How much has depression changed your life?

[Zita]

Hey everyone...I thought I would ask this to see if it has happen to anyone else or it is just me.

I used to have a good memory, so good I was one of those kids that before an exam at school I just needed a quick look through my notes to refresh my memory and always got good grades...nowadays I forget things within minutes of being told them or even open the fridge to get something and cant remember what it was I was getting. Also my concentration has completely gone out of the window...last year I began a IT course and ended up quiting because I found it so dificult to understand things and most of all concentrating on a task.

I have 2 children and after my 2nd my weight was 9 st...after 6 years of being on medication (fluoxetine) Im now just under 11 stone. I eat well, no chocolate, crisps, alcohol or fizzy drinks and go to the gym 3 times a week however I cant shift a gram let alone a pound.

I used to be a very chilled out person...nothing would really get to me...these days if Im having a bad day or around the ''time of the month'' I get really snapy and stressed by the most stupid little things, things that before wouldnt even enter my orbit.

In my other life  (before depression) I used to be the ''clown of the gang'', always making people laugh by doing all sorts of silly things and was a happy person myself...now im withdrawn and its very rare to hear me laugh...I can smile but most oftern than not its not a real smile more of a cover up.

But the thing that most gets me is the lack of emotion...like watching a very sad film and not feel anything nor shed a tear.

I dont like the person I become...I miss my old self but have lost any hope of returning there...it makes me sad 

[lightenup]

Hi Zita seems like you where writing about me    Very successful, working long hours which involved complicated presentations and spending a lot time living out of a suitcase.  Now my concentration is shot, it takes me ages on here to reply   I get very anxious going out and I only go out with my hubby, as like I can hide behind him when out shopping.  From extroverted to introverted.

I love to bake, I was making boiled fruit cake and forgot the butter!!!!   I leave things switched on and forget about them.  Yet if my hubby asks me about these things I get cross like he thinks I'm stupid   Its all or nothing with me when I get a window of opportunity or feel good I do too much and then feel worse later!!

I am not bothered about my appearance anymore, however I cannot understand how people do not keep themselves clean.  My husband again takes me out of town shopping and buys me things encouraging me saying this would look nice on me etc.  Before I would have always had the make up on hair cut stylishly and been dressed to perfection.  Oh to be back to my oldself, however striving to be perfect in work life and home has been the reason why I am here now...........along with other factors.

[Pete]

I was always the one who wore a mask and on the outside I was the class clown, the  party animal and the one that wanted to be seen as the good guy and the fun guy. I would go out of my way to get people to see me as this or even just to notice me. Now I would rather be invisible and not be seen. I still have the mask and I wear it whenever I need to deal with the public. If I go to the shop I wear the smile, if I speak to people I always try to be jolly but as I  walk away from them I feel so tired as if the mask has drained me  of all energy.

I make the effort  to shave and dress IF i have to see anyone I am concerned will judge me but those people are getting less and less. I shave maybe once a week now and it doesnt bother me, yet typing this now it bothers me as if I am realising it and so maybe I will shave now??? lol.

why did i type lol then? I didnt smile let alone laugh out loud, yet another thing I do to make people think I am happy eh?

I used to work in Security dealing with many important aspects including protection. I am a big lad so i'm told ( I dont see that, I see a small person with no confidence but a great acting skill) i'm 15st and 6 feet tall, i'm a karate dan grade yet I get so nervous that I dont really walk anywhere. If I do go out I drive as I know I am safe in my car. Even my car is a 2.5v6 which is a sign  of strength and power when really I feel i should drive a fiesta.

Memory has been shot for a long time so has my concentration but I always put that down to my old cannibis smoking habit although i never really used it that much compared to some so maybe it  wasnt that after all??

I could go on but i'll let someone else have a go as I now feel I am taking up too much of someone elses topic....sorry 

[Munchroom]

Pete - please stop apologising for typing too much or rambling on! It's what we're here to do and its how we all get to know each other  :)

I sometimes feel like my depression has actually, in some ways changed me for the better!!!!! Not in ALL ways, obviously... I shall explain 

Before my depression was diagnosed I was very unhappy for months (no surprise there!) but I was working full time in a number of 9-5 office jobs. I believed I had to work full time, it was the only way I could be a worthwhile person... besides, we needed the money! That was a massive factor in putting off going to the doctors and seeking help - I felt if someone confirmed it then it would be real.... Two days after I went to the doctors last year, I quit my job. That was in August - I know now, I will never work in an office again!! Its not for me - and I found it out the hard way. In April this year, I started doing very very part-time bank work in a local care home which I worked in years ago and I love it! Its exhausting, its emotionally draining at times and yes, it does mean wiping old peoples bottoms!! BUT I am doing something worthwhile and that I know I am good at - not the wiping bottoms in paticular  but the engaging with the people - making them feel valued and comfortable - that is so important. I have also made an amazing friend who I work night shifts with and we just clicked from the moment we met  :) If I hadn't had the wind knocked out of me with the depression then I wouldnt be back there...

I've always been quite a quiet person but all of this definetly has made me more anxious - I couldnt step out of my front door at the beginning of this year! I still need someone with me when I go out and the thought of driving my own car fills me with such anxiety and dread! I have an amazing fiance though and I really do beleive that our relationship has grown stronger through all of this. He has admitted that he doesn't always understand it, but he does understand if I need to sleep - I sleep, no questions asked! I have also found hobbies I love - baking and gardeining!! (the latter, i never ever thought i'd enjoy!) but the hobbies I had before have become harder - especially writing. BUT I havent given up hope there, I'm trying a little bit at a time  :)

There are still really really low points, its not gonna go away over night! But depression has made me realise what I need and want out of life - ok, so it means I will probably never work full time again and that we won't be as well off as we would be if I did go back to earning a full time wage, but so what?! We have coped for months with only an ESA payment coming in from my side.... anthing else I earn is a bonus! 

Ok... everyone that has read this can have thier own sick bucket!  But please, realise that when you are out of the darkest depths of this, things can be better - even better than they were before this illness!

x

[Zaf]

Munchroom that is so very inspiring, my latest (and current) episode of depression has made me question what I want out of life - and its certainly not trying to juggle long hours at work and caring for sick parents/parents in law on top of trying to keep up with housework and gardening etc - after my counselling yesterday I decided that 2 or 3 hours every afternoon will be MINE, totally non-negotiable unless its a life-or-death crisis.

[cornish]

 "£"   hmm basically ruined my life, thats the only was i can see it, nothing positive has come from it except maybe a bit of wight loss.  mines a bit more complicated than just depression, it started with ptsd, then i ended up with major depression and clinical psychosis. lost most and possibly all my friends and have no social life, all im able to do is work and thats getting harder everyday, but i work far too many hours to try n burn my self out. i start the day with 5 tablets and have at least 3 more but sometimes up to 10 more. thats not including sleeping tablets and that can be up to 15 to even get some sleep, there only herbal so there pretty safe.
im constantly paranoid and for the past few days all ive eaten is sherbert, seeds and lollipops and ice lollys. did manage to have some rice after munchroom encouraged me a bit. i end up self harming most days when i cant have and diazepam due to work and am pretty suicidal.  sorry but i think i could rant on for hours

[lightenup]

Hi Cornish the thing is you need to try and be bloody minded about this, I am on a bit of a rollercoaster today have felt crap all day, forced myself to go out and food shop with hubby, but the anxiety has me turning now I am invincible having a few red $%$   I know its not good but it will take of the edge on so many meds I feel I could rattle.  But my mantra is I am going to beat this sh*t someday  

Tomorrow I will have a different answer that's the bugger about all this, I also wish I could practice what I preach.  Logical mind v illogical   

[cornish]

i am stubborn, very stubborn and strong willed, i doubt i would still be here if i wasn't 

ive always been a huge pessimist and a few weeks ago i said to my mother  " f**k it im not bothering with a pension any more, im not going to need one as this illness is going to kill me or ill do it my self soon enough*   really regret saying it but i really do believe i wont make it though this

i really cant practice what i preach, i know what i should do but dont do it

[smirfy21]

depression has changed my life dramatically. before suffering from this condition I was a happy normal teenager with my whole life ahead of me and never in a million years did I think that I would become someone with multiple mental health conditions.
I now suffer from bulimia, bipolar and OCD tendancies. I struggle to hold down my studies or a job, my memory is completely shot and I dont have any friends.
I HATE my life however that is not to say that I want to end it because although my condition has taken everything else from me I still have a family to live for.
smirfy