How are you feeling today?

[Zaf]

We do understand lol and will be here to help when you feel you can post etc xxx

[Holykimura]

Im having a super day, and I am cherishing every moment of it. It won't be long before I have another down, but until then onwards and upwards!!. Hope everyone on these boards has had a great day and are begining to feel a little festive.

[doublep]

Spending the night house sitting.. think its my friends way of making sure I don't cut myself cause its not my house. Good plan.

[Zaf]

Brilliant attitude Glen :)

Sounds like their cunning plan might work Paul




Me, tired after another bad nights sleep, trying to motivate myself to go out in the dark and cold to feed the horses and see my mum who was in the most strange mood yesterday (she has depression since my dad died 2 years ago and wont get help), feeling I want to hibernate

[Lol]

Hello again. Today I am feeling a little better so thought I would sieze the opportunity whilst it's here. Don't know why I feel a bit better,  think being around friends and family helps. The loneliness is the worst. But even though I could be with a thousand people I would still feel alone without the love of my partner. Heard about the death of some one yesterday. Seeing and thinking about the grief that brings about the family and friends is awesome. You hear about people feeling that puts things into perspective but for me it kind of didn't, then I felt guilty about that. I was conscious that I should be able to recognise that I haven't suffered a tragic death and for me life can and should go on. But I DO feel I have suffered a tragic death. One with a persistant ghost. I don't want to  be one of those people that just can't let something go and bangs on about it for the rest of their lives, but I still can't let it go at the moment. I'm still in love with her and I can't stop it, I can see her being a totally insensitive, inappropriate, ignorant, selfish *£&% and although I get angry and have all the right emotions about that (which is at least a bit healthier) when the dust settles I'm still in love with her and I think I'd be kidding myself if I said I didn't still think that one day she will wake up! But at the same time I kind of also think I know she wont. When will this stop for me? I went through a stage of thinking look at all the horrible things she is doing and grasp those behaviours and believe that you are better off without some one who does that, and I was optomistic that that could be a way of getting over her, but I seem to seperate out that old her and this 'new' her and somehow believe that this badly behaved version of my sweetest girl is an intruder and the original one is in there somewhere and will prevail. Apparently it is unhealthy for me to see her, or indeed anyone, as 2 people. But, a recent revelation in my therapy is that lo and behold I see myself as 2 people!!!!!!! who knew. And so the soup of confusion thickens.

What an odd post. Sorry guys.
Lol xx

[Zaf]

Good to hear you feel slightly better lol :)

You are suffering grief and in a way you have suffered a tragic death but you have the complication of seeing her wheras with a physical death you would have memories but not the horrible constant reminders of the type you are.

It doesnt seem an odd post to me at all, have you thought of starting a journal?

Z xx

[Lol]

Thanks Zaf x Yes I have thought of starting a journal but I'm petrified of doing it. There is so much more troubling me that I have ever let on here (Cornish might kick my butt now!) but I can't bare the thought of writing it down. I am afraid of seeing it. That it would be frightening for me. That other people would look at it and think 'is that it?!' But I am disgusted with myself, the person I am fighting inside.

[Zaf]

I would suggest starting a private journal then lol, perhaps you will never read it, perhaps you will and it will help you on this difficult journey you are on but for me getting things down really helps a huge amount

Z xx

Dont forget we are all fighting our demons so if you do feel like posting some of what is troubling you we wont judge but help as best we can

[Lol]

Yeah and I know that!! That's the stupid thing! I absolutely know 100% I wouldn't be judged and it's safe to do. I just can't override it!!  I'm I nightmare.

I think I'm getting closer to doing it though. A recent revelation in therapy has just blown me away and answered so many questions of my life. I'm pleased with that and it has given me confidence to try. It's just taking the 1st step.

[Lol]

I'm going to log off for a while now but before I go I wondered what Cornish's thoughts about that butt kicking were?? Let something out mate. Doesn't have to be the worse thing you could say. I sense from what you have said that you want to. It's ok. We will be able to hear it. I promise.

If I decend into something dark and dastardly before I come back, thanks everyone. You've been amazing.  :)

[cornish]

not up to it at the moment

[Zaf]

&*(

[cornish]

&*(

:)

[woozywoo]

Had a good day yesterday,but now its changed. Been driving late in2 evenin,so it has given me some thinking time,which isn't always a good thing. Cos something that has been an issue 4a long time has come up again and i have mixed feeling about the situation! Will explain more in the mornin,2tired now!

[cornish]

Thanks Zaf x Yes I have thought of starting a journal but I'm petrified of doing it. There is so much more troubling me that I have ever let on here (Cornish might kick my butt now!) but I can't bare the thought of writing it down. I am afraid of seeing it. That it would be frightening for me. That other people would look at it and think 'is that it?!' But I am disgusted with myself, the person I am fighting inside.

 *(*