Hi, I found this forum through searching, I just want to talk about something that I've never really been fully open about with anyone.
I'm 23 and I'm now starting to worry for myself after years of being depressed. I'll explain briefly.
About two to three years ago, my then girlfriend seen a sadness in me that she was worried about, and reccommended I go to the doctors, as I could be depressed, and how years before that she was once medically depressed too. The doctor clarified that I was indeed depressed, and gave me the little pills to take every night. I just nodded in order to move things along and get out of that office. So that was that, I was now on anti-depressants. Great.
Months later, people close to me started to say I looked so much better, I was a better person to know and there was a noticable change of emotion in my face, from vacancy to fullfillness. Although, I didn't feel it. I guess I was just less angry and more tolerable of my place in life.
I have marks on my arm, that are never going to fade (by the way, any advice on how to cover them up would be great!) and it's ruined my confidence a little bit, like I can't roll my shirt sleeves up at work as folk will question it. But, that's not what brought me here, that's kinda minimal in the big picture of it all.
So my then girlfriend from two to three years ago broke up with me last year at some point. I was fine with it at the time, but through the past year it's got gradually worse. I've came to realise I miss the company more than I miss her. As great as she was, she did do some bad things. But it was all my fault, so it's rather contradicting of me to think of her as a bad person, when I basically started it. See, I have this habit - which I'm curious if anyone else does it through their illness, or if I'm just a really bad person - when I manage to go out with a girl, whether weeks or years, if I'm not interested in them any longer, instead of just being honest and saying so, I expose their flaws to them in a poisonuss way, which seems subtle at first, then I casually bring it up whenever something relatable to it is mentioned, which makes them doubt themself and feel bad and question whether they're good enough for me. It's horrible, and it always ends on a bad note, as girls aren't that stupid and will tell me to go and f*** myself. Maybe I just love the drama or seeing a girl appologise for what is her life, because I'm morally better than her or some dickish thing. I'm not violent towards women, but a girl once told I was doing some sort of mental bullying, and I'm terrified of never faling out of that habit. But it's just with girls I've went off, there's been a few I've genuinelly really cared for and would never dream of saying a bad thing. I just had to get that off my chest.
I have just as bad a relationship with my family, who I still live with. But they are the very people I get my dickishness from, as they'll gladly tell me during arguments "Well, I wish you did kill yourself that time you tried" or how dissapointed in me they were. When I was much younger, maybe 4-6 years old, I always took bad temper tantrums, kicking furniture and stuff for reasons I can't recall. I believe it was possibly a part of my illness? Regardless, my mother's solution to that was questioning my sexuality, a bloody 5 year old and I was literally being called gay. This went on up until the teens, if I did something through my temper, I was a gay. I got into trouble alot for things that werent my fault half the time, other kids putting blame on me or saying bad words I heard on tv, yet I was always slapped by my parents and branded gay for the embarassment I caused them if a teacher had to notify them of my terrible attitude of saying something I overheard on a show my old man was watching. Ever seen that film Punch Drunk Love, with the Sandman? And how he'd always flip out when his sisters called him gay? That' me.
Maybe that's why I grew up to not respect them. We'd argue like mad, all over things I started though, through my mood. I think I may be bi polar, but I don't know. I just have this compulsion to say mean nasty things that's on my mind. But I'll also tell them nice things when I feel it. My mum's grew disabled and my dad an old man, yet I'm still bad to them during the spells where I come off my medication. They call me a dissapointment and say "Away and kill yourself", so I guess although I may have started it, I can't feel too bad about the drama I cause them if that's their answer to everything. I just feel really immature and want to change things before I end up older and alone. I feel ungreatful, and although my folks have worked hard all there life and now have two fully grown kids, part of me really has a disrespect for them mostly due to the way they've handled me. I'd sit in my room most of my teenage years. I was miserable basically, depressed. But it took a girfriend to see that, and not them.
My sister's boyfriend is a piece of scum, I wont go into why, but trust me. But I keep trying to make my sister feel bad about it, and I don't know why. Say opinions once is fine, but to keep bringing it up when possible? That makes me scum, and now she hates me and says she has no brother. I really want her to be doing better and I guess I'm wording it wrong.
I have my hobbies, I'm not a dumb person and I'm not too unattractive. I work and potentially have a career, sure it's not what I want to do with life, but it's better than being unemployed. What I want to do with my life requires a few grand, which I'll never be able to save with the cost of living, even though I live with the parents. They've had enough and am kicking me out. I think of suicide every hour and how easy it'd be, but the one thing that's stopping me is not only getting to see everyone who doubts me's faces, but no one would turn up to that person's funeral. I find it easier to talk to strangers online, and the only real friend I have is a great guy, who I'm cool with and no drama. But, I want more friends and people to socialize with and just be happy and what's branded as normal. I want to fall in love and not care about tomorow. Apparently it's a chemical unbalance I have, I've never been happy or greatful, but how can I with parents who are so two faced and vicious with words? Maybe I'm just a dick deep down, or maybe it's the illness? Anyone else like this?
There's so much more I want to talk about, but am I wasting my time by typing this? Thanks if you read it.
