How are you feeling today?

[cornish]

Anxious, overwhelmed and tearful

Determined to try to stick to Plan A but the world is throwing so much at me that I'm not sure if I can even though I know I need to

just let it all out my dear.  &*( thinking of you



had a bad night, didn't sleep at all and resorted to si.   i think i said about a cut being infected, well problem solved, i just cut a huge chunk around it out and now its not infected   

[Zaf]

Thanks cornish :)

omg that sounds drastic, are you telling your mdical team about all the si?

[cornish]

no problem at all my dear you've been there for me plenty of times


yeah they know about it all and i will tell them about this.   its hard for me to hide it from them as a lot of it is now happening on my hands

[Zaf]

Its good you are telling them, I really wish I could help you escape from the nightmare you are experiencing

I've made lists (part of plan A) which has at least stopped me feeling tearful for a while, I'm not sure if its helped me feel less overwhelmed but at least its made me feel I shouldnt forget anything important and added some sort of structure to what needs doing.

I am going for lunch later which atm I dont feel like going but I'm committed to taking a couple of people who cant drive and I know when I get there I will probably be pleased I went.

[cornish]

thanks  wish i could help you too

[Lol]

Zaf I'm really sorry you are feeling tearful and overwhelmed at the moment this is so disappointing for you. You know that better feelings will come so hold on, I know it is very difficult in the here and now. I think your lunch will help to pull you out a bit once you are there. Don't have too many expectations about it and try to relax before and during as much as you can.

Cornish I'm sorry you had a bad night and si'd again. What thoughts and feelings made you do this? How is it looking now?
How are you feeling in yourself? The medication that knocks you out and causes you to sleep more deeply - is that extra rest helping you in any way? What you are going through sounds exhausing for your body and your mind in equal measures.
How are you getting on with your mum at the moment?

Sorry for all the questions! 

[cornish]

just didn't want to have to go to my gp for more than one reason, its a release to si and diy surgery seems "normal" and the right thing to do. so out comes the infected bit, yeah it was bloody painful and messy but its all sorted now 

the extra rest is not nice as it doesn't seem like proper sleep

i now also have a triangle on my hand with the middle bit removed, its bloody deep and can see the white "fat" layer.  just felt like the pain im feeling needed to be expressed and a triangle seemed like it represented it, points for the pain and straight lines are the just the same old !£"$% everyday.

not really spoken all weekend, she did offer to make me some lunch but i just rejected it, quite politely. im normally really blunt.

[Lol]

Your si was a release to the worry you were feeling over your gp appointment and the pain you struggle with internally. It worked both as a release and to excise the infected bit. You have a lot of pain and expressing it any other way is difficult and doesn't seem anough. si is a release. I understand your explanation of the triangle. Makes sense. It does sound very deep and painful  How long does the release of si last?

Is it a good thing that you were more polite to your mum? It sounds it. It was nice to offer to make you lunch  :)

[BladeRunner]

Same again, don't get my stuff done, no real help, when I ask my parents I'm feelin brushed off, and now I furthermore have to go to a family celebration  And my foot is killing me - really annoying pain as soon as I stand up or walk, not very good, I hope this turns out well 

[cornish]

the release lasts minuits/hours, depends on what i do, i put pressure on some of the wounds to get more pain, i keep a cut on my left hand by my thumb so that when i rub my hands with anxiety it causes pain as well

[Lol]

the release lasts minuits/hours, depends on what i do, i put pressure on some of the wounds to get more pain, i keep a cut on my left hand by my thumb so that when i rub my hands with anxiety it causes pain as well

I'm glad you have a release Cornish. What is the longest you have been without si?

[cornish]

just under 23 years    but probably a few days at most and thats a huge struggle not to. its a fairly regular thing to do a minor si. the bad stuff is probably.. hmm actually almost weekly, mainly weekends

[smirfy21]

Cornish I am concerned for you and the damage that the SH must be doing, I am really concerned that you are going to bleed out and we will lose you. I know from experiance that SH is addictive, a great release and bloody painful which is why its so affective. Is this something you are getting help for??

Im feeling more and more low as the weeks go by, I have asked for help as this cannot go on but its a lengthy process and I fear that I might simply decide to end it all, I fantasise about it and death is no longer something that scares me.

smirfy

[Zaf]

Unfortuately I really didnt enjoy lunch out that much and got home to find David ad to cope with all our animals during a horribly long and loud firework display with the damned rockets going off right over our stables and he field the horses were in, they were going crazy and the dogs were all huddled together in a corner absolutely terrified.  I now feel guilty I wasnt here to help

I did all my lists this morning but I still feel overwhelmed with what I perceive to be a mountain of work and things to do,  the world just wont give me any peace and time for my spiritual side and seems to be doing its best to stop the butterfly emerging, I feel dreadfully unsettled atm

[Got]

I havnt any sensible advice concerning this....i can only offer my wishes for you to improve.