Being myself

[dorsetpaul]

One of the causes of my depression is the supression of an aspect of myself for most of my life.  I'll get straight to the point and that is that I am a naturist, something which I have been aware of since I was a youngster (I didn't know that such people existing until I was about 14).  I wasn't bought up in a naturist environment nor a particularly liberal one.  I have discussed this at length with my counsellor and explored why I am the way I am but at the age of 51 things have come to a head and know that I cannot change but that life would have been easier without this totment which has eventually got the better of me. My wife has known about my desire for 30 years and early on I did try to coherse her into joining a club and going to beaches but this didn't work and I realise that I should have been more open and understanding at the outset.
The 'problem' was swept under the carpet for years which was a great cause of frustration and torment and I have thrown my self into projects which I knew where only a diversion - a form of avoidance. The issue has also affected my career in that I have changed jobs, thinking that this would help in some way or open up new opportunites. This has created instability which hasn't helped at all. Throughout all this i think that I have managed to maintain a semlance of normality and brought up two boys.  Counselling has helped me learn how to confront the issue and to explain to my wife that for me naturism is an essential aspect of my character and something to be enjoyed. She has been understanding and tolerates me being naked in the garden (which is private) but my sons (nor anyone else except my cousellor)  knows.  About 12 years ago I had a friend who after a very traumatic time revealed  he was gay at age 50 and I tried  to help him at that time and explain that this was no big deal and that his sexuality would have no effect whatoever on his group of friends. Unfortunately the outcome was not good and at the time I saw a parallel with myself.  Sorry this is a bit of a ramble but I wondered whether anyone out there has experience of this or similar issues causing depression and how 'coming out' might have helped to aleviate some of the pressure and if so how you went about it.

[Munchroom]

Hi Paul and welcome...

I haven't really shared your experiences but I'm sure that the majority of people reading your post will feel that 'being yourself' although it is nothing to be ashamed of (obviously unless you are hurting someone...) is something that can be very hard to do with ease and confidence.

I personally tend to live in my own little bubble where I tend to believe that people should just be allowed to enjoy the short time we have on this earth - if that means that they are gay or straight, black or white, have interests and desires like yourself that harm no-one and yet make you happy... then so be it! We are all merely human beings and under our clothes we are all the same...

Don't be ashamed to be yourself, I know its a lot easier said than done, but we should embrace our differences, not be embarrassed by them.

Nay x

[dorsetpaul]

Nay,

Thanks for your kind and understanding words. I know that you are correct in what you say and I certainly adopt that attitude to others.  However, I find it hard to apply the same rules to myself.  One of my issues at the moment is accepting myself as I am, never mind expecting others to do likewise.  Part of this struggle is the fact that I live within a non naturist family and my next step is to tell my two teenage sons.  I am tired off feeling that I have a secret and am decieving them.  In truth because the issue is in the closet I undress no more than the average person.  My anxiety about this seems to be heightened over the past few days, partly I know because of the sunny, warm weather but also perhaps because I recently stopped taking Citalopram.  This drug was giving a tingly feeling in my limbs and I have been weaned off (from 20 to 10mg and non for the last week) in preparation for an alternative. I have thought that I could manage without, but since stopping I have felt very light headed and dizzy and I am having trouble sleeping.  I hardly slept at all last night and have started ruminating again.  I am now thinking of ringing the doctor first thing in order to go back onto medication straight away because the feelings of anxiety are very unpleasant.  Although I was awake and feeling anxious, in a strange way my mind is blank but the overriding thoughts are obsessional, as I crave for a lifestyle which seems beyond my reach.