Hi all im jules, im 41 and am currently going through my second bout of major depression, the first was in the early 90's were I was underwent ECT and was a voluntary inpatient in hospital for a few month. This first bout consisted of severe clinical depression with agoraphobia and took several years of treatment to get over. The second and current bout started in 2006 following the suicide of my closest friend since childhood and the admission by my former wife that she had found someone better. Since I have undergone help from mental health services and have recently tried ECT again, but stopped after the 4th treatment as suicidal thoughts and anixiety intensified. Since my current bout of depression I have lost all the friends I thought I had, mainly because I seem to struggle with upkeeping planned activities, not many people understand that its hard to plan things, because you can only take each day as it comes. I have no family to speak of having after an abusive and unwanted childhood, i struggled academically as a child, having dyslexia, (not knowing till in early 20's) and was i remedial classes all the way through school and therefore did not attend very often, my teachers and parents were neither interested or cared, as no one really wanted me around. I left school without the ability to read or write very well and went straight in the army as a junior leader, where i was bullied by the training corporals for teh 6 month duration, from one abusive environment to the next, my parents would not allow me to leave as they refused to put me up, i finally convinced my true father to agree to sign me out after a failed suicide attempt. I left got a job, lost the job and became homeless was taken in by a guy with motives that were unsavourary. My true father eventually came and took me in to his home with his family, and found me a job where he worked, it soon became clear i was not wanted and i took up living with my former wife as i was deperate to get away, she became pregnant and we married against my friend advice, she was not a nice person and was very materialistic and craved attention from other men. after attending classes to improver my ability to read and write i enrolled on a college course andcompleted a HND completing it with highest grades in class, i continued the education with a degree, then worked in the industry to gain my chartered status, opened my own practice and gave my wife everything she needed, she refused to work and we became in debt whilst we renovated the house, in total i loaned 60,000 all in my name, then when the house was finished she joined the police force and had an affair and told me she no longer wanted me. fortunately i have always been an outdoors guy and instructed kayaking, climbing, mounatineering, bushcraft and tok people white water rafting at weekends and in spare time so i had a wide friend base to support me. shortly after my friend commited suicide, i then sipped into my current depression and have lost everything, chartered status, house, children, car ability to enjoy life ability to do any of outdoor activities used to teach and do, im massively in debt and am officially homeless. I think of my depression like trying to climb out of a dark concrete round chimney, some days i can see a light at the top but it really hard to try and climb out and mainly just scratch the sides in a vain attempt to try and climb out. I still texercise most days and try and eat the right foods, take meds and have recently started seeing a private phycologist and hope that the depression will subside soon, well that me and thats my depression
