How are you feeling today?

[cornish]

 doesnt feel like an achievement, i still feel terrible and if i cant enjoy time off work then what is the point ?

[Lol]

I think the point is you're ages away from 'enjoying' the weekend. It is about 'healing'. You have just nursed yourself. It was really important.

[cornish]

im not sure ill ever come close to enjoying anything ever again, i cant even let my self heal physically, i do more damage to my body every day and dont let that heal as i constantly pick at the wounds. im constantly mentally tortured so how the hell will i recover from that ? to me its the same principal.

[Lol]

You have enjoyed peoples art in recent posts. You have come close to enjoying and you have enjoyed.

Not letting your physical si injuries heal is an expression of your internal pain, it is si. You are doing more damage to your body daily. You wont let them heal. You have not healed on the inside. Your internal turmoil never stops. it overspills. you can't contain it with sheer will. It spills out. Another way of spilling out is through talking and writing. Explaining and describing. Acknowledging and expressing. At the moment your si is your silent and private way of doing this.

You will learn a less physical way to cope. It will come. You will start to recover and you will enjoy things again.

[cornish]

yeah but only very rarely.

talking has helped a bit

the worrying thing for me is i may not recover its unlikely i wont but it is possible, im not being dramatic

[Lol]

You are certainly not being dramatic Cornish. What is happening to you is extremely dramatic. You are not embellishing anything. You are not letting much out but it is clear that you are going through the most difficult period of your life. More difficult than most of the population have ever experienced. And you are dealing with it on your own. and from within yourself. It is a great worry that you will never recover. I am worried that you will never recover and you worry about it all the time. It is a possibility and that is very frightening for you. It is unlikely that you will never recover from this. It is more likely that you will be well again. Talking helps. I'm glad you feel talking helps. It makes me worry less to see that you have said talking has helped a bit. You have started to talk and it has been extremely difficult for you. Each time you talk you are afraid of what the person will think and do and it is frightening. Talking has helped a little bit though. I'm glad that you have enjoyed some things recently, other peoples strength and tallent is inspiring. People can be remarkable as they fight their battles. I find you remarkable. This is the most difficult thing you have ever been faced with.

[smirfy21]

its been a while since checking in hear as I have transfered university's and convinced myself that this whole bipolar experiance was just a stage and that I had made the whole thing up; however it would seem that I did not make it up and that infact it is very real and I will always live with it whether I want to or not.

I hate this condition with a vengeance and I hate that I will live with the stigma of a mental health condition. people don't or want to understand our condition and I find that really hard to live with because I am no different to anybody else other than the fact that I experiance life a little bit differently, I am of no harm to anyone other than on the very rare occasion myself.

I guess I am at that stage of exceptance of myself and finding ways of living with myself and I'm not sure that I like the way other people treat those with mental health conditions, any advice would be really appreciated.
smirfy

[Zaf]

Hi guys, totally exhausted this morning despite 8 hours uninterrupted sleep and I know I have two busy days ahead which I'm dreading.

Cornish, some of the weekend you showed a lot of positivity, the photos of off roading and talking about land rovers for instance, I do wonder if taking a whole weekend off was a step too far, perhaps just one whole day off at a time might be better?  lol's comments and advice are well worth listening to, as usual he talks a great deal of sense in a way thats easily understandable.

lol, I think you're amazing, you are dealing with your own problems but find the time, compassion and strenght to support us all

Smirfy, I only tell people about my illness that I think will understand, those that do are amazing and incredibly supporting; those that I dont feel will understand I dont tell, I simply tell them I am suffering from exhaustion and getting treatment from the doc; possibly a cowards way out but usually the only way I can cope with their biased views when I'm depressed.

Forgive me if I lurk for a day or two or not my usual self, I really do feel ghastly at the moment

[Munchroom]

Cornish - what about out conversations on Saturday?? Your desire to go to Poland? The funny story about you in a blonde wig? Benji nattering away at the tv? I wasn't talking then to the same person I was talking to even a month ago!!  :) You are making progress my love and in time you will improve. Remember this? 'When we are 'ok', we can never imagine being as low as we get. But when we are low, we can't remember what it is like to feel 'ok'!' It is so true!!

You have done an amazing thing this weekend - as Lol pointed out, it wasn't about 'enjoying' the weekend, it was about healing! You ate something, you watched a film - you made small but very important improvements!! Please do not idly brush them aside because they are huge achievements!

The SI is so hard to overcome - in my experience, it almost becomes habitual. All of this recovery isn't about waking up one day and suddenly being better - so much of it is about learning to cope! Friday morning, I was in the bath and I had to really really resist the urge to not self harm. The only thing stopping me was the fact I was going to work later on in the day and we cannot wear anything on our arms and I know the person i was working with would pick up on it... Like you, I am a picker, even if its not SI, I cannot leave anything alone, so.... it doesnt heal  In the end, I got out of the bath pretty quickly because I knew I would just end up cutting somewhere else -  but one day, you will be able to have the strength to be able to stop yourself or to be able to do something slightly less damaging. xx

[Lol]

OK everybody. Here goes Monday. Good luck to everybody. find something positive in today, even if you just ate a nice sandwich at lunch time, and tell us all about it tonight. (I have relate tonight so I'd better do that before!!!) thinking of you all.

[cornish]

Thanks for all the support this past weekend guys n gals, really appreciate it.   Looking back I can see some positives but to me it's all outweighed by the negatives. I was a total mess and barely copeing by Sunday mid day, at that time I think I came on here and just vented, I just had to or I would have gone over the edge.

Well now I'm back at work I'm seeing the worst in everything again and the labourer is being a bit of a dick today and won't listen to what I say, yet again. I really don't need the extra stress, all I asked him to do is screw 4 lights to the ceiling and I'll come and wire them in an hour or two, so far today he's done nothing and the lights and the job I'm doing both need to be done today. If it hadn't been for the weekend I could have delt with this but today I dunno if I can

[cornish]

Oh and it's nice to hear from you again smirfy



One other thing I feel very selfish at the moment as I just seem to take take take and I'm not really giveing anything back sorry for this but I just worry I say the wrong things and could end up hurting someone

[Depina]

Hi Lol
A bit better than I was a few days ago,  thanks, but the extra 10 Citalopram isn't working - yet. Too soon I suppose
It was a good evening thanks, they made a really lovely meal.
I am so fortunate to have good friends, they don't know how bad I can be but they do realise something isn't quite right as I can tell from their expressions sometimes !
Haven't been able to read the posts unfortunately,only snippets, you know why, it is lovely of you to think of me.Bless you. Hope you are feeling better?
Zaf,sorry to hear you are not too good
Thinking of you Cornish,Munch, too many to mention
HUGS and Love from me 2 U XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  &*(

[Lol]

Cornish this labourer sounds like a tit. YOu don't have to deal with him today. If the job doesn't get done because he hasn't done something he was supposed to do it is his fault not yours. You can let it go when people do this. It is frustrating but you can be kind to yourself by just letting it go. Make his superior aware that he is holding you up, pass that responsibility on.

I'm very glad you vented in here yesterday and that it stopped you from going over the edge. Your negatives do outweigh your positives and it will be that way for a long time yet. But having positives during such a negative time in your life is progress. You can see your progress. You are not expected to have positives outweigh your negatives yet, it's too soon for that, just to have some positives is a significant and important improvement.

Whilst you are venting and explaining and expressing yourself you are helping others as well as yourself. That you take something away is good, but you are simply having a conversation and easing the valve on you pressure cooker of pent op frustration. It helps me that we can all be open with each other and gives me the courage to do the same. I think everyone feels like this. You are actually helping yourself.

I'm not surprised you are seeing the worst in everything today. This week end has been very hard for you. You are exhausted and that's what we do when we're exhausted so I think it's on par for the course. To be expected. WIth depression every achievement pays a price, you have made a big acheivement this weekend, but it really took it out on you. One day when you are free of your illness, weekends of acheivement will boost you onwards and upwards. But not yet. For the time being you are doing just fine.

[Lol]

Zaf what a shame that despite all that lovely sleep you are still exhausted. I hate it when that happens. I know you have got some stressful things to cope with this week. Good luck with those. I hope that dealing with them brings relief. Thank you for your kind words. I don't feel I am doing any more than you all do for me. It is amazing in here.