Hello

[MarsAttacks]

Hello all. I am another new person. Just thought I would give a little background about myself.
I'll start by saying that I have not been formally diagnosed as suffering from depression but I know that I am. Like a lot of you I have searched the internet and put in any possible google search to try and find out more about my condition. All signs point to suffering from a moderate depressive episode. Why haven't I been to the doctors? The truth is I just haven't got the time. I work full time and my GP only opens office hours - no weekend or evening appointments. If i was able to go into the GP I would probably be prescribed tablets which I am sure may help, but I just can't afford the prescription costs. Every penny I earn is already tied up in just keeping a roof over my head and food on the table. I really can't afford another expense. Hence why I am here. I figured that at least if I could talk to others who were going through the same as me then I may have some chance of fighting this thing.
I first became depressed when I was around 12. It's sad to think but that was the first time that I tried to take my own life. I had it all planed out right down to what I was going to wear. It's kinda funny how I didn't go through with it - but thats a different story.
Anyway 20 years later and I am back in yet another cycle of depression. I have looked back over my life and can pinpoint what got me here - growing up in an alcoholic and violent household, sexual abuse, isolation - you name it I have been there, done that and bought the T-shirt. I thought I beat it around 7 years ago when I came face to face with the abuser and forced him to look me in the eye. When he couldn't I knew that he felt the guilt which he had denied all the time. I felt that I had beaten him. However, as the years have passed I have come up against other difficulties - at the moment it is the uncertainty in my relationship coupled with money and job worries. I am just about functioning on a day to day basis - work colleagues have not yet asked me what is wrong with me as I am really good at putting on a brave face when I have to. The type of work that I do also deals with the nasties of life and I have to sit there and listen to other peoples worries when I have my own blackness to deal with. When I go home I am being ignored as the other half has taken some issue with me but he wont tell me what it is. I left this morning having finally plucked up the courage to leave him a note telling him that I was worried about the relationship and wanted him to speak to me - I am not very good with confrontation - I am one of those people that would rather not hear the bad news so that I can try to pretent everything is OK.
I know that the advice out there says that when you feel like I do you should speak to someone about it, the truth is I have no one to speak to. I don't have any friends - I wouldn't class people at work my friends and I certainly don't want to run the risk of becoming the latest bit of office gossip to go around. I can't talk to my mum as I have issues with her which stem back to my childhood and how things were between us. I can't talk to my partner as he is not speaking to me at the moment. So I do what I shouldn't which is keep it all bottled up. Which brings me back to why I am here. At least if I can offload in a safe environment where I wont be judged then I may have a chance to see some light at the end of what is a very long and very dark tunnel.
Anyway, thanks for reading.

[Munchroom]

Hi - and welcome to the the forum  :)

I think one thing that most of us have in common is the definite ability to 'put on a front' - to those that have been there, it can be very obvious when someone is doing this, but for others - and people that don't know you all that well, they just think you are functioning 'normally' and don't see every detail of your day as a massive hurdle to climb.

It is a truly awful situation to be in without not having someone to talk to. I was quite fortunate that I did have support around me when I completley broke down but on the other hand, I had got so used to bottiling everything up and keeping things in and behind a front that when it came to, I couldn't actually tell people what was wrong! I literally could not speak and get what was in my head out of my mouth, which is incredibaly isolating and frustrating - so I am pleased that you have been able to at least type on here some of the things that are in your head. Every outlet is a good one!!

I would really encourage you to go and see the doctor. I know myself how difficult it can be to get an appointment when you work full time, but once you alert someone else that you are not ok then even that takes a little bit of pressure off. You may also be able to get help with pescription charges and/or look into pre-paid prescriptions. You pay a one off fee for a certian amount of time (I think its 3 month for around £24 - I can't be 100% positive though) but then that covers ALL of your prescriptions, which does come in very very handy when you are starting out on anti-depressants and finding out what works for you. (IF you need them... your doctor might suggest something else)

I wish you all the very best and hope to hear more from you :)

Nay x

[heatherm2211]

Hi  &^%

I agree with Munchroom/Nay, I think you should go to the doctor. Maybe you could book a morning off work to go, or just a couple of hours. He/She can see how mild or severe your depression is and then according to that suggest if you should go on anti-depressants or not, and suggest other things that could help. Luckily, I've overcome the worst of my depression, but I found that a combination of going to a counsellor, having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and taking a low dose of anti-depressants is the best thing you can do to try and fight depression.

The counselling can give you someone to talk to (and you have people to talk to on this website!) and somebody to advise you, the cognitive behavioural therapy (which is mostly free I think - especially computerised cognitive behavioural therapy) can sort out negative thoughts that I think most people with depression suffer from and obviously the anti depressants help the chemical inbalance in your brain that causes depression  :) I would definately look into trying to find a counsellor who you can see for free and at a time convienient for you (The doctor can refer you, mine did) and definately look at CCBT, or maybe help groups - then you could talk to more people who are going through what you are going through.

And with your partner, maybe he has noticed you feeling depressed and isn't sure how to approach you about it, its not the best way to stop talking to you, but I think he might just be worried about you. Sorry for waffling on lol  but if you feel you need to talk someone, just message me  :)
Hope you're okay xx

[MarsAttacks]

Thanks for the messages, it's nice to know that someone understands. Things have been a little better this weekend. I seem to go through moments of sever lows then something inconsequential happens and I'm feeling better again. I know it is only short lived and I need more help. I am my own worse enemy when it comes to getting help. I am really good at heloing others but when it comes to myself I pretend that everything is ok. It doesn't help much at work when one of my colleagues was signed off for 2 months with depression. Everyone's response is that she is pulling a fast one. I know she isn't as I was there when she was in floods of tears in my office so I know what she is going through. People are way too quick to jump to conclusions and as depression is one of those illnesses that you can't see people automatically think you are faking it. I am currently looking for support groups etc in my area that may help. I am also beginning to try and keep a diary of how things are, I am trying to keep it on the good days as well as the bad. Previously I have only done the bad days which makes for really dismal reading. I am trying to see if I can pinpoint what my triggers are so I can begin to teach myself better coping strategies. If anyone has any tips please let me know.

Once again thanks for reading/commenting.

[lightenup]

Hi and welcome to the forum, it is good to keep a daily diary of your moods.  But please be careful, as Munchroom says putting up that front is ok but doing it for too long and not get help you sort of implode on yourself, if you know what I mean.  People who have never had depression, can't see an illness as such when we have the big mask on.  Also it is difficult for some people to comprehend that strong people have a problem as such!!  Take care, and ask for that help before it gets too bad. 

[heatherm2211]

That sounds great, (the diary and and looking for groups etc) thats actually what CBT/CCBT involves really, so I would definately keep that up, you'll find it really does help in the long run :) x