Hi, I'm new and need help

[devil1]

I need some help, so please bare with me while I get to the problem I face....I've experienced bad depression - I was sectioned at one point after a relationship ended but the end of that relationship was the final straw, it added to a collection of problems I had at the time - I was in a pretty bad way back then (that was 8-9 years ago now) but before that I had also been depressed - I've been depressed on and off since I was 15-16 - I'm now 32. When I was depressed at that time I was quite tearful and had many crying episodes, wasn't thinking clearly and tried to end it, but now it seems that my depression has moved on, or evolved into something different - I don't get teary or have any crying episodes and when I think about ending it, I'm thinking calmly about it and feel as though I am thinking clearly.

I have a situation that I know I can't get out. Over a decade ago I had a goal to be free of all my problems (social anxiety, BDD, depression) but that hasn't materialised, if anything, it's got worse - all these problems have held me back  in life and that depresses me - I see people my age with decent jobs, married and having kids - I still live at home, work part time, don't have any qualifications, can't support myself, I used to have loads of friends but now only keep in touch with two and probably see them once or twice a year - all of tgis is a result of my mental state. I daren't go out in fear of bumping into someone I know and the dreaded questions rear their ugly heads "so what are you doing now? where do you live?" I can't handle answering those questions because I am so ashamed of the truthful answers.  I want a decent job but that isn't going to happen until I am better psychologically - I have no confidence, no self-esteem, can hardly look people in the face and on top of all that I'm obsessed about my appearance and how I look. I'm embarrassed about how I'm far too skinny, I've tried weight training but still can't grow.

Right, back to the point of this thread  - what kind of depression do I have? I mentioned earlier that my first expereinces with depression were all about feeling down and crying and not being able to think straight, but that has now moved on to something totally different. Now I feel down just about all the time, I think about ending it, how I would do it, but as I said - I feel calm and I feel as though I am thinking clearly and rationally, can anyone relate to this? this depression feels different somehow.

I know that my depression will not lift until I have a good job, until I'm free of the anxiety and the BDD, but I just don't see any of this ever happening. On the rare occassion I do feel ok, I feel guilty for that as no 32 year old with such a &$%+ life deserves to feel happy - that might sound stupid but it's how I feel.


I'm not on any meds and I'm not being treated either though I've been thinking about going back to the docs.

If anyone's gopt anything to add then go for it and I'm particularly interested in why my depression has changed. Thanks for reading.  +=-

[jessicaxx]

Hi
I'm 31 yrs old, Ive had depression for a long time, think my earliest memories was at around 7. Yes, I totally empathise with what you said, about getting worse. With yours though, are you constantly in this state or do you go through bouts? For example with me I'm often seriosuly depressed for weeks, sometimes even months then I pick up. Sometimes within a week I can one day be ok, the next in total hysteria!
I also understand what you mean by the calm of ending it. But this is also the trick I found for me what helps me survive. I have end dates. Each time Im low I decide Ive have enough, i just want to stop the pain, the thought of ending it is sooo peaceful. But because ive accepted the end, I decide to do the little things i never quite got round to doing, ie read that book i keep meaning to read, or watch the dvd i never got round to reading I also go for walks and for some reason everything seems so beutiful (ie the trees etc), I also seem to be able to chat positively to people. Psychologically whats happening is because Im being positive, then positive things are happening. By the time of my end date, I actually genuinely forget that date.
Please dont get me wrong, yes all these supposedly self help books tell you, you need to do the above etc, but when i try to do them in my normal state (ie a depresive one), i dont as can't seem to. But its only when I have my end date that I seem able to.
I know its tough, i dont know what you beleive but i beleive that 'i am here for a reason'. 
I can't really give advice here as feel the same as you, but all i can offer is that there is another soul out there who understands what you are going through. Yes I do feel isolated (I literally have no friends, I hide myself away in my house, paranoid and too scared to enter the big bad world when in a very depressed state), but you are not alone. Especially in forums as this, were all here for the same reason, what ever degree of depression we have or for whatever reason.
Why do you feel you deserve not to be happy? And no its not a stupid question. Am just curious.
Hopefully I havnt waffled too much!
 

[kern]

Hello ^&*

  I couldn’t possibly tell you what type of depression you have. (Sorry)  All I know is it comes in many different forms and can be extreme or mild. It depends really. Perhaps a Good professional would give you better insight in to the type of depression. (Come to think of it I don’t know my own type of depression) I personally just think the older we get the calmer our depression can become.
  Maybe, when you where younger you where also panicking in your depression.
I have had depression since I was young but I have never been the teary or emotional, my whole depression life has been of quite angry or calm thoughts.
Only when I panic do I become emotional.
   I do however understand the Embarrassment due to suffering from depression.
The vision I have of my future is… well a bit poop really. I don’t want to explain all that to the people who knew a different me.
The avoiding of public situations well…having agoraphobia helps a lot with not seeing people. The friend that I do have knows nothing really about me. Half the time she thinks I’m just moody.
I have the same goal. to be free of all my problems, not instantly but gradually so that I can start a family or at least start to try for one, but… Yes you guessed I’m still stuck in the same rut I was in. Except now: I’m older, fatter and more disappointed in myself! Due to the fact I’m older and fatter and still depressed. 

“Trapped in the inward spiral of doom.” As I lovingly call it.

All I can offer you an un-judgemental and understanding ear.
At least here you can say the things you can't in “public” the animosity of the net can be quite helpful in its self.

I’m sorry I couldn’t help.

Ttfn ♥  +=-