just so scared of depression

[AliMcBeer]

heya Smirfy,

glad to see your accepting all the help offered, they will diagnose you eventually its just it can take time between referrals and appointments etc and just seems to drag out for ages!!

i found my counselling ok, it helped me see why i am like this but so far hasnt really helped in progressing towards feeling any better. But im hopeful it will, if i think otherwise id probably just stay under my duvet the rest of my life! i have more counselling and group therapy coming up so im going to see how that goes.

That is such a great idea with your photography, let me know how that goes and maybe youll let me see some of your work. I think photography is such an expressive art, you can read so much from a picture, its amazing. Really pleased for you there m8:)

Keep going and keep positive if you can, i know its hard sometimes but dont give up!!

Ali   &^%

[smirfy21]

Thanks Ali
I received a letter threw the post this morning from the mental health lady that spoke to me last week explaining that she has arranged for me to see a psychiatrist and that she believed I had a MOOD DISORDER and filled a whole envelope full of leaflets and information on bipolar disorder which I thought was strange especialy as she did not state that she thought I had bipolar disorder. I am very confused by this!!

I know that this is going to take time and that they cant just click their fingers and make everything alright but I have to wate until the 27th of june for my appointment by which point I could have gone through several episodes and I dont know if they just expect me keep on struggling un medicated until then. they have not asked me to come in or offered any support for me whilst I wate and this to seems strange.

I am so very confused and worried about what could happen in between now and then but I am trying to stay possitive and help myself through my art work a sourt of art therapy if you like but this letter has thrown me and I dont know how to react to it or how im suppost to react to it.
 

[AliMcBeer]

hey smirfy,

dont panic about it,  there are apparently two groups of mood disorder that are widely recognised, one being clinical depression and the other being bi polar, so i would imagine thats why they have sent you those leaflets as there are similarities, and until you see your psychiatrist i guess the leaflets are just for you to have a look and see where abouts you ''fit in'' before you get to the appointment and get a firm diagnosis. They leaflets might just help you make a bit of sense as to what your feeling.

it is difficult not having any support in between appointments, unfortunately thats the state of the nhs for you. try to stay positive, i know its hard, your doing great keeping occupied with your art, keep it up and try not to worry too much.

Ali :)

[smirfy21]

 "£$ being stuck behind a wall of depression is not fun and I guess I would have thought that the NHS would have actions in place to provide support for people like me in between appointments.
I guess that patience is something that I need to learn and get used to and stop being so desperate for things to change. I am just so desperate to be able to live a normal life.
 !"! thats all I have to say for tonight because I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall a bit but all the support that everyone has given me on this forum has been brilliant and incredibly helpful.
smirfy !"!

[Cinderella]

Sorry did not reply earlier. I am actually not totally sure whether I am using this site correctly (notifications etc.).

I think you are great!!! anyone who is creative, will be more sensitive!

I agree, it doesn't really matter what you are diagnosed with, because all of emotional and mental problems are interlinked. Of course if you are on medication, that is a different story.

[smirfy21]

Well it has been quite some time since posting on hear and I feel like lots has happened in the past couple of months including a fairly recent diagnosis of Bipolar 2 disorder and now that I know whats making me the way I am I can finaly take all the necessary actions to treat it.
Its strange I thought I would feel something towards being diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I dont feel anything not even angry I just feel numb and I keep expecting to wake up one day and for it to suddenly hit me but other than the usual symptoms of my condition there has been nothing and I don't know if this is normal. I guess its probably because I knew for a long time that I was bipolar so I have already excepted it and the diagnosis was just putting something on a piece of paper nothing has really changed.

I have spent the past week researching my condition and finding out the facts and what kind of help is available but I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not because I keep expecting to go into complete melt down mode or freak out and end up doing something completely stupid and out of character. I guess that this is all something I can disguss with my new psychiatrist though. she has given me a week to get my head round everything and figure out where I want to go from hear as I wasn't too keen on rushing into things.

I genuinely dont know how to react or act now its like this odd sense of faulse reality almost like im dreaming and I dont know what to do with myself.
any advice would be appreciated and I would also like to hear other peoples bipolar stories if you dont mind sharing them.
smirfy 

[Cinderella]

 :)

Dear Smirfy,

Feels strange to call you Smirfy, when I am Cinderella. I suppose we all are here to learn to deal with our emotions, some on a deeper level and others more on the surface. For me it it clear that depression comes from years of suppressing feelings.

It sounds as if getting the diagnosis hasn't really made such an impact on you. I really hope that the medication and seeing the psychiatrist will get you to understand yourself and your feelings a bit more.

I am not quite sure how old you are and it seems so impersonal to write here, but I am in my early 40s and one of the things that I think are responsible for my depression is that I feel I don't have much left to work towards.
I am not sure what it is in your case, but I guess it is about changing your circumstances.

 

M.

[Cinderella]

don't know why the clock in this system is sooooooooooo wrong???
It is not 2 am in the morning, when I am writing this. It is actually 10.22 in the morning and I am at work!!!

lol
M.

[smirfy21]

Smirfy just felt fitting as smirfs are blue and thats how I fealt when setting up my account.
I am 23 and have been told that I am a rapid cycler and that I am prone to much more frequent mood swings so I find it hard to pinpoint the areas in my life that set off a low or high episode as I can turn very quickly for no apparent reason. However things like the weather can set me off or things around me that are irritating me like a sound or something visual.
I have changed my circumstances twice and both times doubled how badly I was suffering. I have realised that running or starting again doesn't get me anywhere unfortunately as I am one of those people that doesn't like to stay in one place for more than two years it makes not feeling the need to change my circumstances very very tricky.
I have absolutaly no idea at present what sets me off or even really how this bipolar disorder effects me I just know it is making my life a living hell and I want out, I want something to make tick, I want something that interests me but at the moment I have no interest in anything, no happiness just a deep dark pit of depression that just seems to be getting deeper and the manic episodes seem a lot more appealing.

[Cinderella]

Ah, funny because to me the Smirfy chracters are really funny and cheerful....very sweet. But of course I can see the blue/blues association.

To me it all boils down to care and love and how much these are responsible for good emotional and mental health. Once you have experienced deep depression, it is - like your title says - a struggle because of the 'fear' of depression. The fear of being alone and unloved becomes the fear of depression.

Do you mean 'rapid cycler' as in that you like cycling? Excersise is good!

Changing your circumstances/surroundings at your age is a normal thing. There is a lot of change in your early 20s and then it sort of slows down by 28. That is when I had my first sort of depressive episode, because I thought, well, I am not achieving enough.

why does the suffering double? because you tell yourself you made bad choices? Don't! you only have yourself and your life and your choices!

I do hope you can lift yourself out. It is important to know THAT YOU ARE LOVED and that you have to keep reminding yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smirfy21]

its rapic cycling bipolar disorder and people with it spend most theire time depressed than manic or hypomanic and are often misdiagnosed with clinical depression which I was for years. I am also told that because I am a rapid cycler I wont always be able to recognise a hypomanic state in myself and that I am more likely to end up in hospital or try and commit suicide.
I still dont know a lot about my condition which is why I am having to do a lot of reading around it and talking to people that also suffer from Bipolar 2.
I feel like I have a long way to go and im still hovering at the start line at the moment but my life is about to change dramatically again in three months as I am about to move and go back to university so I need to get my bipolar under control before I do.
thank you for all your comments its really nice talking to everyone on hear and I feel like I have your support.
smirfy

[Cinderella]

thanks , I hadn't heard of this term 'rapic cycling' before.

I think you have a lot to look forward to, going back to University.


 :)

[smirfy21]

I have, well I really hope so!!
the first time I tried to go back to univeristy I struggled like hell but I guess I was trying to do it alone and unmedicated.

I have just been sent a letter through the post telling me that I will have to wait three weeks for another appointment with my psychiatrist which I am very angry about as she told me she was giving me a week to figure everything out and then she would bring me back in to talk about medication and treatment, she never said anything about a three week wait especially as its already been a week and a half. What is she thinking, if I have to wait three moor weeks I am only likely to get worse and sink into a much deeper depression!! I really don't know what the hell is going through her head is she stupid or what.
I am going to demand an appointment next week I cannot believe she thinks leaving me to go at it alone for another three weeks is a good idea.
sorry ranting a bit now but I am sooooo angry and amazed at this.

[lightenup]

Typical NHS  don't understand the mentality excuse the pun.  Sometimes it is difficult to comprehend.  Take care.

[smirfy21]

this week I have been having this same re-occuring dream basically it starts off with me and my dad having a huge argument and me throwing a nife at his face and me telling him that I am leaving which I do, I then end up with no money and nowhere to sleep so I go and sit in a pub and after a few days this women and three men appear and the women comes up behind me puts her hands on my shoulders and says 'I think we need to talk' I then tell her 'I dont want to talk and I have nothing to say' she then says 'It's not a request and not to struggle it will only make things worse' then the three men restrain me and drug me out of the pub and I wake up in a psych ward restrained to a bed. The same woman walks up to the bed and tells me 'not to struggle, its for my own good and that I need medical help' the dream then ends and I wake up screaming.
this dream is really hard to get out of and feels so real, how do I stop this re-occuring dream and why am I dreaming about this, what does it mean?