How are you feeling today?

[cornish]

yeah mee too. the levels of support and the lengths some members go to to help others has really touched me.

i have a hue phone phobia too, i keep "breaking" my mobile so i dont have to bother turning it on

hopefully it is what you need and good luck with it




one of the blokes at work who has always been pretty supportive of me noticed some of my SI and was extremely concerned, i cant remember if i said but in the emergency appointment i had last week, the noticed one of the cuts and wanted to get it looked at, really not liking the look of it my self now, its blatantly obvious that its si and there is no way in hell i could accidently do what i did to my hand and im pretty sure part of its going to be a scar for life

[Lol]

Cornish when you are well your si scars will be battle scars of the war you won. Don't worry about that. It is natural for other people to be worried. It's natural for you to be worried. No one is freaking out and ringing the town bell to alert everybody though are they?! I think, that the person you are, is shining through so much, and it is obviously some one to be admired and loved, that no one needs to ring the town bell because they know that you, the amazing person you are (and you have amazed me alot) are handling it and they don't need to. That is pretty powerful.

How are you feeling so far about no work tomorrow? I'm thinking about you and I'm here for you.

[cornish]

hopefully your right but i dont feel like the person you described.
everyone keeps saying im strong but i dont believe them, i just think they say it to make me feel better,  i weak i give into the bad side and do thinks that i know are damaging to my health and worse.

really really anxious, i know its going to be really hard but im stubborn and im not leaving the house till monday morning

[Zaf]

I love how supportive this place is   The weekly local paper comes out every Friday and I always look at the jobs. It's been about 3 months since I've actually contacted people about their adverts though. Tonight there's a nice sounding local job that might not be too stressful so I was considering phoning (a huge phobia of mine, my phone's been on call divert for months) and my partner's just looked at me and said "please phone up about the job tomorrow, it might be just what you need" so I guess that's what my big goal for tomorrow is. Today I am feeling nervous as hell.

...

Just checking it's location, the shop's way to far away. Today I am feeling disappointed. Partner's playing xbox and I'm about ready to throttle him, I think this is about the fifth time he's asked me to apply for a job so I prepare myself but then find out the job's a million miles away. He doesn't know about the preparation I have to do and the tiny glimmer of hope that this'll be the job to sort out my problems. Meh!

Thats a real shame

I dont think people realise how much we need to prepare for things they dont have any problem with, if I have to make a difficult phone call I write what I need to say first, it helps me not to get too flustered

[Zaf]

hopefully your right but i dont feel like the person you described.
everyone keeps saying im strong but i dont believe them, i just think they say it to make me feel better,  i weak i give into the bad side and do thinks that i know are damaging to my health and worse.

really really anxious, i know its going to be really hard but im stubborn and im not leaving the house till monday morning

To have got through so far shows your strength, I feel a pathetic wimp a lot of the time especially when I want to curl up under my duvet and let the world go by or when it takes me half a day to psych myself up to make a phone call or go for an appointment; I've avoided making one call since Wednesday but I know I'll have to do it next week and even thinking about it I'm feeling anxious

But if I look back I can see I've made progress, much of it with the help of the lovely people here, but some of it because I have been determined to get well and made myself do things I didnt want to, for thst I've had to be strong, just as you are being strong this weekend.

I'll pop in as often as I can over the weekend and will help as much as I can if you need support xxx

[Lol]

Cornish it's horrible when people are telling you you're strong and you know you are not. That happens to me all the time. I'm labelled as the strong one so everyting and anything is expected to be ok by me, I'll be able to handle it. But what you really want to say is that you feel like a child inside. Lost, unable, vulnerable and insecure. You don't WANT to have to handle it. The person I describe you as, I still think you are, you certainly seem strong on the outside, but I know on the inside you are not. But what you are is capable. There is a difference. If there is an emergency, like the crisis you are battling through now, you are capable of finding a way to cope with it. But this doesn't mean you are strong, that it's ok, that you want to. You feel powerless to it on the inside, but you are capable of coping. Stobborn and capable! The perfect mix!

It is Saturday moring. You would normally be at work. How are you feeling and how are you coping?

[Zaf]

is that not strength lol?

[Munchroom]

I think Lols description fits the majority of us and it is strength, but having depression and having such a low level of self belief in ourselves means we don't view it as strength and we are more vulnerable and things do effect us more than they would someone else.

I know myself - when I have to pull it out of the bag and be 'strong' - support someone else or do something scary then I can do it and I can do it well (because I have to do it well, if I've made the effort then I have to push myself and do it better than expected or excel at it...  ), but it takes so much effort where usually, it wouldn't have, that I am left feeling exhausted, vulnerable and very very low.

Thats probably just garbled rubbish 

I did the evening shift last night....  I came home and told Chris that if I ever inform him that I am going in to work and evening shift again, he is to do whatever it takes to keep me home.... tie me up/fake my death/keep me hostage - anything!! IT WAS MANIC!!! And I can't cope with all of the 'office politics' and bitching that goes on.... I didn't sleep brillianty because of this cough either so... lazy day today methinks!!

[Angelina]

Today I thought I'd do something else brave seeing as there was no phone call to make. It sounds silly, but my brave act of today was to go to a bookshop I've never been in by myself. I really wanted to go but it shuts before my boyfriend gets home today so I thought I'd try to go anyway. I almost gave up when I went up to it and it has a house front door that was shut, I have a weird thing about doors. I like to know in advance which way they open and how much strength is needed so I'm less likely to make a fool of myself fighting a door. But I just stared at the "we're open" sign and forced myself to go in. It was heaven in there, 5 rooms of second hand books and I spent almost an hour looking through. If only they needed somebody to work there, it would be perfect.

My opinion on strength is that we're all strong if we're still going. If you get google to define strength the third definition is


The emotional or mental qualities necessary in dealing with situations or events that are distressing or difficult
- many people find strength in religion
- it takes strength of character to admit one needs help

Doesn't that sum up everybody battling with depression? We're fighting with what life's throwing at us, or even what our own mind is throwing at us. We find it harder than most to keep going, but we're still doing it and that makes us stronger than most. Even asking for help is brave, it means we want to fight the depression that's too hard to fight alone. My little thoughts today while I'm back hiding in the house til my boyfriend's home :)

[cornish]

well done angelina, thats a huge step


i think you have the description spot on munch.


hmmm im not working and ive only just managed to drag my self out of bed and ive just used the kettle for the first time in about 6 months, maybe more, i dont like the noise it makes and it shakes when it boiled and i just worry its about to explode   but its another step foward and im makeing couscous, first time ive made my self a meal (well its not a proper meal but its a step) in a very long time. i dont want it but i will eat it i need it

[Munchroom]

Oh wow Angelina... that bookshop sounds like heaven!! Whereabouts are you? (roughly) There is  HUGE bookbarn just outside of Bristol and it has shelves and shelves and shelves of old books, all £1 each!!    Its also very quiet!! 

As Cornish has said - well done!! I have suffered with agrophobia for over a year and I know only too well how doing something like that can be so unexplainably terrifying! You have done really really well though, so I think even if you do 'hide away' you can do it with immense pride!  :)

Cornish - you continue to make me (and I'm sure everyone else!) so proud of you!! You are doing so well 

[Lol]

I don't know if it is strength or not? I personally want to shout 'I'm not strong I just keep getting forced into being!!!!!' When you don't feel strong on the inside but you're capable of continuing because you HAVE to on the outside is that necessarily strength? It doesn't feel like it?? Does strength essentialy have to come from within? To me it feels like it does.

Cornish you're doing so well. It's Saturday afternoon, you're not at work, you're doing it! You've tackled the kettle and made cous cous! You're amazing me again today.  *&^

I think we are all particularly brave at the moment.

Alstare how are you doing?

[Angelina]

Well done Cornish! It's a huge step that you should feel proud of. Now I want couscous and I've just eaten cake even though I'm trying to lose weight. I might have a little bit...

Oooh I could get to Bristol, my Mum doesn't live too far from there and I have to pick up stuff from her house on Monday. I'm currently in Dorset, the land of cows and not many jobs.

I know what you mean Lol about HAVING to continue. When I was in hospital earlier this year they said to me "If you're so depressed how do you manage to work full time?" and my answer was because I have to, I spent the time at work smiling and putting up the front, then I went home and cried myself to sleep. If I didn't work I would have ended up on the street and my boyfriend would have also had no money. And it was strength, my strength ran out and I gave up. I ended up in hospital and spent two days crying and annoying the nurses and doctors because I wanted to have the curtains around my bed to hide and when the doctors asked how I was I refused to answer. My strength gave up and so did I. So it is strength to carry on even if it's because of a need. I'd do anything to give up again, I lie in bed and night begging the universe that I won't wake up the next day. But I couldn't hurt my partner again by giving up so I carry on.

You're all brave, and my opinion is the law 

[Munchroom]

Oooh I could get to Bristol, my Mum doesn't live too far from there and I have to pick up stuff from her house on Monday. I'm currently in Dorset, the land of cows and not many jobs.

I'm probably not too far from you in all honesty.... I live on the Dorset border in a little village about 1/2 an hour from Yeovil (Urgh!)
Dorset IS beautiful  :) I'm Cornish, but I have to admit, the Dorset coastline takes a lot of beating!! 

[Angelina]

I'm in a little town about 45 minutes from Yeovil, it is beautiful here and as a horse lover it's a great place. Once I have money the first thing I'll do is start riding again as I had to stop a few months ago due to money. I have the perfect Dorset life in my head, just need a little luck and a lot of effort to make it a reality, so I keep playing the lottery!

This is the first forum I've properly joined, I usually just lurk like a crazy stalker too scared to post anything. If my stupid brain zaps go away (why did they not warn me about this when I started the medication?!) I'm going to brave town again with my boyfriend, I've been in this house 5 months leaving it about twice a week besides going to my medical people and I want to feel human again