How are you feeling today?

[Lol]

Hi Cornish I'm so pleased to hear from you.  :)

I think Smirfy was meaning that everyone was 'being great' supportive as in, rather than feeling great?

I'm glad your psychologist is supporting you so well.
Why do you feel like you are dragging everyone in around you?

[Got]

Thanks for that LOL.

When I pushed her, I wasn't feeling anything much other than confusion. It wasn't pre-meditated. I was exceptionally drunk and increadinly depressed. I barely remember it. Ever since it has happened I have been worse...I have sunk into a spiral of depression and my OCD has being feeding off it. I have even been hospitalised.

I have tried to explain, but she isnt interested...she hates me for what I have done to her, and I understand, because she was deeply in love with me. Its hard for me to write this but she was raped, and so when I pushed her she was very scared, and I only remember the words 'not again'. If I am to be honest I wake up every night thinking about this, I have repeated dreams that she is drowning and I try to save her...I do not know why I dream this.

I am  both upset for myself, and profoundly distressed by what I have done to her, and I cannot come to terms with what I have done, no matter how hard I try.

I do not know why I have behaved the way I have, but I have lost all my self confidence as a result, I have lost all faith in a happy furture, and I am really, really missing her. It hurts me so much that she hates me, but I can't blame her. She thinks I am eveil now, and I completly understand why.

I have never been a bully or a domestic abuser, I cannot explain how lost I have become....and how sad I am by what has happened. 

[Lol]

Your action was one of confusion. You were confused about how you were feeling at the time. You weren't expecting to do it and you had never wished to before. Your drunkenness was accentuating your feelings of depression and in confusion and frustration you pushed your girlfriend in a state of lowered inhibitions. Was there an argument at the time?

Your girlfirend was once raped and has memories of being man-handled. Your pushing her triggered some of those memories and she is very oversensitive about anything like that. She has had an acute stress reaction to your action because of a personal experience of hers that didn't involve you at all. Some of the feelings she felt or has been feeling toward this personal experience that didn't involve you, have re appeared towards you when you did an action that she felt was sufficiently simelar to trigger the same stress reaction in relation to her rape, or thoughts surrounding the rape.

Your explanations have not been enough to satisfy her anxiety over this situtaion and you feel she hates you for having done something simelar to raping her. You can not come to terms with how she feels this way because you did not try to rape her and I'm guessing you are feeling really quite offended that she has reacted like you had? It is difficult for you to come to terms with triggering those memories for her because you love her and you know how incredibly difficult they are for her, but you did not intend anything like that. Although you know that you should not have shoved her at all.

It is difficult to find that some one you love and who loves you associated a push with memories of rape. But you know that any form of physical overpowering is wrong in what ever form thay take on.

Your girlfriend is, quite rightly, suffering from her own torturous thought processes and reactions surrounding her heinous experience and I wonder if she is seeking help for this herself?

You have not commited the same act that your girlfriend is afraid of. But until she finds a way to deal with what happened to her, she may not be able to disassociate you from previous experiences. Did your girlfriend gain the necessary help she needed after her rape?

Although you are well aware that any type of overpowering be it physical or mental, is most certainly wrong, you feel you are being driven towards a desire to do it for reasons out of your control, whilst at the same time feeling that it was unjust that she reacted so because of something from her past that you would never do.

You are feeling angry, ashamed, confused and regretful. These are normal reactions and ones that you must explore. This is a very difficult and confusing time for you and you wish more than anthing to make it stop and take it back.

If you want to talk more about it here please do.

[Got]

I dont feel angry towards her at all. I completly understand how she feels and the damage I have done to her. I dont feel she has got the neccesary help, ánd whenever I tried to suggest she should, she became angry.

All I want to do is make things better. It may be selfish of me, but I want to take care of her fix things. I want to be with her to make sure she is safe.The fact I have done the opposite is compeltly ego dystonic to me.

She is incapable of understanding that I am sick, or even that I feel any pain at all and maybe she never will. If she could understand the situation she we could become friends, but she doesnt understand and I cannot hold that gainst her. I am upset and worried about what I have done to her and I cannot face the depression/stress/anxiety/nightmares I have about this every moment of the day/night.

I have tried suicide, drink, counciling, crisis team etc etc....I havent improved and I dont know how I am going to. But i am trying my best. I hope one day she will realise that I am the same person who she loved, and that when I was behaving the way I was I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

[Zaf]

Hi all,

Just wanted to say that since joining this forum I have been feeling a little more positive about things, I think helps to know that I am not alone so thank you. Maybe I am just having a good couple of days, I dunno but I am going to try to make the most of it while it lasts, I'm sure things will go back down hill eventually .

I think it could be because I am looking forward to my friend coming back from his holiday (we used to date each other when I was 17 (he was 18), had a happy relationship with him for 4 years, he was my 1st love then I fell out of love with him (not entirely sure why - young and silly maybe, thought grass was greener)). He has always been there for me and is great when I am feeling at rock bottom, somehow he seems to manage lift me up out of the darkness when I see him. Anyway, i have been thinking about him lately and I have been missing him.....maybe I didn't actually fall out of love with him  ???

I feel a bit guilty as u all seem to be having such a hard time of it at the mo and I hope I haven't offended anyone by writing this, I am just enjoying my up time and just wanted to share it :)

It certainly doesnt offend me to hear someone being happy and positive,  it reminds me that it is possible to get back to feeling better so do keep telling us when you feel good :)

[Zaf]

Stevie, could you write to her or ask a friend to explain about depression?

[Zaf]

no different really; tired and down

[Lol]

Zaf is right Stevie sometimes putting it down on paper is beneficial because she can't run away from that, she can read and re read it at her own pace. People don't tend to pick up letters and read them unless they intend to digest the content.

[danbob]

feelin ok today to be honest, the only thing gettin me down is im struggling to lose the weight i gained on my medication

[Got]

Tried it, I am talking to a brick wall. If she thinks something, there is nothing youc an do to change her mind. I will be years before she will speak to me again. I can't blame her for that.

[danbob]

Tried it, I am talking to a brick wall. If she thinks something, there is nothing youc an do to change her mind. I will be years before she will speak to me again. I can't blame her for that.

chin up matey, im sure things with start to resolve themselves soon :)

[Got]

Yes I shouldnt whine unless I really need to...it isn't good. Positive thinking!! Take command of ourselves!!!! 

[Got]

feelin ok today to be honest, the only thing gettin me down is im struggling to lose the weight i gained on my medication

What medication was you on? Mitzapine makes me eat like a maniac. I do lots of exercise now which helps.

[danbob]

feelin ok today to be honest, the only thing gettin me down is im struggling to lose the weight i gained on my medication

What medication was you on? Mitzapine makes me eat like a maniac. I do lots of exercise now which helps.

i was on venlafaxine.... i lost my appetite completely but gained over a stone on it  

[BladeRunner]

Really &$%+ty today - even more stress coming up, will be really difficult and I don't exactly know how to pull through some things. Damn  "£"