds for 3 months now

I don't sleep at all and usually just sit and stare at the laptop until I decide to move or get a drink or something.

There isn't anywhere I can really go to get some restbite, but maybe It's all in my head I don't know,

I hope you're strong enough to get yourself out of it, and that you realise that even when you've been talking to me tonight you've been amazingly useful and a great help already - so there are loads of positives.

I used to be a artist for celebrities but lost my job a while back and now trying to make it through other channels.

Now trying to stop myself taking sleeping pills as I rely on them too much now.
Have you seen a psychiatrist? Was the first sessio horrible aswell?

[/b]

[cornish]

then they should have had time to work, if you feel like they arent then ask for a change

you need to do what ever it takes to get some sleep, it will help you feel better

is there anything you can distract your self with while there there ?   this is going to sound strange but yes it is in your head but you are not imagining it, its a real illness you need to accept it and understand its not your fault. 

i really hope so to, im glad you have realized this place can be a great help and its some where we all come to help our selfs and others at the same time :)

now im more interested in seeing some as your obviously talented, im sure you will find a way to make it another way

i try as hard as i can not to rely on them but normally fail
yes i have and it was no where near as bad as i imagined, i was so anxious i actually rubbed my hands till one bled but it helped a lot, sadly i havent actually managed to go back for another appointment, its took me 2 weeks to open the letter and i have phone anxiety and now need to call them and its been 3 weeks since i opened it
back on topic, no there not that bad, they really do help and i would recomend them to everyone who is in need of help

[Zaf]

I agree with everyone, you do need to get your medication changed or the dose increased if you are feeling so very ill after 3 months. I would also urge you to see a counsellor or psychiatrist if you can get another appointment.  I fully understand how difficult it is when people want to know what you are doing every hour of the day, its not an easy one to overcome and to be honest I tend to bend the truth rather than say I'm going to counselling.

Z x

[cornish]

how did your day go ??