How are you feeling today?

[Alstare1974]

Cornish

Thanks. I'll look into it. Sorry didn't know your story.

[Zaf]

Zaf if you're watching, today's nearly over! You have got through it, you will hopefully be able to sleep tonight, and tomorrow is a new day. maybe you will feel better than today? who knows. Did you do too much yesterday while you felt better? Can be a trigger for a few dodgy days if you 'siezed the moment' and did too much can't it? Thinking of youl.

Thanks lol, I think I know what has triggered it, one thing out of my control and the other partly so, I know I'm going to have a stressful and tiring couple of days then hopefully things will calm down and I can get some much needed rest, overdoing things either mentally or physically definitely seem to make my symptoms worse and, much as I am mostly avoiding those situations its not always possible while managing a small business and its so very easy to slide back into the old ways of overdoing things - so the brain fog, lethargy and tiredness has returned big time and I'm fighting the panic and agorophobia agian, hopefully it will be short lived ......

[Depina]

First - How is everyone today?

Hi Zaf
Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better today and that these things are getting sorted. Hope you are managing to rest.

Lol know what you mean about the mine !

Take Care everyone

HUGS  *(*
D XX

[cornish]

Just about made it through the day, had to avoid part of my job for today that was in a live control panel, with 415 volts in it, didn't feel like I could trust my self . got my meds a few hours ago and it's a huge weight off and now I can crack on with some work.     

[Zaf]

Thanks D, still very very tired but less anxious, I think I have a bit of a crisis looming Monday but am trying hard not to keep thinking about the "what ifs" and get on with today, for the first time since I got ill again I managed to get in the veg garden to do some weeding,  now in need of a long soak in the bath and a snooze.

[Depina]

Sounds good-bath and snooze,well done re weeding! That is what I should have been doing all summer

Sometimes the worrying is worse than the actual event .Hope all goes well

XX

[Lol]

Cornish did you manage to get to your prescription without too much discomfort? How are you feeling today?

[cornish]

yeah i got them but im feeling no better but i did manage to email my solisitors explaining my situation, i havent been in touch with them for a long time now, gotta be about 6 months or something, not really too sure    hopefully they understand.

[Lol]

OH MY WORD! That's really really good. So proud of you for finding the strength to do that. Look at what you have been doing recently! Even if it doesn't feel like it you have been taking serious little bits of control! You must keep reminding yourself that you are doing it! I so pleased for you.  When you have mustered up the strength to do things like contacting your solicitors, and when you make yourself safe from potential to do harm, you are beating your demons. WITH A STICK! I have SO much admiration for you. Well done. Lol x

[cornish]

the self harm thing didn't really go so well as i just used a knife from my tool box at work   have some pretty nasty and very obvious cuts on my wrist that people are noticing and asking me about

ive just had a call on the house  phone about the cbt which in the email i asked for them to cancel,  im going to give the first session a try and see what happens, even thought all the specialists ive seen have said that it wont be effective and i need some other treatment thing, cant remember what its called and thats not very likely to help  


i know i can take steps forward but then i go right back again,  its the old 1 step forward, 2 steps back

[Zaf]

Thats a huge stop forward cornish, you probably havent noticed but since I joined in here you've made a lot of progress despite the occasional setback.  Y'know - its more like three steps forward and two back, sorry to hear about the self harm but I know you'll overcome things eventually, I really have seen an overall improvement :)



Today I am feeling full of mixed feelings as well as terribly tired.  Because I know I need to cut down on a lot of my committments sadly I have one of my horses for sale, today people came to see her and I think they are going to buy her if she passes the vet.  I know its best for her and for me but I'm going to miss her dreadfully if she goes, she looked a picture when she was ridden and didnt put a foot wrong when they drove her, its going to be horrible to say goodbye to her  

[cornish]

Thats a huge stop forward cornish, you probably havent noticed but since I joined in here you've made a lot of progress despite the occasional setback.



Today I am feeling full of mixed feelings as well as terribly tired.  Because I know I need to cut down on a lot of my committments sadly I have one of my horses for sale, today people came to see her and I think they are going to buy her if she passes the vet.  I know its best for her and for me but I'm going to miss her dreadfully if she goes, she looked a picture when she was ridden and didnt put a foot wrong when they drove her, its going to be horrible to say goodbye to her  

i do know i have made progress in some areas but the setbacks are outweighing the progress   im fairly sure of this as i keep notes of EVERYTHING, good and bad, no matter how small they are.

[Lol]

Cornish your depression will make you focus on the set backs. You are not actually going BACKWARD because you simply wouldn't be here. Sometimes all we can hope for is not to go backwards. I don't think you are. I'm sorry if you think you are that must be very frightening and frustrating beyond all comprehension.

Zaf the loss of a horse is awfully sad and will leave such a big hole. I'm so sorry. x

[Depina]

Sorry Zaf
XX

[cornish]

huge  &*(  zaf.

im not sure if u know about all the things im suffering with but i know i will focus on the set backs, i think my depression is starting to improve but the P.T.S.D. isnt but i also know ive made good progress with a few things, the progresses are what keeps me going, i look at my little notes and read the positive ones to give me strength.
the one that seems to help me most is "getting facebook back with some encouragement and after a few weeks using it to talk to 2 people"   makes me feel a tiny bit more normal, but i know im far from it 
my latest positive note was that i actually gave some good advice here, it shocked me that people thought it was useful.
that was a nice little boost,  ive always believed in karma and that helping others helps your self :)   sorta proves that to me.

also im forcing my self to come on here regularly, i dont post that often at the moment but i wont leave

i truly think i am at the worst ive been so far, the si seems to happen far more often and worse than ever, ive been worried a few times before but now im looking at everything as an object i can inflict pain on my self with. its like i see things and my mind goes ooo careful of that and then i get told by another part  "f**k being rational, go on do it" then i feel like that "voice" is right.   i think ive talked about the voices a few times before but i dunno to what extent, mostly i just blank them out, lately umm, ill go into that later.

i did think at first it was just me thinking it but when other people say there noticing a difference i get worried.

i know im pretty good at hideing how i really feel most of the time but one bloke at work how has suffered from depression seems to be able to see thought it and knows when im not doing to good, friday morning he had a quiet word with me, he knows that i havent really said much about my illness to my family and he doesnt know that half of what im suffering from but he said he could see from my face when im not doing to good and after a few minuits talking and then noticeing my si he was really worried.

the damage to my brain could keep getting worse so that scares the s**t out of me.  everytime i go to my gp we talk about the problems im haveing and he tries to push me to have a cat scan and an mri and while im there get an mri for the nerve damage causeing my numb fingers.  my fear of hospitals and the mri/ cat scan things scare me too much to even consider it at the moment.


having a combination of a few different illnesses and the brain damage, not confirmed, due to the lack of cat scan/ mri, there is no way to be sure although the specialist is almost certain of it, but on the plus side he did say he could be wrong :)

i do know i dont 100% belong here as depression is the least of my problems.  i do go to forums for ptsd and for the brain injury thing, but i just feel a lot more at home and welcome on here, i feel safe here.


grrr bloody P.T.S.D, just talking about stuff is triggering
im not really 100% sure as i have a lot of memory problems, so i think  i only really post about my self and the illness in long post but rarely,  im now in a state where im crying annoyed and angry with my self.

so now i do believe its diazepam time