How are you feeling today?

[Munchroom]

Will be thinking of you lovely - if they offer help, I know its hard but please accept it. Its not 'failing' or 'giving in' its allowing yourself a chance to get better - let us know how you get on  &*(

Smirfy - it is not selfish at all, you recognise you need help and that is a good thing. I very strongly agree with Zaf in that you need to stop working or put off uni if you can?

xx

[cornish]

well my appointment has been prospered till 6.40

i really do intend to but when im there im just so low and anxious i just want to get up and run away crying.


i really do appreciate how much help you guys have done for me.

[Zaf]

Oh thats not good, but at least it hasnt been postponned to another day.

I know its difficult, you can only try your best, dont forget we're with you in spirit  &*(

[cornish]

it is a 2 minuet walk for me to get there and i was early, he saw me right away and ive literally just got in the door, meds have increased and he is arranging the appointments for me and had a bit of a chat but forgot most of what i wanted to say again. not even to sure what i did and didn't talk about now as im out of it on diazepam as thats my only way of dealing with going there.

[cornish]

bugger i forgot to say about the sectioning thing and being more suicidal and si more grrr im an idiot  "£". or just out of it like i said  !"!

[Zaf]

Well done getting there, have you got another appointment set up?  I write things down I need to say when I go to the docs cos I get so nervous I forget what I need to tell him.

[cornish]

nope from now on hes doing it for me as i find it stressfull and struggle to use the phone so he will do everything and just send me a letter saying when i have an appointment.  normally i go there every other week, sometimes every week 

[Zaf]

At least it sounds at your doc is trying his best to help you, when he gives you your appointment try making a list of what you need to say when you go.

Hopefully the increased meds will help too  &*(

[Depina]

Hi Zaf
Hope your weekend went well. I read the book you recommended and I have never thought of it from his viewpoint, that it is a physical illness. I have also realised that I am too hard on myself and try too hard to be liked. I noticed that in 1 day I said 'Sorry' 15 times.(can't be right surely?) I always feel that I am not good enough. I think I am more body/mind aware since reading the book and have been trying to rest and not do too much at one time. Sorry if I am waffling!
Have you heard from Hope or Catrin recently?
Take care, thanks for all you do on the forum. Hope the black cloud is lifting. I know that when I feel well I think - Oh No I could go down again anytime/ in 5 mins, in 1 day/ a week/who knows? ! I am on here 'cause I am so sick of this condition now after 20 + years. Hugs D XX

[Zaf]

Hi Depina :)

Yes thanks, very tiring but positive.

I'm glad you found the book helpful, David (OH) seems to understand my depression better too since reading it, I have also recently found one called The Art ofExtreme Self Care very useful, but its probably better to read when you're on the way to recovery.

I could have written the words "I have realised that I am too hard on myself and try too hard to be liked" which is why I end up running myself ragged doing things for other people and getting dumped on.

Its horrible waiting for the black cloud to descend again as it can be so sudden and so devastating after feeling well for a few days, weeks or months.  My first breakdown was in the early 90s and I'm sick of this damned illness too, I'm lucky I've got a brilliant counsellor this time who is helping enormously, its just remembering to put all her good advice and observations into practice when I'm well again!

I havent heard from either, hope they're OK, sometimes people come in and read but dont post if they're not feeling too good.  I found this pace a lifeline when I had my most recent breakdown so its lovely to be able to help out now I'm feeling a bit better :)

xxx

[cornish]

it could just be me being paranoid but i keep thinking hes part of those people who are against me,  your probably right though, he is trying to help

[hope123]

Cornish, I know exactly how you feel!

So far, I feel forgotten, I must admit I do get texts from my mums friend who enjoys chatting to me, but thats about all. I feel quite low as when you feel you are doing alright on your own, its sometimes nice to have people who want to see you or be around you, I don't have that right now.

[smirfy21]

I had my appointment this morning with my psychiatrist. It started off a bit wobbly and emotional as she walked in on me just pacing round the waiting room and then in a burst of emotion I pretty much just blurted out that I couldn't live my life anymore that everything was going from bad to worse and I just wanted to die and as you can imagine she wasn't expecting that.

after she finaly got me to calm it a bit and go to her little office (which by the way I hate because its just four white walls with no windows or artwork) we got chatting about why I have been feeling the way I am, the fact that I cannot control my bulimia anymore and all the other issues that seem to have just piled up on top of me.

she has signed me off work and wants me to put off uni for a while, she also wants me to tell my family what is really going on and consider a six week stay in the hospital so she can over see medication and treatment as she doesn't think I am able to do it alone especialy now that she knows about my bulimia. I couldn't exactly hide that from her.

I feel like I just blurted out my life and made a complete ass out of myself today but I am glad I did it as I feel like eventhough I am depressed and suicidal now there are options instead of death and I can begin to pick up the pieces of my shattered life however I didn't tell her I was alone this week as was already pushing for me to admit myself to hospital and she probably wouldn't have let me come home in the state I was in.

wow I never thought my life would turn out like this and I never thought I would end up on a psych ward. is this really my life?

[Depina]

Thanks for your reply Zaf, stay well and Sleep well XX

[cornish]

hope123      i cant really deal with much contact and ive shut my self off from everyone, ive had 2 texts in the last few weeks both from someone who used to be a good friend one was to ask how i was doing, he didnt like the responce so hes trying to get me sectioned now.
ive only been out socially 4 times this year, all in the first 5 months, now nothing.
just remember you have use were here for you and we care &*(

smirfy      i wish i was able to actually tell them everything, i just cant seem to do it, my problems are far worse that ive ever let on to them, i hold back too much.
they keep trying to sign me off too but i wont let them, i know its the right thing to do but i dont cope well with nothing to do.

i was alone for a week and i did not cope well, have you got anyone you trust that can keep an eye on you or even stay with you ?  my si got bad when i knew no one would know.

i never thought this would happen to me either, people are trying to get me sectioned and im scared.